To the chronically misunderstood sensitive ambivert; I totally get you.

Hello, highly sensitive ambiverts!

Being such a complex and contradictory, often socially misunderstood personality type has been such a journey for understanding (for me, personally). All of my life I’ve felt both that I was older than my peers (and sometimes even wiser than a lot of people who were older than me, like I magically had built in wisdom somehow available to be intuively) and yet I have such a youthful energy. It also creates confusion too, that my genes also make me appear younger than my human years. But anywho, I felt like sharing an analysis of my own collection of experiences would yield some useful knowledge for whomever might be needing to hear it [because I sure as hell would have found it validating and confirming to have someone who gets it when you feel like a unicorn in a field or rather, sea of horses].

I remember being one of the quietest kids in any social environment I was in - yet I could get along with virtually anyone. (The quiet part too, was from feeling anxious around people, which later I’d discover was really a subconscious mixing of my own feelings of anxiousness with those around me). It became a pet peeve over time to be called shy or quiet, because it felt like the easiest cop out for anyone who wasn’t willing to put in the effort to truly try to get to know me. (I’d also learn later that it was a built up defense mechanism that was practiced by my parents who held great distrust for most people and made the concept of boundaries all the more confusing for me). It’s not that I didn’t talk at all, it’s that I was too busy deeply observing people on a [basically] scientific level, and that frankly, most of what was being spoken about was simply uninteresting. I was more interested in learning a random fact about the universe than talking about any upcoming social activity. Of course, just like any other human being, I had a desire for belonging but most of the time it was met with feelings of misunderstanding and a craving for a deep connection that was most often elusive.

Growing up, I adored time spent to myself and my music and creating art. Mostly too, to have my own space to focus on my own interests and to de-stress from an often chaotic and dysfunctioning family. I would learn later how often my intuitiveness and empathy would often be means for a tug of war between two very opinionated, very passionate parents. It just added another layer of complexity in my already complex world for me to attempt to unravel.

My loving towards having alone time naturally had me pegging myself to the understanding of myself as an introvert. But, as I learned my own social skills when I began to grow into myself more into adulthood, I learned a new kind of satisfaction to socialization that was absent when I was younger. But, it’s weird. Because I found myself energized and depleted in both scenarios. I had limits when it came to being alone and when it came to being around others. I find that because it’s easier for the world to understand people based on polarities (introversion vs. extroversion), that it’s harder for them to comprehend or digest the idea of ambiversion (Or, that it’s easier to dismiss it because most people don’t want to believe in it). Because of my depth of being able to feel on both sides of the spectrum, I understand the deepest introvert and the most social extrovert. I’ve learned to navigate both worlds as well. Sometimes I thrived off of attention, other times I was so self conscious I wanted to hide. It’s only now, after having gone through numerous relationships and not living with the restrictions (and navigating through the incessant drama) of being at my parents home, that a more comprehensive understanding of this kind of personality arrives. It seems both long awaited yet on time. Or perhaps it’s that I’ve gotten to a point in my life that is a culmination of healing and growth and self reflection, that I’m finally able to begin to celebrate this. Sometimes too, I think it’s my degree of sensitivity that can be something that makes these realizations slower. Though sometimes I think it’s that it’s my underestimation of my own abilities and that I’m actually faster than the rest of my fellow horses and that because I’m so used to being in my own little unicorn world, that it has clouded my self perception! Psh! Yeah, that sounds right and feels right when I read it. (Even though that was a mouthful of a run on sentence haha).

So, to my fellow [sensitive and maybe not as sensitive] ambiverts: I understand you. You have such a unique way of perceiving the world that isn’t as common as what others see or do. You may not ever truly be understood but you’ve been given a very unique insight into the world, having a lens that few others have. And while that may be frustrating at first to accept when you can feel so much and sometimes don’t even know how to process it all at once, understand that you’re not “slow” or stupid. Most people are so caught up in rushing around in this hyperfast living culture where there’s not enough time to get everything done and everyone is overloaded with responsibilities that they are ready to off load onto you if you’re open to it. For you, it’s about thoughtfulness and quality. For me personally, I’ve learned that most people are busy trying to impress each other rather than living according to their own needs and values (which is also a founding concept behind my own idea of success). In many cases it takes them years before they realize this and begin to make big changes in their lives for their own happiness. (Though by this time it’s much harder and costly as a caveat, which can lead to even more depression than what they may have been experiencing before, and I wouldn’t be surprised too if this was one of the leading reasons behind Americans dependence on emotion reducing drugs ie, alcohol, recreational drugs, and pharmaceuticals. #oops I’m starting to rant there.) Often, this shows up in people’s lives as divorce or dropping out of school or changing job industries or moving away from their usual social circle to find their own way. It takes a great deal of courage to go against expectations set upon us out of protection. It’s especially difficult for those who enjoy being connected to others.

So there you have it. A brief glimpse into the mind of a fellow ambivert. :) Hopefully that offered some understanding and insight and perhaps it may be the beginning to a long awaited self understanding journey of your own. Those are always satisfying in the end ;)