Me, We and I

'We' are looking at 'me' through 'I's' point of view.

There really is a lot that 'me' went through.

'Me' may not have known it at the time,

But she was abused and she lost her rhyme.

She did all she could to make things right.

She didn't hide, but stayed out of the light.

'Me' is still sad even when 'I' is high.

But seldom do 'we' have time to cry.

'I' is too busy trying to make things right.

But 'I' always does feel 'me' trying to fight.

'Me' still wants to cry and have time to herself.

But 'I' is too busy making room on the shelf.

'I' knows that of energy there is not room enough,

To carry 'me's' baggage... and all of that stuff.

So she must let it go to lighten the weight.

To keep 'we's' mind in a healthy state.

'We' knows that it's time to be happy and strong.

So 'me' and 'I' must work together.. to keep 'we' around for a time that is long.

I wrote this poem on 4/26/2017, nearly six months after my mother passed away. I had taken care of my mother off and on since the onset of her illness in 2008. My youngest child at the time was eight months old. I was working part to full time as a nurse in a long term care facility and it seemed that life just kept declining. Taking care of my mother on top of my three children and working as a nurse was very demanding and ultimately led to the overdue divorce that I went through in 2010. Two years later in June of 2012, as I was still taking care of my mom (off and on between nursing home stays), my ex-husband died unexpectedly in a head on collision leaving our children fatherless. Although I did mourn for him myself, I also mourned for him three times harder for my children. I knew how it felt to lose a father at a young age. I fell into an even deeper depression than I was already in, but I did manage to take my children to one counseling session about death. They were so young it seemed... 11, 7, and 4. But I dropped them off and then picked them up and that was that. We hardly spoke of their father.. as that was all that I didn't how know to do.

I wrote 'Me, We and I' at a time when I felt I was dealing with multiple personality disorder. 'Me' was whom I consider to be my inner child... the 'real me'. She is the one who suffered the most it seems. She grew up feeling very lonely with very few friends. She 'fell in love' at 17 with a wise young man who knew exactly how to take advantage of her. And she suffered great depression while working as a nurse to support her children while trying to care for her mother. 'I' was considered to be the person that 'me' was becoming. She was very opinionated and selfish. She had very negative feelings towards her family and towards her career. She was tired of being the caregiver... the person that 'me' has always been and only knew how to be. I believe that my negative poetry and suicidal thoughts always stemmed from 'I'. But eventually I feel that 'me' and 'I' did merge as 'we' and no longer do I have suicidal thoughts, and my poetry has become more positive!

At one point while taking care of my mother I knew I needed help. I needed to see a doctor. I have always been picky about doctors and at the time my choices were limited as I was covered only by state insurance. The doctor I ended up choosing would not see me until I went to the ER (the doctor was obligated to have me be seen in the ER first due to me having complaints of chest pains at the time - and being a nurse I understood that). Even though I knew my chest pains were from anxiety, one night I decided to go to the ER. I got dressed for work and let my family think I was going to work. Then I called off sick... and off I went to the hospital. I ended up with an IV pumping Ativan into my bloodstream and had the best 6 hours of sleep I had had in a long, long time. Then I started seeing my new doctor who helped my in a very important way. I don't think he ever realized how much he really helped me. He wanted me to see a psychiatrist and have counseling, but that was too time consuming for me and too difficult as I was working night shift and could barley keep up as it was. So he had me sign a contract (that I have kept to this day), a contract making me agree that I would NOT committ suicide and I would call the hotline with any suicidal thoughts. I reluctantly signed it and when I sign a contract, well... I'm giving my word. There were a few times I wanted to rip that paper up into tiny pieces and let them blow away in the wind, but I never did. My children had already lost their father, they have no grandparents, so if I died.. they would have nobody. I made a decision then that suicide was not the answer. My children needed to be raised, even if it was by their single depressed mother who slept all the time.

Nobody understands but me, just what goes on in my head.

If I had not signed that contract I just may have, by now, been dead.

Everything I've ever done, I did the best I could.

The good Lord up above sure knows.. if I could go back in time I would.

Nursing is draining my body, it has already drained my soul.

I didn't do it for the money until now, so I guess I need to make a new goal.

Back to school I need to go, to start a new career.

It may take some time to finish, but I musn't fret nor fear.

I must push myself to my own success, to get out of the nursing home is my goal.

That's the only way that I will ever be financially stable while still caring for my soul.

Dear 'Me',

'We' are proud of you for overcoming all of lifes hardships that have been thrown your way pretty early in life. You have always been an ethical hard worker who has always put your family first. You have done an amazing job with your children! Just always remember that even when they are grown adults they will still need you. Never rip up that contract and always stay positive and be true to who you are!

With love, 'We'

Dear 'I',

Please continue to be patient with 'me'.. she has come a long way. She has learned a lot from your strong opinions and the two of you work well together. When 'me' is feeling down you need to continue to be there for her to help keep her going.. and don't ever let her rip up that contract. Her mind and memory are a little foggy yet so when it comes to going back to college you may have to take over for a while! And always be even stronger when she is weak.

With love, 'We'

Dear 'We',

We're on a journey to recovery, it never is too late.

We're ready to feel happy and we're ready to feel great.

About ourself, about our job and about our family.

We are slowly getting over our past and hope to soon be able to clearly see.

Just what it is we're doing and focus on that task.

Without letting our confusion override.. without thinking of our past.

Our past will always be a part of us, tucked safely in our heart.

But our present, past and furture right now.. MUST be kept apart.

We are thankful for each one of them.. our past, our present, our future.

But what we need to focus on now is the present, and that is what we must nurture.

Fore the past is the past.. behind us, it's gone.

And the future isn't promised, though we look forward to every new dawn.

That we are blessed to witness, that we are blessed to see.

Which brings us to the present, and the privelege it is... just to be me.

With love, Melissa Gracia