Smoking, a cloud of Denial.

Seven days ago before boarding a flight from my homeland, Ireland, I smoked my last cigarette. Having given up before for a stint of almost three months, I felt I knew what obstacles lay ahead of me. This time I vowed not to falter.

Unwittingly I have given about five years of my life - one fifth of my time spent in existence, to an ever-deteriorating relationship with one or another form of these little smelly fellows. The people I hold closest in my life know me the same amount of time. That thought shook me a little. Perhaps it's not surprising how tough it is to remain smoke free. I've just removed a close friend from myself, or more so, my body, without even a goodbye. I can't say it’s a sad farewell however…

Luckily this time around, a lot of attention is being paid to the comparisons between this & my last effort. Which I feel has brought some ease & power to my reactions to withdrawal symptoms. I found this table a great help so far, when I feel that irritability kicking in, I can understand it & therefore overcome it rather than let it overcome me.

It does however, make the road look like a long one. The lengthiest of the symptoms is increased appetite. Wonderful. Now not only must one manage their relationship with cigarettes & addiction but now it limits the joy of chewing happily on whatever you let yourself indulge in normally. I say this because I did not limit one wee bite on my first attempt… of course I soon saw the results, which was then another issue I had to spend time & mental effort to rectify. This happens so easily, because the nauseating feeling that comes when you can't sleep is so very similar to that of hunger. I'm grateful for failing once to know this now.

One indication I have used to differentiate between the two, is grumbling. Your belly isn't going to gurgle for want of a cigarette. To be fair, the feeling does subside upon eating or drinking, but if its in between meal times/late at night or your house is full of nice things, you will see the weight gain. Do a grocery shop that will allow you plenty to eat but limited to nourishing goods. For me, blueberries, coconut water, herbal teas. Of course, it’s a bit of a hindrance if your happy pallet remains in the carbohydrate/saturated fats side of things.

For a few days I tried to avoid telling anyone, or planned to say, 'I don't smoke' If asked. This was perhaps to give me & me alone time to adjust to the idea. Since then people keep asking if I'm taking the cold-turkey approach or another method & the response when I say yes is rewarding. Instantly people show their surprise & react as if I am stronger for choosing the harder route. This reinforces my drive because I see how others perceive the addiction. (In my opinion anyway) Of course I'm going cold-turkey, I never felt obliged, or more so, condemned, to smoke before I started, which was most of my life!

I'm not aiming to preach to those of you who say you enjoy smoking. You're not at a place where you're ready to step away. But a valid point was highlighted to me by a friend who is months past me in the process. Let's say you smoke Marlboro, because you 'enjoy' them. They're your 'favourite'.

What happens if you run out?  In the company of someone who smokes Bensen & Hedges (consider that these are your 'least favourite')…..What's going to happen when you are offered one? Odds are, you're not turning down the offer of some sweet stuff over no sweet stuff.

That’s addiction I'm afraid, lack of control & therefore, choice.

I have a 30-40 minute commute to work, which where I live can be a stressful event at the best of times, but my god, since giving up.... it feels like driving to the moon. I couldn't see why suddenly it took so much longer to get home. But of course the normal routine I had was to break up the journey with one, or four smokes. This now is filled by nothingness. That soon, will also be the norm. Bring it!

Spending time with friends just idly chatting over dinner has started to feel inane also, the restlessness is at its peak where I would normally just sit & chat, locked in the illusion that I was comfortable. In hindsight, it was the opposite. How many times, if you are a smoker reading this, have you been alone in a social situation, be it waiting for a friend etc., Have you sparked up, just to kill the time or look busy? It's like taking out your phone in a long elevator journey, except as far as we know, only one of these actions causes a torrent of life-threatening illnesses.

For god's sake…. We are paying for this. Where I live I can buy a carton of cigarettes with my milk for an absurdly small cost. But if I want to buy a pack while out at a bar it will cost me roughly the equivalent of 50 smokes, paid for by the carton. So, when I went out, I'd always bring two packs....... & I would always smoke them. Nasty, nasty, nasty.

Soon to be noted is the much less soul destroying hangovers of the smoke-free person. Who knows, this may mean, when the time comes to attempt a full-on night on the razz, I may be able to vamp up the frequency of my social shenanigans, with no fear of losing the next day of my life to thundering headaches.

Even now, I have both the nausea & the brain-pain but it's a whole lot better than being out of control. If there's anything I want to dominate in this life, its my actions.