The struggle is real

I am struggling today. Everything hurts. Everything! No one talks about how depression is not just being sad... It's all the emotions all at once. Without rhyme or reason. It's being fatigued from blinking and breathing. It's seeing your phone ring and not wanting to answer cuz then you have to explain why you sound tired. And if I tried to explain... They probably still wouldn't understand. I'm not lazy, I'm not procrastinating I'm not super sensitive even though I cried when someone told me to smile.. Im fighting a battle inside that no one can see or hear but me. I try to stay busy. So busy I don't have time to feel anything. Too much of any of those feelings can send me spiraling out of control. When you see yourself slipping and there's nothing you can do but hold on for dear life. It's scary. Today is hard. Today I struggled and I know will struggle again. That's the nature of this beast. It's okay to struggle. It's okay to say it out loud, it's okay to cry. What's not okay; quitting.

I am pretty quiet when I'm struggling mentally. The go to thought is that "People don't want to hear about your struggle".

I often find myself reverting into a hermit like state. I want to hide in my room, sleep for days and just drown out the world. Honestly, I want to disappear.

The physical toll is so draining. My head feels often like it will explode. My body feels so stagnant and hurts to move, blink and even breathing is exhausting. It's easier to go to sleep than to fight my own body.

Some days I just give in and I'll not answer phone calls or messages... Other days I power through because my to do list is extensive. I often guilt myself into getting it all done. I feel bad for having kids that watch me struggle... Who have started to notice when it's a "bad day"... They walk on egg shells, they try to help more around the house... They constantly tell me they hope I have a good day and that they love me... Then I feel even worse that I couldn't fake my way through the day.

I often hide in the bathroom... Pretending to use it.. or clean it so I feel somewhat productive and not like a waste of space. Usually I cry while I'm in there.

I don't write this for attention... If you knew me you would know attention is awkward for me. I write this for those of you who might be struggling in silence. I wrote this to tell you that you are not alone. I struggle most days... Sometimes more than others. It's like waves, some are huge, some are small, and some days are tidal waves. Those days are the days when I have to find something to hold on to.

So if you're having one of those days... Find your anchor and hold on. It's just a bad day... Not a bad life.



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