Suicide

I was asked to write about this topic by a dear friend. It is not an easy topic to write about. The topic of suicide is dark, it is scary, and it is ugly. It is one of the topics we avoid, it is also a reality that we must not.

I can write about this because I have been there. I am a suicide survivor. When I was fourteen I drank a gas of gasoline and took forty some odd pills. I did not make it. I was dead for seven or eight minutes. I somehow was revived and lived on. Again, when I was seventeen, I successfully committed suicide and was brought back. In neither of these instances did anyone see it coming. I have other attempts, not to mention I tried to intentionally drink myself to death twice. So, I am able to relate to suicide from the side of the person wanting out.

Although I feel I can empathize with the survivors, family, friends and loved ones, I cannot say I know their pain because I have never been on that side of this darkness. My heart does go out to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. I cannot imagine your pain, loss, or confusion.

Before I start writing I always pray. Today was a prayer with tears, because this is a very “close to home” topic for me. It is sadly, a part of my life story. I can only write about that which I have experienced, that said, I am hopeful that God will use my words to help someone else understand why suicide becomes a very valid answer to some people. I want to be perfectly clear! I do NOT condone suicide, but I do understand how someone can reach that decision.

I have heard people say “Suicide is a cowards way out.” Or in the aftermath, “They had so much to live for.” I want to kill these ideas from the start. They were not cowards, nor did they feel they had anything to live for. Suicide is the final conclusion of a truly damaged soul. It definitely is not an act of cowardice, but an act of desperation. They can have all the love and support in the world, and feel lost, alone and hopeless. I deem suicide as the complete and total loss of hope.

I know the thoughts that went through my mind. The darkest thoughts you can imagine! I can assure you all hope was gone. I knew that life had nothing left for me, and that the world would be better off without me in it. These are not sane thoughts! Suicide also involves a level of insanity that convinces a person to take a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Quite literally I was unable to see any other option. The pain of living far exceeded the fear of dying. In the insanity that engulfed me I took the option to take myself out. That I am here to write about it is evidence of God’s grace.

I cannot explain in words the level of despair that leads up to suicide. I cannot put into words with sufficient force the pain one feels, the loneliness, nor can I define the thoughts that allow a person to validate committing suicide. That is because there are none. No words can ever be sufficient! As a result, we refuse to talk about it in any depth. Which is sad because we should.

In this world I have found that people who are hurting the most wear smiles. They pretend everything is okay when it most certainly is not. They never tell a soul of their inner torment. They are here one day, and, gone the next without anyone knowing. I know this because I wore that smile. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to seem weak or didn’t want to bother anyone with my problems. Everyone thought everything was okay, until it wasn’t. Thoughts of suicide are as taboo as the act itself. I knew I couldn’t “share” my pain. It would get me locked up in a psych ward. I didn’t want to be in a psych ward, I didn’t want to be here at all.

The thing is that there is help. As taboo as this topic is, there are people who dedicate their lives to helping people who think suicide is a viable option. Most of them are survivors of suicide on one of the two ends of this thing. It is my sincere prayer that those thinking of suicide reach out, although most won’t. It is my prayer that they get counselling and find a way through their pain, most won’t, I pray that someone will see their broken soul and talk to them, most won’t.

The reason most will not is glaring. As a society we choose to sweep the darkest issues under the rug, deny their very existence until they affect us, and then we close that door as soon as we possibly can. The tortured soul in crisis will not pick up the phone because they have quietly tried to reach out already but found no one there. In ways so minute or unseeable they tried, but the shame of even thinking that way denies them the ability to really say what’s going on inside.

We can no longer avoid talking about suicide openly. This year alone over 500,000 people will self harm, per the CDC (Center for Disease Control) there is an average of 132 suicides a day (2018 report). This is not acceptable. Let’s please come together and have serious dialogue about this issue, maybe we can find working solutions and save a few souls along the way.