My Fight With Depression and Anxiety

It is hard to relent on pretending to be strong. Not wanting to be the weak link in the chain. Seeing others as both stronger than myself and also in the same desperate straits. Seeing both as possibilities I am ashamed to speak of my own weakness and unable to ask for help, always assuming the answers would seem hollow. Wanting so much not be hurtful in any way. I don't want my mask to fall off. I want to be the upbeat fellow that shields others from the storm that is life. I don't want to break. Or at least not be seen breaking. Life is good. Life is grand. Our fellowships with those we love and care for continually fortify the want to live life. To beat the struggles of day to day life. To shout down the evils that do occupy this world.

I have both fought against the perceived evils and ignored them. Callously thought that if you don't pay attention to them, they'll lose power and go away. Thought both my actions and inactions cause nothing but hurt and heartache to those I hold dearest. I want to be the hero in the story so bad. The fairytale hero. The one where the story is already written. The ending is the beginning I want. The struggles behind me and everything that is good and right in the world to be constantly accessible. The grand feasts and banquets. The telling and retelling of story where we triumphed over the great evil or plight. The happiness in every ones faces that we get to be content and good people.

These are not bad things to want. However; if we dwell on expectations, the reality we live in can never live up to it. We'll forever be in a darkened world. The joys and happiness we should perceive will be hidden in the shadows cast from our want and drown out the beauty of our needs.

I know...for I have lived in this darkened world for a long time. I only stand here now on the strength and luminous wonder of my dear friends and family. They may never have known my struggle, for I keep almost the entirety of it secret. I consider them guiding spirits through the valley of woe. Holders of my essence that once was happy. The are the most glorious of preservatives. Making my existence a possibility.

I once was so lost, I wanted to have no interaction with kids. I was scared that what I had seen on deployment in Iraq would come out and scar them. Make me seen as a monster. To have to hide deeper in the shadows that I already dwelled in. I don't think I could have survived that. But as luck would have it, one day I went over to a friends house. They had three kids and I would show up after their bed time to be social and talk of old times without having to interact with them.

I showed up early that night, right at bedtime. I entered the front door and saw my female friend of the two ( for I was friends with both before they were a couple) at the bedroom door to the 2 girls' room. She was trying to coax the youngest to go to bed. She was 2 at the time and very inquisitive. She would ask her older sister questions all night if she had her way.

As I entered the house she asked "Who's that?" to her mom. "It's Paul. Her mom said. "....I wanna see Pau!" is what the little one retorted. So I sauntered over to tell her to listen to her mother and go to bed. As soon I reached to door I felt a weight lifted off me. I only can address it as that for it was such a foreign feeling I couldn't tell you specifics. Like coming out of a possession is the best way I can describe it. I asked the little one "Are you being good?" "Yeah." she responded. "Ok, well you need to get some sleep and listen to your mother. Ok?" she came to a quick agreement "OK" she sighed.

This doesn't seem like much, but for where I was at, this was a door to better dimension. In future visits she went on to proclaim that I was her best friend, that I was invited to her wedding and that I was to be invited to all her birthday parties. This was the story book ending I wanted to begin my life at. This was my new vow of service. Not to a country, a government or religious belief; but to make sure that this princess would be as happy as I could make her. Not through gifts or deeds. Just by being.

She has brightened my world beyond measure. She is another star in the constellation I use to travel down life. We must always be on the look out for such wonders in the world so as not to stumble. A focal point to remember. The hero of saga.

She is my hero and savior of this chapter of my life. May we all be that hero and savior and find them when we need them as well. Let yourself know it's ok to be weak sometimes. As long as you stay with us. That is strength. That is what keeps us going. Let us stay with other . One and all.