The Day Freedom Died

America, land of the free, has fallen... it is no more.

I never thought I would see the day this truly happened in the country I've proudly called my home since birth. The country my ancestors, elders, grandfathers, father, and uncles fought for. The country my partner fought for. The country I always praised and cherished... the country that taught me what freedom looked like. Now... I watch it perish under a regime of tyranny and evil that masquerades under the guise of religion and doing "God's" work. These are the moments that continue to reshape me... that redefine me just when I thought that I had reached my final state of definition. But the transformations are not always for the better... this particular time of change has me conflicted and tormented with guilt and disgust.

As an empath, my emotions are tremendously heavy and it can often be overwhelming. I feel the energy from all around and it creates difficulty at times when the weight of the emotional energy is exceptionally burdensome. I also am a skilled critical thinker, which allows a unique ability to separate the emotional aspect while maintaining an empathetic understanding. This has continually allowed me the ability to protect myself from reacting based on the pure emotional rises that can be difficult to navigate for empaths. It has also allowed me to remain level headed in times of extreme stress and challenges... however lately this is becoming exceedingly more difficult.

I see this blatant, horrendous assault on the United States Constitution and the laws that have helped guide this country happening daily by those sworn to uphold them. I am witnessing those holding the highest political offices in this country swear to protect freedom, while in the same breath demanding that those freedoms be stripped from citizens who do not agree with them. I studied the law, including constitutional law, and previously worked with several attorneys. I remember studying cases that led to significant defining moments of the laws in this country, cases where empathy and critical thought were key factors to the decisions. I read the works of Voltaire and was blown away by the satirical narrative that his novel, Candide, was written with.

I never imagined it would portray an image of truth, until now. I watch this vile behavior happening on a world stage and the supporters cheering for the horrors that are occurring, cheering for their own demise and loss of freedom. Why? Why are so many people optimistically cheering for the destruction of the US Constitution? The death of freedom and hope for equality just makes them cheer and welcome it louder. I remember reading Orwell's novel 1984 when I was younger and laughing because I was so confident and sure that NOTHING like that would EVER really happen in the US. Now, I witness the regime of hate convincing people to disregard what they see with their own eyes and everything they know to be fact, in exchange for the lies that they demand be believed.

I feel these moments transforming the empathic critical thinker I am, into someone filled with burning rage as I scream to myself every day "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!!" I find my empathic side being riddled with guilt and disgust as my critical thinking persona is able to fully justify thoughts based upon facts and sound reasoning. While at the same time, my emotions as an empath burn like an inferno within my soul, furious over what is happening. But the negativity that seethes inside of me brings guilt and disgust over the thoughts that are racing through my mind brought on by the wrath I feel. These emotions vibe against the person I have always been, causing this internal conflict of emotions and mind.

Logic seems harder to maintain as every day brings more fuel being tossed onto the once controlled volcano of emotion that exists within my soul. Critical thinking is both an enemy and ally as it creates reasonable and factual arguments that I applaud and detest at the same time. The patience I always had and was proud of feels like it's being chipped away more and more. The empathic critical thinker who could always see all sides of a situation, while always maintaining control and reason, is now struggling to see past the justified, but still raging tsunami of emotions within my being. I feel as though I am a ticking bomb continually being fed more gasoline as I try to balance the uncontrolled fires trying to light my shortening fuse.

Yet, through this regime of idiocrasy and crisis of humanity unfolding, despite the earth shattering, landslide of emotions raging within my heart and soul - I find myself somehow still hopeful. It is curious to me, because generally, I am lacking in optimism and as last year came to an end... I truly felt that I had no hope left. But instead of falling into the bottomless well of despair and darkness, a small spark of light shimmers within my soul. It helps bring a sense of calm to the chaotic explosion of emotional and critical thoughts fighting within me. It brings a sense of grounding to the bottomless well of outrage, heartbreak, and utter abhorrence that continues to overflow within me.

I don't know exactly where this tumultuous period of transformation within myself will lead. I also do not know where this atrocious period of history for the US will eventually end at. I do know that the more depraved and villainous the regime becomes, the more wrathful and conflicted I feel over the emotional turmoil butting heads within my soul. I also know that the larger this tsunami of destructive emotions within me gets, the brighter I feel that little spark of hope get. I am in completely uncharted territory with the emotions and lack of control boiling inside of me. Yet, I cannot feel hopeless or lost... even in this darkest of times. That gives me reason to hold onto the belief that this journey into a unknown chaotic abyss will serve some purpose... eventually. Either that, or I just am too fucking stubborn to accept that there isn't always a reason for life's bullshit.

© 2024 Luna Verity