Normy and Not Another Funeral

My cousin calls me last night and tells me the Fred, the boyfriend of her daughter, died on Sunday from a heroin overdose. My little cousin, her daughter Rachel, is on a trip out of state right now and flying home on a bereavement pass tomorrow morning. Fred was always really sweet and they were talking about getting married. Now she and our family will be attending his funeral and she will be sitting next to his mother in the front row of the chapel instead of standing with him at the front of the church. The flowers will be overwhelming and there will be friends sharing stories of love but there won’t be any happy wedding toasts with sparkling cider. These funerals of overdose victims can’t really be celebrations of life, since the addict didn’t love life more than they loved their drug of choice, right?

As the mother of an addict in recovery, I know relapse is always possible and with every relapse the Grim Reaper waits on the sidelines. We used to believe that after someone was clean and sober for years we wouldn’t have to worry anymore. However a friend who has 23 years clean and sober told us he still gets cravings and thinks about using. When that happens, he goes to meetings even now (all the time) but especially when he gets those feelings. He knows where he can find a meeting any day of the week day or night. He calls his sponsor, we were surprised to find out he still had one. I thought it was like crutches, once you could walk strongly on your own you didn’t need a sponsor anymore. So much to learn when you have a loved one that is an addict or in recovery.

I called my daughter this morning to tell her about her cousin and Fred. I asked her first if she was in a good place. She knows I mean mentally, I’m not asking if she is eating dessert in a good restaurant. I’m asking before I tell her this sad news because I want her to be strong. She tells me she is doing great and I hear her voice and I am happy. She tells me she is going for her weekly drug test today (which is required for her visits with her daughter and our Guardianship. Then after that she is going to lunch with her friend from rehab. I tell her about Fred.

She tells me that the friend she is going to lunch with and herself are heroes at the Alumni meetings from this Rehab. Out of a group of 15 of them that were there at the same time they are the ONLY two that have not relapsed in the last year. Wow! That’s such a low success rate and I happen to know that 1 of those 15 is already dead from an accidental overdose of getting weed laced with fentanyl in San Francisco.

I ask her to text her cousin to show some love and support for her as she grieves. Later in the day she forwards to me the text she sent her cousin, Rachel; “Hey baby girl, it’s Catalina. My mom called me and told me what happened. I’m so sorry. I wish there was some way I could help or some way to lighten this load for you but I know I can’t. I’ve lost a total of 12 people to overdoses in the last 3 years and it makes me hate the addiction so much. But always remember…hate the addiction not the addict, this is just as much a freak accident as anything else. Don’t be mad at him. Us addicts just want not to hurt anymore and sometimes we take it too far and don’t come back from it. I love you so much! Please call me when you can.”