Sometimes

Life is hard. It's hard enough without all the extras; money, food, work, school. It's especially hard when you live with a mental illness. Today I woke in a great mood, happy even, just to find myself circling the drain a few hours later. My very existence was a rollercoaster heading ever downwards with no stop in sight. Finally, realizing that I had forgotten to take my medicine I leapt into action as if a few pills held the cure within them. It's been a while now and there is no change. The lights in the room still seem dimmer than normal, the fog hasn't lifted, my life has no value, and tomorrow can't come any sooner.

Sometimes I dread tomorrow. Anything can happen. It's a world full of mystery and wonder and nothing is certain in it. Except I know what awaits me: sadness, fear, uncertainty, anxiety, mood swings... I know that what awaits me is me. This damaged husk will wake and it will all start over again. Maybe it won't be so bad. Just maybe the lights of the world won't be as dim as tonight. Perhaps I'll be better than today. Who knows? But I do know. I know because of that feeling in my stomach; that pit that gnaws at my very core. Sometimes I know that tomorrow will be just as bad as today and today I know that about tomorrow.

So here I am. Writing my thoughts in the most public of spaces for strangers to see. I don't if it's a good idea but vomiting these words onto a blank page feels... right. As my mind empties it's baggage and opens it's gates for the world to see a sense of hope is born in the deepest crevice of it. "I love you" it says quietly; "It's okay, you're safe." I remember as I write that I do love myself and that it is alright to feel like this sometimes. I remember that sometimes life is just hard and that's okay.

Today I woke feeling like I ruled the world. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake to find I do.

...

It's tomorrow and I don't rule, I am ruled. I'm ruled by this guilty feeling of letting down others by trying to make myself better. I'm ruled by this pain in my body and by this anxiety and this overwhelming sadness. I'm ruled by the tears that refuse to be born into the world. Sometimes I wish I could make all of it disappear. Sometimes I wish I could open my eyes and be surrounded by the happy smiles of those who love me. But today no-one loves me; or so it feels. Today feels lonely.

I try to make the best out of it. I try to keep thinking about the beautiful world outside, my dogs, my loved ones... I try to keep busy with writing it all out. Pushing all of it into existence, giving it life with my words. And it helps. It helps me understand the mess in my head and I see the unravelling of my thoughts, the bad ones, as they dissipate one by one. I guess it's not all bad after all. But I'm left to wander this empty space fearing what will fill it next.

Again, here I am. Still standing. Still breathing deeply to soothe the qualms of my soul. Still walking towards another tomorrow unable to stop; not wanting to stop. Because I know that there is a better tomorrow somewhere. I just have to keep looking for it and, sure enough, I'll find it. Or it will find me. So here I am. Still standing and breathing... and living.