My voice in the Mirror

You know when a character has a moral conflict in an animated or comedic movie and the little angel version of themselves appears on one shoulder and a devil appears on the other? It's always been a fun dynamic, visualizing the conflict people have in their heads as they have their inner thoughts displayed to the audience. I wish the mirror was like that. I wish my head was like that actually, letting me actually know what's right and wrong. Every single time I want to think, I find myself drifting to the mirror.

My mirror is special. I don't know where it came from, it just came with the apartment in all honesty. Maybe a wizard or some wacky shit lived here before me and casted a spell on the mirror. Maybe the drugs are drifting from the other tenants' rooms into mine, and I'm just constantly tripping. Who knows? All I know is this: the mirror in my bathroom says my thoughts out loud. I don't know if other people can hear it, but I can. Whether or not I know I'm thinking the thoughts, the mirror spits them out. Whether or not I know what I'm thinking or why I'm thinking it, the mirror says it. I've never tried showing it to anyone else, nor have I tried recording the mirror. It's not something I've ever wanted to investigate, but rather just something I've been interested in and that I've used as a tool.

I chose to walk towards the mirror on this dark night, and when I flicked on the lights in my bathroom, I had to shut my eyes it was so bright. Not my reflection though, he was standing there, arms crossed and a confident grin on his face. The grin was innocent almost, yet also condescending and grim. As soon as I looked into the mirror, it began to speak. It always spoke unprompted, and I learned early on it was never worth debating with it nor talking over it. The more I talked the less I heard.

"Jesus, do I really look like that? I gotta shave. What's the point of shaving? Maybe I grow out a beard. No, I'll look even worse. I wonder if his eyes look the same as mine. His grin does. What's wrong with me? I need a break. I should kill myself. No, I shouldn't do that. I love myself. I hate myself. Maybe somewhere in between. I wonder if I can eat out tomorrow. I wonder if I could convince my mom to ever go to that restaurant with me. She'll never answer though. She just never does. She hates me. I hate her. I don't hate her, I love her. I wish she would get dinner with me at least. I miss her. I miss a lot of people. Man, I remember back when I was a kid, there were lots of people there. I miss the people, but I don't remember any names. Huh. Maybe if I had money I'd money people would come back. I should steal some money. I should rob a store. The clerk at the store looked at me funny today. I should fucking shoot her. I should shoot everyone in the building and then myself."

To this, I had to interrupt myself. What would you do? We all think like this at some point don't we? I still don't want to hear it though.

"Shut up! We can find a good buyer, the paintings will take off! Mom will invite me out to lunch again, we just need time and money!"

The mirror never stopped though. I never stopped thinking. Sentience really is a curse huh? If only there was a pause button for the brain.

"You know she won't. She lost dad because of you. She lost the ability to retire because of you. She lost so much because you chose to follow something foolish. How about we just kill everyone in a bank? That'll show her what happens to people stuck up on riches!"

"No! I don't want that! I want to just have people buy my art, I want to just be able to get food and pay rent, I want to just-"

"-be loved. I just want to be loved. You know you just want to be loved. But where has that gotten you? Who am I kidding? I can't lie to myself can I? I just want to have success in my endeavor so everyone knows they were wrong and I get both love and money back in my life. Man, I need some water, my throats raspy from yelling at this mirror. What if I just started looking for a different market?"

At this point, I paused, as the idea came into my mind. The mirror did not pause however.

"If we just look for the right people can't we just sell to the correct demographic. My god, I'm a fucking idiot, how did I not see it? I'm living in fucking New York, just because the schools told me this was a place for business doesn't mean it's the place for me. What if I moved to a rural area and sold my art? No, if it's too rural people will just make their own. Maybe like somewhere between a suburb and a rural area? Yeah! I could do that couldn't I? I won't have the mirror though. I won't know what I'm thinking. Yes I will. It's my own head, I've always been able to choose what I think."

With that, the mirror stopped talking. I looked up at the mirror. The reflection was my own, the lips identical to mine and the movement and pose the same as my own. The mirror wasn't showing a more confident version of me, and yet it was still showing an optimistic and confident version of myself. I quickly forgot about the mirror. I had a plan now, and I was ready to try again. Optimism and lies never worked for me, the mirror showed me that. No, the mirror went out of it's way to tell me that, to tell me that it wasn't all going to be ok if I just kept my chin up. The mirror told me something good though, and in the end, I knew that if my errors had brought me here, this was were I was supposed to be. I had to keep trying, but more importantly, I had to pack my stuff and head to a new place. My present was depressing, but my future would be better. The mirror can't tell me otherwise, and maybe I don't want it to. Whether or not I believe it, I think the future will be better.