The Devils Details...

I I don't feel like a good person, nor do I want or desire to exist in this world anymore. I am narcissistic and I'm aware of how I want to heal from it but can't seem to find any motivation to do anything I might enjoy because I know I wouldn't find it emotionally satisfying.

Around August 2020 I met someone. Were they a good person to me? The quick and short answer is no, not really. When we met I realized how terrible a life can be to someone. As the narcissism within me  would allow I didn't care as its easy to shut down and not care.

For whatever reason I started to see something in this woman around my age. I met her daughter approximately 18. All of everything I saw in all of their lives needed improvements just simple quality of life things.

Some quick abbreviated back story. I was fortunate to have a neighbor who bought me brand new furniture. Gave me his car and supported me at a low time in my life. He passed away the day before my daughter's birthday mid September.

The daughter of the young woman whom I met. Had little to no furniture, so I gave her the brand new furniture. I found people all over to give my belongings away to. The lady whose house burned down received my food, spices, dishes, and appliances. I had obtained rare silver coins i wanted to hold onto for a better future for myself i gave to the young woman i had met in August as well as the car that was left to me, because her vehicle which I gave her $500 to purchase wasn't the greatest. I gave tools and a new bed to a guy fresh out of prison. A lot of other miscellaneous items went to a lady she "rented" a room from. Nothing was easily done. Years of building my own business were gone. Everything from my previous relationship of 8 years was gone. 20 years since I left the military and anything I had acquired even family heirlooms and gifts were disappearing.

I began to draw hoping each variation of wings and heart told the story of how I was healing if you want to call it that. I still felt no passion, no love, no more alive. I made a homemade prison by having my dog and a mattress on the floor. No food, no friends, and all I prayed for was love and kindness. It wasn't always there when I wanted it or needed it. It was extremely hard to give your heart to a strangers and feel rejected by everything.

As true as it is today it was even more true just 3 short months ago. I was and am giving up on life. Anything I could give away i did. I burned friendship (exploded) should be said.

There is no easy answer. I have a pure kindness in my heart. I want to share it with the woman I met in August. I have no true knowledge if its worth fighting for, but I am still making the effort. I still feel we can be good together.

I moved back home to family with nothing except the clothes on my back and whatever I could fit on my 2 stowed suitcases. People talk about what they lost but have you ever given literally everything away. Knowing you will still be stabbed in the back and have your heart ripped to shreds. I took a weird and wild approach to giving up.

I still want to believe there is better in people. I believe in love. I believe in cherishing and having faith in someone you want in your heart. I believe that a love can flourish from inner darkness.

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