The Psychology of "What Could Have Been"

Have you ever found yourself replaying a decision in your head, imagining how life could have unfolded differently?

The job you didn’t take. The person you never confessed your feelings to. The city you almost moved to.

This mental loop — the contemplation of what could have been — is not merely a passing thought.

It’s a deep psychological phenomenon that subtly shapes our identity, happiness, and worldview.

Today, let's dive into why our brains are wired this way, what these imagined paths reveal about us, and how understanding them can offer unexpected liberation.

The Anatomy of Regret: Why Our Minds Create Alternate Realities

Humans are the only species known to mentally simulate alternative versions of reality.

It’s a feature of our cognitive architecture, tied to something psychologists call counterfactual thinking.

Counterfactual thinking is when we imagine "what if" scenarios:

If only I had studied harder, I would have gotten into that school.

If I had accepted that offer, I would be living abroad now.

If I had spoken up, maybe our relationship wouldn't have ended.

Why do we do this?

Because it’s adaptive. Evolutionarily, simulating alternate outcomes helps us learn from mistakes without having to experience every consequence firsthand. It's a built-in feedback system — painful, but powerful.

However, when overused or mismanaged, this system can trap us in endless loops of regret and longing for worlds that never existed.

The Different Flavors of "What Could Have Been"

Not all imagined paths are born equal.

Psychologists often distinguish between two types of counterfactuals:

Upward Counterfactuals:

Imagining how things could have been better.

("If I had accepted that promotion, I'd be richer and happier now.")

These often trigger regret, sadness, or envy.

Downward Counterfactuals:

Imagining how things could have been worse.

("If I hadn't slammed the brakes in time, I could have been in an accident.")

These tend to generate gratitude and relief.

Interestingly, while upward counterfactuals can fuel ambition and motivate improvement, they also breed dissatisfaction if we constantly idealize paths not taken.

Downward counterfactuals, meanwhile, provide emotional cushioning, helping us appreciate what we have.

The key lies in balance:

Recognizing both the losses and the gains hidden in every decision — seen and unseen.

The Myth of the Perfect Life: Why Alternative Paths Are Romanticized

When we imagine the life we could have lived, it’s rarely in full, gritty detail.

We skip the dull days, the unexpected crises, the minor daily frustrations.

Instead, the life not lived often appears perfect:

The dream job would have been stress-free.

The romantic partner would have been endlessly understanding.

The new city would have solved all our problems.

This phenomenon is called the "grass is greener" bias — a cognitive illusion that makes alternatives look shinier and more appealing precisely because they remain untouched by reality.

Our minds romanticize the unknown because possibility feels more exciting than imperfection.

But this creates a cruel irony:

We mourn the loss of fantasies that were never real in the first place.

How Imagined Paths Shape Our Identity

You might think that alternative histories live in some dusty backroom of the mind, gathering cobwebs.

But research shows the opposite:

Our "what if" narratives actively shape who we believe we are today.

For instance:

Someone who always imagines themselves as a successful artist might carry a hidden identity of "the artist I never became," influencing their self-esteem and sense of fulfillment.

Someone who constantly replays a lost relationship may unconsciously view themselves as "the one who missed out on love," impacting how they approach future connections.

In a way, we are haunted by the ghosts of possible selves — living, breathing alternate versions of ourselves that shadow our choices and emotions.

Understanding this can be profoundly freeing:

It shows that many of our feelings of inadequacy or loss aren’t rooted in real failures, but in the stories we keep telling ourselves about what could have been.

Can We Ever Make Peace With Paths Not Taken?

Yes — but it requires a shift in how we relate to our imagined lives.

Here’s how:

1. Recognize the Fantasy Filter

Accept that your imagined life is a highlight reel, not a full movie.

Every path carries joys and struggles. No road is pure bliss.

2. Honor the Courage of Choosing

Every choice involves loss. By choosing one road, you inherently lose access to others.

But choosing itself is an act of bravery. You committed. You moved forward.

That's powerful.

3. Integrate the Lessons

Instead of mourning the life not lived, ask:

What did this longing teach me about my values?

Maybe your regret over not moving abroad reveals a passion for adventure.

Good — you can honor that today, in new ways.

4. Rewrite the Story

Instead of saying "I missed my chance," say:

"I chose a path. And it made me who I am today — with all its beauty and scars."

You are not only the sum of your successes, but also the sum of your choices, your resilience, and your continued growth.

A Final Thought:

Life isn't a neat novel where every chapter must make perfect sense.

It’s a sprawling, messy, breathtaking improvisation.

The roads you didn’t take?

They helped shape you too — not by where they led, but by what they revealed about your desires, your fears, and your strength.

You are not your missed opportunities.

You are the person who dared to dream — and kept walking forward.

And that, perhaps, is the most extraordinary story of all.