The Journey to Becoming My Own After Narcissistic Abuse

Discovering the Concept of Narcissistic Abuse

A little over two years ago, I had no understanding of the term "narcissistic abuse." In fact, I doubt I'd ever heard those words used together in the same sentence.

Instead, my understanding of what it meant to be narcissistic was derived from my vague knowledge of Greek mythology and a man who fell in love with his own reflection. I would have never related this ideal back to my own life.

However, in 2019, a few weeks prior to finding out the truth about the man I was planning to marry, I did an online search.

"Why does my relationship feel like a rollercoaster?"

I was in a state of extreme emotional turmoil from the constant ups and downs of my relationship and determined to find an answer so I could fix it.

That query led me to an article called, "100 Signs You are Dating a Narcissist." Out of curiosity, I read it. From the list of 100 signs, 82 fit my situation.

Oh crap.

I started reading everything I could find on the subject. I stumbled across Quora and started reading stories there as well. Through research, I started to build the vernacular to name the things I'd been experiencing. However, I was also working just as hard to convince myself this was NOT what I was dealing with. I was basically gaslighting myself to try and explain it all away.

Surely he's not a narcissist. He loves me.

However, as fate would have it, a few weeks later, all his lies completely unraveled as his wife (whom I had not known existed) discovered he had a Tinder account, which caused her to start digging through phone records and eventually led her to me.

She and I spent three days sorting through his lies before she confronted him. During those days, I told her I suspected he had narcissistic personality disorder and encouraged her to read up on the subject.

She didn't follow my advice, unfortunately. Eventually, she gave in to his manipulation and lies and decided to stay with him, despite the fact that he'd spent 2 of the 3 years they'd been married building an imaginary future with me.

To this day I believe they are still married. I can't even imagine what a painful nightmare her life must be.

However, I suppose that is neither here nor there anymore.

The Gift of Betrayal

Although it took me months before I could string complete thoughts together, in the aftermath I eventually started to see the pattern of toxic treatment throughout my life. My last relationship, my oldest son's father, various romantic relationships in between, people I'd called close friends, two bosses, my mom, and, (though it took me a very long time to allow myself to see this) my older sister, too - whom I'd once considered to be my best friend.

I realized I'd gravitated towards these toxic and transactional relationships my entire life. They were everywhere. I had unconsciously surrounded myself with them as if the toxicity was comforting.

After I spent a few months pulling all the weeds from my life - I was finally able to step back and understand why there were so many.

My mom had taught me from a young age that I was not my own. She taught me my existence as a person only mattered insofar as to be the shoulders she could lay blame on for all her unhappiness. As long as she could blame me for how miserable she felt, she didn't have to take responsibility for any of it herself.

And so I spent the first 40 years of life unconscious of my own needs and hyperfocused on satisfying the needs of the people around me, in hope of some kind of validation.

Turns out, I was completely codependent…which just happens to be a narcissist's favorite kind of play toy.

Becoming My Own

The journey to becoming my own has not been easy. For a long time, I felt debilitating shame when I tried to say no to anyone. I felt selfish anytime I honored my own needs. I'd lay on the floor of my shower and just cry. I didn't understand why it hurt so much to simply try to exist.

Although tragic in so many ways, 2020 became a time of immense personal growth. I was thankful to have so much time tucked away in my apartment to try to figure myself out. I was grateful that I didn't have to make excuses as to why I was so detached from the world around me.

During that time, I read a book calledThe Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap and it was life-changing. I highly recommend this book if you want to understand the dynamics of being a codependent in a narcissistic world.

I also started studying the work of Dr. Richard Schwartz called Internal Family Systems. His theories are changing the face of psychotherapy and helped me dig deep to see how fragmented I was from the abuse of my younger years. By learning to make friends with my "parts," I slowly started to become whole again.

I also started to figure out what my interests are. I discovered I love hiking. I love being in nature. I love going on spontaneous road trips by myself and singing at the top of my lungs in my car. I love Indian food! Who knew? I like buying myself flowers on Fridays and I'm completely engrossed by documentaries of all kinds.

And, most importantly, I like spending lots of time alone  -  which I'd never realized in my constant state of people-pleasing. I had a habit of saying yes to things that I really didn't want to do because I never realized saying no was an option.

I was never taught that I could be my own. But now, that has changed.

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I will forever be a work in progress, however, I'm so excited to finally exist in my own skin.

If you find yourself in the never-ending exhaustion of people-pleasing, I encourage you to take a step back and ask yourself, why? What are you hoping to gain? Is it working? And if it isn't, what steps can you take to make changes in your life?

Simply practicing saying 'no' is a great start. It will feel completely foreign at first, but with practice, each 'no' will start to feel empowering.

Honor yourself and your needs. Because if you don't take care of yourself, no one will.