Postpartum w/ PTSD

When I realized that I was miscarrying at 6 weeks, I found myself lost in a type of despair I wasn't familiar with. Not having a partner to rely on, only a handful of commitment-phobe lovers, I was forced to actually reach out for help. I called several friends for the first time in a long time. They were all wonderful and horrible in their own ways, but I was so relieved that I had people to call who actually picked up the phone, that it didn't really matter in the end what they said or didn't say. I do remember someone warned me there would be months of hormonal and physical recovery to 'look forward to'. As someone with PTSD this felt like a death sentence, for the struggle to find balance with an imbalanced mind/body is already too real - so real that I got fired from my last job due to complications of my experience of PTSD, and have been out of work for 4 months since, feeling like a failure and completely dejected, unable to literally apply myself to any other jobs or track down the paperwork to get on disability. If it weren't for my parents and their privilege, I'd most likely be homeless on the streets and attempting suicide right about now. I'm not joking or going for dramatic effect here - someone's brokenness can lead to some really terrible realities, and there is a very fine line around quality of life that we walk when we stop being able to ask for help and/or run out of resources.

It hasn't helped that the pregnancy hormones made me absolutely glow - for the first time in my adult life I had clear skin, shiny hair, and lovely, full tits. I had just turned 30 right around the time I got fired, and at that point, before the firing, I felt like things were finally looking up for me. I had a major breakthrough in feeling love for myself after 4 years of struggling with PTSD and recovering from relational abuse. Despite practically drowning for years in the darkness, barely keeping my head above water, and just starting to feel like I've finally found a shore, there was nothing that could prepare me for the onslaught of difficult emotions, toxic thoughts, and physical effects that I have been experiencing in the last 6 weeks post-miscarriage.

Going anywhere there will be people is an event that I have to work myself up extra for - heaven forbid that I have to make any small talk in my driveway with the neighbors if I forget something in my car or take out the garbage bins; this agoraphobia is familiar territory with my PTSD, but even more uncomfortable now as my self-confidence is at an all-time low. I feel incredibly vulnerable, all of the time. Physically, my entire trunk, including my now-sagging tits, is covered in painful, itchy, red folliculitis bumps that aren't responding to any treatment. They say it's important to stay clean and follow simple grooming routines if you're feeling depressed - this is to remind you that you really do care about yourself. However, every day that I take a shower and follow up with my skin care routine, I fall into a deep, deep depression because I feel so ugly looking at my naked body. I haven't wanted to visit either of my lovers due to this full-body breakout, and have isolated myself from pretty much all outings with friends so that I don't have to irritate my skin even more with makeup/bra/tight fitting clothing.

Of course, I'm also avoiding all that "I'm ok, everything is fine, I'm stronger because of my experience" bullshit. Honestly, everything is terrible, and even thinking about practicing #gratitude and #selfcare feels completely disingenuine right now. Did I mention my new "mom butt"? It makes me want to do squats all day, but the hormonal depression is winning by keeping me in bed bingeing anything and everything on Netflix. I check and recheck my email, where I've signed up for ten different self-help programs but haven't followed through on any because everything is just so overwhelming. To go from turning 30, finally forging the self-confidence to date again 4 years after an abusive relationship and struggling with PTSD, then getting fired, then getting pregnant, then having a miscarriage, then riding the postpartum hormonal roller coaster - can you blame me for hating literally everything right now? Seriously, don't even try to send cute kitten photos - it won't help.

The daily toxic thoughts persist into my dreams as well... I sleep a lot these days, but it never seems nearly enough. One thought that I wake to often is: "If only I had a partner to help me through this - someone to love me despite my insecurities, who isn't afraid to hold me in my pain, anger, sadness, someone who will give me time to find my joy again, and help out by sharing theirs along the way - I might just be able to make something of my life." It's not toxic to want a partner, but it is terrible to feel like I can't change without the motivation of another's love and support. It takes away any power I have over my situation, and leaves me feeling like a pathetic Disney princess waiting for her Prince Charming to rescue her, to take a chance on her. There aren't a lot of people out there who are willing or able to love a broken person, and that is unfortunately who I've become, broken - despite all attempts in between moments of misery to make myself feel whole. I feel especially now that my chances at the partnership I desire are very, very low. I feel that I can no longer pull myself up by my bootstraps, because I no longer have any boots, they disappeared with my baby. I have no choice but to stay right where I am, until someone comes along who has a pair to lend...