Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

My own personal story I have been wanting to get out for a long time now but I just never had an outlet. Luckily I stumbled across this site and thought now is the perfect time to share my story. It takes courage to come out after years and years of sexual abuse. You have been conditioned to believe it was somehow your fault and in a way, you feel quite guilty. However, I am now getting stronger and stronger and am not ashamed. I would love to share my story in order to help others who have gone through or are going through abuse. Hopefully this gives them courage to speak out as well and the strength to know you CAN keep going. There's recovery in the horizon and I encourage everyone to seek that journey.

The very beginning of my life started with trials and sadness. My dad passed away when I was 2 which left me, my mom, and my brother alone in the city of Chicago. It is a scary thought to be my young mother with two children in the city all by herself. She gravitated towards religion and found solace in it. Unfortunately, this is the start of a slippery slope into a dark situation. Her belief started to take a sharp turn into radicalism. We ended up attending church at least 3 times a week when I was 4 years old.

My mother instilled the fear of the lord in us from day one. My brother and I were told if we didn't accept Jesus into our hearts, we would go to hell. A deep, fiery pit awaited us if we didn't repent and become a Christian. I remember being 4 and absolutely horrified at the thought of this. I recall fearing for all my aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I was so sad that they would end up in hell because they didn't believe EXACTLY what my mom was preaching. Catholics, in her eyes, didn't get to go to heaven. Evangelicalism is such a delusional sect of Christianity. It is their way, or no way. We were taught about the coming of Christ and all that would perish because they didn't believe correctly. We were discouraged from ANY type of secularism. T.V., regular school, and lots of activities were looked down upon. You are cut off from the real world and forced into an isolated world. This world is full of chauvinism and male superiority. Women stay silent and the men are in charge.

In this twisted world, my mother met a man. I was 5 years old when they met; he was a large, bald, stocky man. I remember being afraid of him at first. He seemed like a giant! He won my mom over and within 6 months they were married.

I was excited about the prospect of a new dad! I remember telling my extended family that I was soon getting a dad. I look back on this in such sadness. I wanted a father so bad. How could someone betray a child in such a horrid way?

We started our new life together in a normal way. A new house, new things, and a new beginning for us all. They both decided to homeschool us which I detested! I wanted so bad to go to Kindergarten at a real school with real children, not just my brother. The curriculum was packed with Jesus facts, Evangelical teachings, and omitting science of any kind. My education consisted mainly of Biblical teachings which robbed me of a good education.

A year later is when things started to take a dark turn. I was 6 years old, I was happy, and I was excited about this new family. My mother started to leave me home with my new step dad more and more. She ran errands or went to church choir. The start of the turn of things happened during the summer of 1994. I was left alone with my step dad for quite a long time. It was a few hours. He lured me into the room and started to sexually molest me. I remember not even being sure if it was wrong! We were never spoken to about sex or what happens if someone touches you.

I was confused and scared. I remember it hurt but he instructed me not to tell anyone. He was so much bigger than me and overcame me in strength. There was no fighting back. He started telling me that he could tell I wanted it. I was 6 years old! He acted like I enjoyed it when I was so silent, rigid, and frightened. It made me doubt myself. Maybe I was asking for it. How could I tell?

I thought they would never believe me, especially since men are the boss and head of the family. Now that I have children of my own, there is nothing a child can do to elicit ANY type of sexual attention.

Since the first incident, it began to snowball into more and more abuse when no one was home, or late at night. I would ALWAYS hope someone would come home early or my mom would wake up at night to find him doing this. I was in a room by myself but I still didn't understand why she didn't check on him after he left the bed at 2 am. When my partner leaves for awhile late at night, I immediately go check to see if he's ok or what he's up to.

I was a child and being subjected to sexual abuse almost every night. I was terrified, started getting UTI's, started saying my stomach hurt, yet no one questioned if anything was up with me. There were signs after signs.

What was worse, was that I resented my step father and had such hatred. Instead of church members questioning why I was acting the way that I was, I was constantly ridiculed for not respecting him. I was given the speech that he came and took care of my brother and I so how could I give him such attitude? More and more hatred for him, for the church, and actually for myself built up.

My home became a nightmare and I had no where to turn. I was stuck in the house daily because of being home schooled. I had no friends, no one to speak to outside of the church, and everyone in the church thought I was an ungrateful brat.

It felt like a big, dark hole that I kept sinking into. I thought I'd NEVER get out. I suffered through it like it was my fault and this is life. I sadly began to accept this is the way of life and I should get used to it. For years, I was stuck in this jail of a house being abused nightly. Still I help onto a glimmer of hope that I would get out and my story would be heard one day.