Mental Health

I am an addict wrapped in a co-dependent. I have an attachment style that is somewhere between anxious and fearful. I overthink, I under eat and I can cry on demand. Not my demand, of course, but when something feels demanding and I can not do anything but cry. I lie in bed at night trying to make myself sleep and I wake up trying to make myself sleep. I am my own worst enemy, most judgmental critic, and but can still look myself in the mirror and say "It's all going to be okay, we will get through this. You are not alone". I care what people say and think, even though they really don't know the person I am, and my feelings are often hurt far easier than necessary. I am a dysfunctional super hero with the need to help and save everyone in my life except my own.

I am rock bottom trying to fill a bottomless pit. I have days where I am so anxious the sun hurts my eyes so I lie in bed until I absolutely have to get up. Usually to pee, but that is when I get the chance to take a good look at the woman I am in the mirror and repeat that mantra from the paragraph before. I have had panic attacks that I thought were actual heart attacks which wasted too many hours in a eerily lit room instead of enjoying the sunshine outside. I ask for no pity, I ask for no help. I am not ashamed of who I am, I have wasted far too much of my life on that to waste any more. Instead, when I find myself in those moments of anxiety, turmoil and dread, I stop what I am doing no matter where I am. I lie down. I place my hand below my breasts and I breathe. I feel the air fill up my lungs, feel my heart beat slowing, exhale and realize; I have a heck of a lot of good in me, around me and I am alive.

I am a hippie wrapped in a warriors spirit. I fight hard for what I want and what I believe in and giving up is never an option. This world is too great, too big and too wild to leave it before my time. I have too much to experience, so much traveling to do and so much of myself to offer to any unsuspecting soul that gets wrapped into talking to me about trails, vanlife, adventures, mountains, coffee, food (all food), and shoes. Running shoes to be exact. I run like I'm chasing my dreams with the devil closing in. You see, if I let the devil beat me, he will drown my dreams and awaken my fears. Luckily, no one can chase my dreams faster than I can; it's never too late unless you give up and I haven't given up yet, nor do I ever plan to. Therefore, I run to eat, I run to relieve stress, I run to stay in shape, I run to earn each speck of dirt on my shoes, and, most importantly, I run because I can. You never know how lucky you are until you meet someone that can not do what they love. So beat whatever devil you need to.

I am a badass wrapped in an overthinkers body. I love harder than most, so naturally I hurt harder than most. I will give you the shirt off my back and my very last dime. I will listen to you until you lose your voice to help you find your light and if there is no light to find at that time, I will sit in the dark with you. I can weave a tale that will give you chills and I can sing at the top of my lungs and actually sound good. I'm not bad to look at, but looks aren't everything. I am pretty damn funny when I'm around the right crowd and as quiet as a mouse when I am around the wrong ones. I'm faithful to the core but don't believe I am worth the same faithful heart. I still get up every day, fight what I feel is worth fighting for, and try to find a small happiness in whatever I do.

I am a version of me wrapped in a version of you. Does any of this sound familiar. Do you feel as if part of this story is your story? Have you found it difficult to find the good in yourself and everyone around you? You are not alone. You are not the only one suffering. While your world revolves around you, the rest of the world does not. Who cares what they say, who cares what they think? Instead we need to spend our energy on what makes us unapologetically who we are? You are something wonderful. Parts of you are magnificent, unique, wildly crazy and absolutely perfect.

I want to wake up every morning before the sun does. I want to greet each new day with a smile. I want to live the best life that I can and meet as many people as I can. To make a difference just because I exist. I think that everyone should aim for higher expectations than what is asked of us.

Hello all. I am new here. Care to hear a story?