The 5 Biggest Lessons I Learned from Trying to Love a Narcissist.

I spent two years caught up in the spiderweb of a covert narcissist whom I was thoroughly convinced was my soul mate. I believed that if I could just 'act right' (like he always told me to,) maybe the emotional rollercoaster would stop and the constant ups and downs would finally even out so we could just be happy.

Because when we were happy, it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever felt. But when we weren't, I felt like I was being held underwater while trying to desperately kick my way to the surface.

I had no idea who or what I was dealing with, or that everything I believed to be true about him, and us, was built on a foundation of lies. I didn't realize his lies were building and building like the dark and deadly wave of a tsunami that would eventually obliterate the life I thought I was building, and sweep everything out to sea.

Never to be seen again.

I've spent the two years since going no contact with him trying to piece myself back together and make sense of what happened. Only recently have I started to string the jumble of words inside of me together to start telling my story.

Truly, it's a story as old as time. The co-dependent gives, the narcissist takes. The co-dependent is left feeling shattered and confused while the narcissist just moves on to the next shiny toy (or slithers back to the wife he'd had all along.)

Loving him didn't kill me (although it came close), so I guess that means I'm stronger now. Either way, here are the Top 5 lessons I've learned from trying to love a narcissist.

1. Always Trust Your Gut.

When I first met him, I thought he was incredibly good-looking, but I also thought he was a snake. I had that cold stab-in-my-stomach feeling I get when I sense something is off as he shook my hand. Kind of like the feeling of dropping really fast on a rollercoaster.

I remember telling my friend that no guy with a smile like that could be trusted. He, on the other hand, was not used to meeting a woman who didn't throw herself at him, so the chase was on. It took him a month, but he finally convinced me to give him a chance.

Looking back, I wish I'd just burned the place down and walked out with double middle fingers in the air, but I guess I'd probably be in jail if I'd done that so instead, I learned this lesson the hard way.

I had that cold stabbing feeling often with him. I even joked at one point with my sister that maybe he's secretly married because some of his behavior was just…off. But he spent so much time with me when he wasn't traveling for work (or at least he told me he was traveling) that I convinced myself he couldn't possibly be married. (Spoiler Alert: He was.)

Trust your gut!

Which brings me to the second biggest lesson I learned from loving a narcissist…

2. Ask Questions.

There are a lot of questions I should have asked but didn't. Part of that was due to the conditioning of his emotional manipulation, and part was due to fear of what I'd find out.

Early on, any questions I had were dismissed or half-heartedly explained away, but eventually, they were turned into weapons and used against me. He convinced me I had trust issues - that I was paranoid and possibly losing my mind. Mental illness runs in my family and he knew how to use that fear against me.

There was also a part of me that feared the truth. I feared what I might discover if I asked too many questions  -  and if that isn't the biggest red flag on the planet, I don't know what is.

When something seems odd or off, ask questions. And if the answer doesn't make sense, ask more questions. And if the person contradicts themself, keep asking questions!

If they get angry when you try to get clarification, they are probably hiding something - because, as my favorite post-narcissist quote goes, "No one gets angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did."

Honest people don't have anything to hide.

3. Pay Attention to the Things You Don't Tell Your Close Friends.

Most of my friends and family adored the narcissist. So charismatic. So charming. My best friend, on the other hand, couldn't stand him. She wasn't sure what it was, but she hated him. And so, I found myself hiding the emotional turmoil not only from my friends who adored him, but also from my best friend who couldn't stand him.

He was also very sensitive to what I said about him to others (so much so that he read my journals and monitored my text messages…) so I was constantly editing my words to appease his ego - in case he read them. In fact, this filtering of my own thoughts continued for months after the end of the relationship.

It took me months to be able to utter the word "abuse" to my therapist, for fear of how angry he'd be if he knew I'd said that about him.

If you can't be honest with your friends or yourself about what is going on in your relationship, it's time to leave.

4. Not all Humans are Good People

Prior to meeting him, I was definitely of the Pollyanna mindset - sparkles, sunshine, and a belief that every human is good at their core. I have always looked for the best in everyone, and he had some good parts. He was funny, spontaneous, musically gifted, and great with my kids. He held me upright as my knees buckled the day my oldest swore into the Navy and held me together the day my best friend had a traumatic miscarriage, and I couldn't be with her.

These were the moments I desperately held onto when he was ripping me to shreds. Perhaps this is why it was so easy for me to look past the evil in this man - I believed he was inherently good at his core.

Ironically, he was the one who used to argue with me about this subject. "Some people want to set the world on fire, simply to watch it burn" he would tell me. I had no idea he was referring to himself.

Lesson learned. Not every human on this planet means well! Don't get so caught up in looking for the best in people that you let them burn your world to the ground while you congratulate them for how bright the fire they started is.

5. Love Isn't Something You Have to Earn

One of the most eye-opening things I've written in my healing journey was this:

I realized the love he offered me felt safe and familiar because it was the same kind of love my mom had dangled over my head as a child - conditional, and always just out of reach.

Oof.

I was raised by a selfish, hateful woman who taught me that love was something to be earned and that no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough to earn it.

This internalization of love has been the reason I've gravitated to unhealthy relationships my whole life. Conditional love was normalized in my brain - and it's exactly what he offered me.

He was always moving the goal post. One day he'd say I didn't love him because I didn't call him enough times. So, I'd start calling him more often (even though he never answered), but then he'd be upset because I didn't spontaneously make him cookies. And the fact that he had to point out I didn't make him cookies was proof I didn't love him.

Let's not even talk about how much he'd say I clearly didn't love him if I questioned anything that didn't make sense….and round and round it went.

I was trying so hard to prove my love to him so that I could earn his in return but the rules were constantly changing. The game was rigged!

I've come to understand now that love - real love, is unconditional. There are no goalposts or finish lines. There are no shape-shifting rules. It just exists and it is given needing proof of deserving it. The way I love my children. The way my dog loves me.

If you're trying to love someone who is constantly setting rules on how to earn theirs, leave. Healthy love will never come with conditions.

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Relationships are not easy, however, if yours is making you feel like an edited version of yourself, maybe it isn't as healthy as it should be.

And for all of my fellow humans recovering from narcissistic abuse, I'm curious, what are some of the biggest lessons you've learned?