My Experience on Silencing Autism
Teaching Tuesdays 12-30-2025
I wanted to do an educational article on something that has recently come up in my attention.
I was having lunch with some of my peers - and one of the ladies spoke briefly about someone she provides care for: "You know, so-and-so still is so loud and needs to learn to not make everyone miserable just because she is miserable." The so-and-so is an autistic individual and I wanted to say something then, but bit my tongue.
I am an autistic individual who has been taught to stay in my place, bite my tongue, and don't upset the status quo. Has that really helped me? Sure - in some ways, all of those things are good!
But, it has also done some intense damage:
- I don't want to bother the cops when someone is scaring me.
- I don't want to inconvenience doctors with my pain.
- I don't like being called "argumentative" by county workers when I am simply trying to understand a concept.
- I don't want to be in trouble...
- I don't want to hurt other people... even unintentionally...
- I don't want to be loud or seen... I really just want to be able to relax into a peaceful life where I can be happy.
However, those traits also made me the perfect victim. I would stay silent, I would do my best to people-please (or fawn), and I wouldn't share my needs.
The greatest impact in the last few months that I have had? Was when I got loud. Really loud. I had an embarrassing meltdown in the ER because of the intensity of the trauma that I continue having to endure from my children's father.
I got people's attention. Was it enough? Nope... because my children's father is still breaking several aspects of our court order and I still have no way to enforce it - yet.
However, I had to be loud to get my point across.
The autistic individual doesn't need to learn to be quiet. I learned how to be quiet - and it was used to harm me. The person in question needs to learn how to channel the rage within the meltdown.
I remember very clearly as I was having my meltdown, I was so happy that my voice didn't flee. Sure, everyone knew how distraught I was because my voice was all of the way on... but is that really something to be ashamed of?
Why should I have to silence the intensity of my emotions for professionals who are supposed to be able to help me? Is it ever helpful to tell someone that they are over-reacting?
Anyway, the doctor at one point told me that I had to calm down and that I was being irrational. I got quieter when I said I am calm. She argued it and I let it go - because what I had meant was "this is my calm right now." But, I focused in on the other part of her sentence. "I am being logical and rational." She did agree with me there - which is good because I could always throw my logic out the window and laugh manically knowing how bad my bad side can be.
I get brushed off as not being upset enough - and brushed off for being too upset. There is no winning as an autistic individual - or really, as any individual. What you experience may not be able to be understood by another person.
However, sitting around in silence doesn't do me any favors. Being "nice" to the people around me - at the expense of my health and wellbeing - is not ok.
In some ways, I will always be grateful for my brain's ability to go inward to protect myself. But, I also now know that going inward is not a helpful skill to get my needs met.
Now I am having the learn the very opposite: that the squeaky wheel gets the oil.
It makes me highly uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a "problem," like a "bitch," like a "drama-queen," etc. - all things that those who were supposed to help me be the best me that I could be have used to describe me before I got my autism diagnosis.
If I am uncomfortable, it is up to me to speak up. Again and again and again. It is exhausting - physically, mentally, and emotionally - for me to keep doing things that I was taught very well not to do.
So, if you have an autistic person in your life... take it from my experience (both from raising 2 autistic kiddos and from being autistic): Teach them to focus that energy instead of trying to silence it. The more you tell them to shrink, the more that energy will be used to tear themselves apart. Help us know what to do with our focus, our energy, our feelings, and our passions so that we don't end up destroying our health - just to make you more comfortable.
That's all I had for today. I'd love to hear your thoughts and/or questions. Thank you for reading!
About the Creator
The Schizophrenic Mom
I am a mother of 2 precious angels who drive me slightly more crazy
than I already am with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.
When asked "are you crazy?!" my favorite come back is:
"yes! And I have the papers to prove it! How about you?" LOL
Keep reading
More stories from The Schizophrenic Mom and writers in Psyche and other communities.
Questions and Answers from an Interview
1. When did the realization of your desire to become a writer first dawn on you? I realized that I wanted to become a writer around second grade. I wanted to have the power to make a movie come alive in other people's imagination like I enjoyed from reading books. It was reinforced steadily by my mom who always encouraged me to improve and who always eagerly read whatever I offered to share.
By The Schizophrenic MomExclusive • 9 months ago
When You Don’t Feel Sad, Just Empty
People kept asking if I was depressed. "No," I'd say. "I'm fine." And I meant it. I wasn't sad. I wasn't in pain. I wasn't anything. I was just... empty. A shell going through motions, waiting to feel something—anything—again. I'm sitting at my daughter's birthday party, watching her blow out the candles. She's radiant, laughing, surrounded by friends. This is a moment I should treasure. A moment that should fill me with joy, with love, with that warm parental pride that makes your chest ache in the best way. I feel nothing. Not sadness about feeling nothing. Not anxiety about my numbness. Just a vast, echoing emptiness where emotions used to be. I'm present in body, absent in every way that matters. I smile at the right times, say the right things, take the pictures. But I'm not really here. My daughter looks at me, her eyes bright with happiness, and says, "Mom, isn't this the best day ever?" "It's wonderful, sweetie," I say, and the words feel like they're coming from someone else. Some automated version of me that knows the script but has forgotten how to mean it. Later, driving home, my husband asks if I'm okay. I almost laugh at the question. Okay? I don't even know what I am. I'm functional, going through every motion of life, completing every task. But I'm not okay. I'm not anything. I'm just empty. The Absence of Everything Depression, I'd always understood, was sadness. Heavy, crushing sadness. The kind that makes you cry, that weighs on your chest, that feels like drowning. This wasn't that. This was absence. A void where feelings used to be. Not darkness, but grayness. Not pain, but numbness. Not drowning, but floating in some liminal space between living and existing. I went to work every day. I had conversations. I laughed at jokes—or at least, I made the laughing sound. I cooked dinner, helped with homework, maintained my house, paid my bills. From the outside, I looked completely functional. But inside, I'd disappeared. The person who used to feel joy, sadness, anger, love, excitement—she was gone. In her place was this hollow thing, performing life without experiencing it. Music that used to move me sounded like organized noise. Food lost all flavor—I ate because I was supposed to, not because I wanted to. Sunsets that once took my breath away barely registered. Touch felt distant, like someone was touching a body I was only vaguely connected to. I wasn't actively suicidal. I didn't want to die. But I also didn't particularly want to be alive. I just... was. Existing without purpose, moving without direction, breathing without really living. The Confusion of Emptiness The worst part was not understanding what was wrong with me. If I were sad, I could name it. If I were anxious, I could identify it. But this? This had no name, no clear symptoms, no obvious cause. "Are you depressed?" my doctor asked during a routine checkup. "I don't think so," I said. "I'm not sad. I'm not crying. I'm managing everything fine." She looked at me for a long moment. "Depression doesn't always look like sadness. Sometimes it looks like emptiness. Like nothing matters. Like you're going through life on autopilot." I stared at her. That was exactly what it felt like. But I'd always thought depression meant being overwhelmed with emotion, not the complete absence of it. "What you're describing sounds like anhedonia," she continued. "The inability to feel pleasure or joy. It's a core symptom of depression, even when you're not actively sad." Anhedonia. A clinical word for the void I'd been living in. For the flatness, the grayness, the nothing. The Origins of the Void In therapy, we started excavating how I'd arrived at this empty place. It hadn't been one thing. It had been accumulation—years of stress, of pushing through, of functioning through crisis after crisis without ever really processing what I was experiencing. My mother's death two years earlier. A job I hated but couldn't leave. A marriage that had become more roommate arrangement than partnership. Financial stress. Parenting challenges. The constant low-grade anxiety of modern life. I'd handled it all. I'd been so strong. Everyone said so. I'd managed every crisis, solved every problem, supported everyone who needed me. But I'd done it by essentially turning off my emotional system. Feelings were inefficient. They slowed me down. They made things harder. So I'd learned to power through them, to override them, to function despite them. Eventually, I'd functioned so well without feelings that my brain apparently decided I didn't need them anymore. The shutdown that started as a temporary coping mechanism became permanent. The dimmer switch I'd turned down to survive got stuck at zero. "You burned out emotionally," my therapist explained. "You asked your system to handle more than it could process, so it went numb to protect you. But now you're stuck there." Living in the Gray Emptiness is different from sadness in ways that are hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it. Sadness has texture. It hurts, yes, but at least you're feeling something. There's a realness to it, a connection to your own humanity. Emptiness has no texture. It's smooth, featureless, vast. You're not in pain, but you're also not okay. You're not suffering in any way you can articulate, but you're not living either. People would try to cheer me up, not understanding that I wasn't down—I was nowhere. They'd suggest activities I used to enjoy. "Remember how much you loved hiking? Maybe you should get outside more." I'd go hiking. I'd see the beautiful views, feel the sun, hear the birds. And feel absolutely nothing. Not disappointment that I wasn't enjoying it. Just... nothing. Like watching scenery through a window, knowing intellectually it's beautiful but unable to access any emotional response to it. My relationships suffered in quiet ways. My husband would share good news and I'd respond appropriately—"That's great, honey"—but there was no joy behind it. My friends would tell me about their problems and I'd offer advice, but I couldn't access the empathy I used to feel. I was doing all the right things, saying all the right words, but I wasn't really there. The Isolation of Nothingness Emptiness is profoundly lonely, partly because it's invisible and partly because it's hard to ask for help when you can't even explain what's wrong. How do you tell someone, "I need support," when you don't feel distressed? How do you ask for understanding when you're functioning perfectly well? How do you explain that you're suffering when you're not actually in pain? I tried once, to tell my best friend what I was experiencing. "I just feel empty," I said. "Like nothing matters. Like I'm not really here." She looked concerned but confused. "That sounds hard. But you seem fine? You're working, you're taking care of your family. Are you sure you're not just tired?" Maybe I was just tired. Maybe this was normal and I was overreacting. Maybe everyone felt this way and I was just weak for struggling with it. But deep down, I knew this wasn't normal. I remembered feeling things—joy, sadness, excitement, connection. I remembered being alive in my own life. And now I was just existing in it, a ghost in my own body. The loneliness of emptiness is that you're surrounded by life—your life, technically—but you can't touch it. You're on the other side of glass, watching everything happen but unable to participate in any meaningful way. The Moment of Recognition The turning point came six months into the emptiness, during a moment that should have devastated me. My daughter fell off her bike and broke her arm. She was crying, in pain, scared. My husband was panicking. We rushed to the emergency room. And I felt... nothing. No fear, no worry, no maternal instinct kicking in. I did everything I was supposed to do—comforted her, handled the logistics, stayed calm. But internally, there was just that same flat grayness. Sitting in the ER waiting room, watching my child suffer, unable to feel anything about it—that's when I knew this had gone too far. This wasn't coping anymore. This was being dead inside while still technically alive. I called my therapist from the hospital parking lot. "I think something's really wrong," I said. "My daughter broke her arm and I felt nothing. Not scared, not worried, nothing. What's wrong with me?" "You're not broken," she said gently. "You're depleted. Your emotional system has shut down to protect you from overwhelm. But we can bring it back online. It's not gone—it's just... sleeping." The Long Thaw Healing from emptiness is different from healing from sadness. You can't think your way out of it or talk your way through it. You have to slowly, carefully, wake up your emotional system—like coaxing circulation back into a limb that's fallen asleep. My therapist started me on an antidepressant, despite my protests that I wasn't sad. "Anhedonia is a symptom of depression," she explained. "The medication can help restore your brain's ability to experience pleasure and connection." We also worked on creating space for emotions to return. I'd been so focused on functioning that I'd never given myself permission to not be okay. We practiced sitting with feelings when they appeared—even tiny ones. A moment of annoyance. A flicker of interest. A brief sense of peace. At first, nothing. Then, slowly, pinpricks of sensation started breaking through the numbness. I'd be driving and suddenly notice the music. Really notice it, not just hear it. For thirty seconds, I'd feel something approximating enjoyment before the grayness returned. I'd see my daughter laugh and feel a tiny spark of warmth. Just a spark, gone almost immediately, but something. These moments were so small, so fleeting, that I almost didn't recognize them as progress. But my therapist celebrated each one. "That's your emotional system waking up. Little by little, it's coming back." The Return of Feeling The first time I genuinely cried—not just tears, but real, emotional crying—was four months into treatment. I was watching a movie, some forgettable drama, and a scene showed a parent reuniting with their child. And suddenly, unexpectedly, I was sobbing. Deep, wrenching sobs that came from somewhere I'd forgotten existed. My husband looked alarmed. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong," I said, crying and laughing at the same time. "I'm feeling something. I'm actually feeling something." It sounds absurd, but that moment of sadness—actual, genuine sadness about a fictional character—felt like a gift. Because it meant I wasn't empty anymore. The void was starting to fill. After that, feelings returned gradually, unpredictably. Joy at my morning coffee. Irritation at traffic. Affection when my husband held my hand. Gratitude for a kind gesture. Fear during a tense moment at work. They were small, these feelings. Not the overwhelming emotions I'd shut down years ago, but manageable ones. Real ones. Evidence that I was inhabiting my life again instead of just observing it. The Ongoing Journey A year later, I'm not completely "healed." I still have stretches of flatness, days when the grayness returns and everything feels muted. But they're the exception now, not my constant state. I've learned that emptiness was my mind's way of protecting me from more pain than I could handle. But in protecting me from pain, it also shut me off from joy, from love, from connection, from life itself. The work now is staying present with whatever I feel—even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's painful. Because the alternative to feeling is that terrible emptiness. And I never want to go back there. I've learned to recognize the warning signs—when I start going through motions without presence, when colors start to seem less vivid, when I catch myself smiling without meaning it. That's when I know I need to pause, to check in, to make sure I'm not sliding back into the void. The Truth About Emptiness If you're reading this and recognizing yourself—if you're not sad but you're not okay, if you're functioning but not living, if you're going through motions but not feeling anything—I want you to know: this is depression too. Even though it doesn't look like what you thought depression would look like. Emptiness is as valid a form of suffering as sadness. Just because you're not crying doesn't mean you're not hurting. Just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. You're not weak for feeling nothing. You're not broken for going numb. Your system did what it had to do to survive. But you don't have to stay there. Feelings can return. The void can fill. The grayness can give way to color again. It takes time, it takes help, it takes patience. But it's possible. You're not gone. You're just sleeping. And with the right support, you can wake up. Emptiness isn't the absence of depression—it's depression disguised as functioning. When your emotional system shuts down to protect you from overwhelm, you don't collapse dramatically. You just... fade. You perform life without experiencing it, exist without living, function without feeling. But numbness isn't your natural state. It's your nervous system's emergency shutdown, and it was never meant to be permanent. The feelings you think are gone aren't dead—they're dormant, waiting for you to create enough safety to let them return. You're not a broken person. You're an exhausted one. And exhaustion, with time and care, can heal.
By Ameer Moavia6 days ago in Psyche
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.