Normy and Not the Truth

December 18th Normy and Not the Truth

It’s Tuesday and I’m trying to figure out my monthly budget and how to pay childcare plus figure out how to buy a few gifts along with all our regular bills. It suddenly comes to me that oh yeah, my daughter, Catalina, has a job now that she is out of the "Rehab Riviera" (the media's term referring to the huge number of private Rehab and Sober Living Houses dotting the coast in Southern California) where her days were spent going to group meetings, occasional massages, and “experimential therapy” which included kick boxing classes, yoga, rock climbing, a paddling out in the Pacific Ocean with a group to have weekly meetings floating in the ocean under the warm sun). Almost anyone could be jealous of days spent that way.

Anyway, back to the zero tolerance budget I’m living with, I text Catalina and ask her, “Hey did you get paid yet from your job?”

She replies after an hour, “No, I haven’t got paid yet.”

I reply immediately, “It’s been over three weeks since you started the job, why haven’t you been paid?”

After another 30 minutes her response is, “I got paid last Friday but I haven’t gone in to pick up my check yet. I don’t work till Wednesday.” I text her to call me but she doesn’t, and I realize I haven’t talked to her for a few days. She has been strange in her communication earlier this week, so I’m starting to wonder what is really going on.

I take a deep breath and text her, “Ok, so you lied to me when you said you hadn’t been paid.” She’s 25 years old now and even these little casual lies are not okay. She had told Max and I when she got hired for this job that she was going to have her paycheck direct deposit into our account so she could help out with her little daughter that we have Guardianship of. That obviously didn’t happen. She never responds to my text that day.

By Thursday, I’ve called in the evening for Fiona, my little granddaughter to talk to her mom and the call goes right to voicemail. We leave a message and Catalina never calls back. Later that night, I send her a text to remind her that I need a weekly drug test and email confirmation per the Court stipulation to be from an unbiased third party testing site if she wants to see her daughter this weekend, “Hello, I haven’t got an email yet from the drug test this week. Please don’t forget I need that weekly.” The next morning I see that she texted me back at 1:20 in the morning, “I won’t forget, I seeing the guy tomorrow at the City Rehab and he will send you the email tomorrow.”

Friday afternoon I text her again, “Hey I haven’t got an email yet from the drug test.”

She responds, “Brittany saw me do the test and she is going to text you.” I let her know that won’t work, I have to have an email with test results, what substances were tested for and where the test was done to forward to the attorney that is appointed by the court.

A text comes through from Catalina’s friend that works at a different Rehab place, "I saw her drug tests and it was negative". I don’t respond because I already let her know that won’t work.

Saturday morning, I text my daughter and ask her if she had the drug test done and will I be getting an email today? I have been up since 5AM with her daughter. I have a lot to get done today so I’d like to bring Fiona over to her to hang out with her mother while I run errands. She says, “I’m getting my hair done today so maybe tomorrow.” Notice she didn’t answer my question. The day goes on and I never do get an email. Max asks me if she got her drug test done so Fiona can see her mom this weekend. I dread letting him know that Catalina is acting flaky, but I tell him the truth that I don’t know if she got a test or not since I haven’t received an email confirmation.

Sunday morning Catalina texts me, “What time are you going to pick me up to hang out with Fiona?”

I sigh and text her back, “I can’t pick you up because I have not received an email yet showing me and for the court that the drug test is all clear.”

Now she fires back, “Why are you being so cruel. I got the test done at Pyramid Rehab and I can’t make them email you if they got busy.”

“I thought you were getting the drug test done at City Rehab?” I respond to her and then there is no response for a few hours from her because I’ve just caught her in another lie. I’ve heard other parents of addicts speaking in support groups say that, ‘Addiction is the liars disease.’ The addict lies to hide their using drugs, they lie to hide the stealing some do to support the addiction, they lie to themselves that they have everything under control. One dad even said in a meeting, “You know how I know my son is lying to me? He is talking, cause everything he says is a lie.” I’m reminded of that dad and his mirthless laugh after he said that this weekend. I ask myself, is lying such a strong habit that even if my daughter isn’t using drugs right now she just lies all the time out of habit? The doubt eats away at me. It makes the trust so hard to give and certainly prevents building trust. I can’t risk losing the Guardianship and having my granddaughter end up in the foster care system because I didn’t follow the court orders.

All I want for the holidays is a peaceful and joyful time spent with our whole family. I want my daughter to be clean and sober, I stop and take deep breaths to calm my anxiety several times a day and every time she acts strange. I doubt myself if I am doing the right thing keeping my daughter from seeing her baby. My daughter has said on several occasions, “I didn’t choose to be an addict.” That is true, but she did choose to use drugs. She may be clean and sober right now but she does choose to lie to me. I’m so tired, just exhausted trying to figure everything out that goes along with addiction, recovery and guardianship on top of the everyday life. The truth is, I didn’t choose to be the mother of an addict.

A therapist taught me to relieve stress take a deep calming breath in and count to five, then hold my breath and count to five, then exhale slowly counting to five again. I practice this every day. I do choose to be the Guardian of my granddaughter and I do choose to be happy and try to give up worry and let go what is way beyond my control. I do choose to sing holiday carols in the car with my little granddaughter and sing especially loud the holiday carol ‘Do You Hear What I Hear’. Hoping for peace for everyone, everywhere, especially if you are dealing with addiction. Peace on Earth and peace of mind for each of us.