Perfectionism, What It Is, and How It Develops

Perfectionism involves putting pressure on ourselves to meet certain high standards, which in turn strongly influence the way we think about ourselves. Researchers have shown that some parts of perfectionism are useful and other parts are useless.

Our psychologists can help you identify and work on the unnecessary parts so that you can get satisfaction from your achievements, have a better life, and be able to distinguish between the healthy and useful pursuit of excellence and the unhealthy and useless efforts for perfection.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is not necessarily about being "perfect." Ask yourself this question: Can I be 100% "perfect"? So, if we are not talking about being "perfect", then what do we mean when we say that someone is a perfectionist?

Researchers in the field may not have agreed on the perfect definition, but in the following, we will use the following definition for perfectionism, which has three key parts:

The tireless struggle to reach extremely high standards for yourself and/or others, standards that are demanding on a personal level. Usually, for someone who looks at it from the outside, the standards are considered unnecessary in certain circumstances.

Personal self-esteem is based largely on your ability to strive and achieve such unrealistic standards.

Awareness and experiencing the negative consequences of setting such demanding standards, but at the same time continuing to meet them despite the huge costs to you.

We agree that it is generally a good idea to have high standards. Having goals helps you achieve things in life. But when these goals are either unattainable or achievable only at a high cost and it is very difficult to feel good about yourself, this is the time when perfectionism can be problematic.

How does perfectionism develop?

Where perfectionism comes from and how it develops are two natural questions. People are complex and there is no sure general cause for perfectionism.

Many people facing this problem have grown up with unrealistic expectations from their parents or close caregivers, or even from them.

Perfectionism is often encouraged in families, communities, or institutions.

Sometimes parents expect their children to be very good at school, and at the same time to perform flawless piano recitals. They knowingly or unknowingly set perfection as the standard.

For other children, perfectionism is self-imposed. Their parents may not have expected them to do things perfectly, but they, as children, set this standard for themselves as a result of the cultural expectations of their communities.

In other words, our opinions about ourselves, about the world, begin to form and develop very early in childhood and are influenced by our experiences at the time, but also by our temperament.

These children had experiences that led them to develop opinions, opinions about the world, which encouraged them to follow unrealistic standards, such as, "I must never be wrong," "I must be very good," or "It's terrible if I don't do things very well."

It is extremely important not to blame ourselves or our loved ones because we have learned to be ashamed of being imperfect, but at the same time, I think it is very helpful to consider some of the first experiences we have had. had in childhood, which influenced this way of thinking, these behaviors.

I would like to mention here what we call direct learning which involves positive rewards and reinforcements, but also the punishments and lack of positive reinforcements and indirect learning or modeling.

Direct learning through reinforcements and rewards refers to situations in which the child is praised for situations when he or she is doing well in a situation, task, or problem. In this context, the child can learn that setting high standards can make you feel good and worth pursuing.

Once praised for his or her accomplishments, the child may develop a belief such as, "My parents are happy when they get high grades," which may later turn into a more general belief: "People appreciate me when I have success". This belief encourages the child to continue to be successful, but over time it can become rigid and can turn into "people only appreciate me if I'm successful.".

Another type of learning that can develop perfectionism is when the child is punished for mistakes. When a child is criticized for making a mistake, he may develop an "I must never make a mistake" belief. Sometimes the child should not be punished, but the absence of praise or rewards is enough, a situation very common in our culture.

There are situations when some people do not remember being punished for the mistakes they made and say that as people grew up they were proud of them no matter how successful they were, in these situations, we say that perfectionism has developed. through indirect learning or modeling. This means that we can learn to behave based on the way we see, perceive the behaviors of the people around us.

In other words, we look at our "models." For example, parents may have worked hard at work, taken up work from home, finished the night, or spent the weekend working hard and spending less time relaxing. In these situations, the child can learn that "work is more important than relaxation". Over time, this belief may become more rigid and turn into "career success is more important than anything else."

Can perfectionism affect me?

There are several negative effects that those who impose and impose high or unrealistic standards face, but in the following, I will only refer to one of the consequences that come as a personal observation, after ten years of working with people who had anxiety problems. I have found over time that the unrealistic standards that underlie perfectionism, combined with low self-esteem, are factors that are found in most anxiety problems.