This Year I Want to Die

In my twenties I used to start the new year with strict resolutions, I followed them for a month, then usually forgot about them by the time the sun began shining again.

In my thirties I decided to give up with new years stuff and start my resolutions on the spot. A "now or never" attitude. I did them all: gym, yoga, new courses of all sorts and subjects, specific diets ranging from vegetarian to full vegan to fruttarian and yes, even breatharian!

A million tries to realize I am a whole being and as such, limiting what nature intended for me was limiting my potential (Oh, so wise my girl!). I entered the stage of "there is a right moment and a right way for everything."

When I hit 40 I decided life was about balance and all my resolutions in life had to be weighted by the scale of righteousness. Oh, man what a work that was! Especially as a multi-cultural, always-moving person, finding what was "right" for the place I lived in or the people living there... too much work!

There is no way we can make everyone like us or happy around us.

Close to 50 I started thinking... With all I did, my spiritual immersions, my becoming a Mindfulness teacher, my years of listening to people's problems, challenges and mental illnesses as a psychologist... where do I want to be for the rest of my life? What mental, spiritual and physical place do I want to fill with my existence?

The answer? None.

Bear with me.

I have lived in too many culture to not respect the fact that cultures, as they are, emerge from human history and their beliefs. They change as time does. The sought-after beautiful skinny almost dead looking white beauty of the west is not even close to some ideas of fully fed, round and black beauty of some middle eastern-southern worlds.

So why fuss with appearance? Or why fuss with "fitting in" if that will only bring more suffering for all the times we do not fit in? We need to be funny for this environment and serious for that one, skinny for this culture and round for this other one.

How much work of mind and body! I am too old for such crap and tried it all. At least as 'all' as I could give.

So here I sit and think? How do I want to live? What do I need to change? And as I sit and think a little virus hit the humans I was so determined to become a good example of. Oh Lord!

Well, my 2020 resolutions kinda went right down the drain (yes, of course I still had some!). I ended up simply being happy I made to this year; physically, emotionally and mentally, albeit with some holes, like Swiss cheese, like all of us.

Yet being forced to stop, to think, to be alone did something good! It brought me where I did not know I wanted to be. Inside. In me. Within.

What I found out was a whole world was already there, inside me. All my questions already had an answer. My answer. To my questions. Could I believe it? Of course not!

We don't seem to be as easy, us humans. We seem to believe the road from here to there must be of hardship. Yet if everything is already here, within, then what hardship can there be?

Oh well, the demons! Ain't that fun? All of them. Years and years of trying to find what in the world I had to do to feel I was the one I had to be, and then, like that, I find I already am? Heck no too easy! Too straight!

Alas, our will appears to be far stronger than our fears, and so I opened the big jar of jam in me and found it stuck too hard. I could not wash it off and had to look at it all day. Recluse, alone, a silent hell within.

Death.

Oh no, not a physical one, an ego Death. The Death of all I wanted to be true, the Death of all I had made up yet looked so good, familiar, used-to. This thing I found inside has given me a look upon a deeper truth of man: we're not supposed to build the world outside, we're meant to dig the one within. The one we are, to really shine, is just a breath under our skin.

I realized I spent my life undoing what I was. Using our unstable day and age standards to keep up with life. No wonder I felt tired! No wonder we all do!

Yet then I realized: everyone I met in life who told me they were happy shared one thing and one only: they said they did what they loved. They another aspect: they are all wealthy and healthy and self-reportedly happy. Something must be there for us to take?!

In my twenty I believed I wanted to be what I was told I should be. In my thirties I believed I had to be more than that. In my forties I realized I had no clue who I wanted to be or how to find out. Then 2020 hit and knocked every belief out of me.

Then 2021 came and still, I hoped things would change. They did not.

So here I sit, defeated by my own lies and pray. I pray myself to let go, to allow Death, the reaper of the old, the perpetual movement of creation for a more perfect expression of self to come and take me away. No wait, to come and take my ego away, and my beliefs, and my convictions, just take it all.

And leave me, the me that really is.

I want Death to leave me naked like a baby, in all of its ignorance and beauty of new beginnings, just leave me knowledge of my choice so I don't fall into the pit of lies again. Once clean of masks I can reach within and pull the strings of what I am...

Sweet sound of words, I am.

I want the Reaper to rip it all off, my old clothes covering my soul. So I sit, in this new year and its new months, I sit and wait for it to come. I am resolute to let it go, don't interfere, and clean my mind of crap.

I want to keep my eyes awake in the light of Life. I want to Live my Self so that, when I really die of death, I will say: "At least I lived!"

Thank you for reading, and if you enjoyed this ride feel free to like and tip! All life appreciated here ;-) MoniV.