Makings of a junkey

Being in my second inpatient treatment this year is somewhat hard for me to accept. I was doing quite well in the first one and I actually loved it. I had a great relationship with the counselors and the other clients. I was too happy thou. Let me give you a little bit about my past first so you might understand how and why I did what I did to get myself cuffed out and put in jail before I came to this treatment facility.

I was married to a wonderful man from 2001 to 2013. During those years I was in active addiction to meth amphetamines. I have two sons that were just starting elementary school at the time and I worked as a cook and a server at the local family dining restaurant. I loved meth. I gave me the energy to do everything I thought I needed to get done. We lived on the working family farm at the time so there was always chores to be done. My husband at the time was a junker. If it could be scrapped he scrapped it. If it could be cleaned and sold, he did that as well. There were several things we came across in the trash while junking that we could use or just wanted because we thought it was neat. I learned all about the different types of metals and their scrap values. I learned that people throw away some amazing items that can be used by many people. I had be taught early in life the value of hard work but my husband at the time showed me even more the importance of it as well as the payoff. He was one of those people that if he woke up and didn't have his cigarettes for the day he would go pick up pop cans or an appliance that someone was throwing away and take it to the scrap yard and make sure his and my needs were taken care of. He taught me a lot as well as gained a lot of respect from me and my two sons. Two sons, mind you, that he raised as his own and still to this day claim as his boys.

Fast forward 20 years and a divorce due to my addiction and actions during my addiction.

Fresh out of prison for the fourth time, I'm told to go to a women and childrens faith based homeless shelter here in Cleveland, Ohio. About a week or two there I make friends with an ex-prostitute/crack head. She is fresh out of county jail and is bound and determined to change her life around. Me being me, I find that amazing and want to help any way I can. We become close and do many activities together. Fourth of July comes around and she is planning a cookout at her home where her son and boyfriend lives. I offer to make a brisket and some ribs. She accepts with excitement and we start planning the menu from there. The day arrives to leave the homeless shelter for the day and have this grand cookout that we have planned. After trying for several hours to contact her boyfriend to come pick us up she finally gets a hold of her son and he comes to get us. I fall flat on my face when I see him. He is absolutely gorgeous and a flirt at the same time. We flirt back and forth all day and it ends up just us two for this big cookout. He is in his mid 20's and I am in my 40's and feeling quite ecstatic about this young hot guy flirting with me. He informs me during our conversation that he dropped and broke his phone while working on a roof at a jobsite. I jump at the chance to buy him a new phone since I can get a good deal on one when I go get mine. He accepts. We continue to talk every evening on his mothers phone up until the day my SSDI check arrives. I call him and he is available to come get me so we can go get these phones. Noticing he is high on some sort of substance my stomach starts to bubble. After getting the phones I suggest going to the next town over to pick up some meth. He says he has never done that but has no problem driving there to get it. I call an ex boyfriend of mine and ask him if he can hook me up. He has no problem finding what I am asking for and tells me to come on. Upon arrival I get out of the car and very enthusiastically say, "look what I have", pertaining to the young man. We go inside, get the package and begin to smoke some of the meth. This whole time I am thinking that this young man and I are an item. Later that day and $60 in dope later we go pick up one of his friends who happens to shot heroin. I do not partake in that drug nor does he but I do ask for a needle to shot some of the meth that I have left. That right there was the beginning of the end for me. Any drug is a bad enough addiction. You add needles to the equation and its down hill fast from there.

Its now 9:30 and I was supposed to be back at the shelter by 7:00. I sit in the parking lot trying to convince the young man to just let me stay with him until I get my next check then we could get a place together. Very nicely he told me that he was not interested and I needed to get out of the car.

When I finally get the nerve to go inside they inform me that I must take a urine screen. Knowing I am going to fail I immediately go into the chapel to beg for God's mercy. When the monitor comes in to talk to me I tell her everything but do not take responsibility for my actions. Its all the girl and her sons fault. I was just following suit. Needless to say the next morning I was asked to leave.

Knowing I was going to be in trouble with my parole officer and having nowhere to go, I get the brilliant idea to scroll craigslist to look for anything possible. I come across an ad for free room and board for housekeeping chores. I call. The guy I spoke to was eager to send a cab to come get me and bring me to his house. I tell him very aggressively in no certain terms was I going to sleep with him and if he came on to me I was going to kill him. He then told me the job was nothing like that and I would be safe. I am a wreck at this point. Sobbing uncontrollably and somewhat scared of what I am fixing to walk in to.

The cab shows up and I get in leaving all of my clothing and personal hygiene items behind. The cab ride seemed like forever. The city went to country and that seemed to ease my nerves somewhat. We pulled up to this somewhat broken down very large ranch style house with a potbelly middle aged man standing in the yard. He paid the cab and introduced himself to me and told me to wipe my tears and that everything was going to be alright. He asked if I wanted to sit outside for a bit and gain my composure. I said yes then accepted the joint he was smoking. We sat out there for about an hour then he asked if I wanted to see the house. I told him yes and we went inside. The first thing I saw was the kitchen. It was a complete disaster but the most beautiful kitchen I had ever seen. I thought to myself , "I cant wait to bring this back to life." Then I met his mother. A bed ridden elderly lady who seemed sweet. Next it was his living quarters. Gross!! Dog hair, dust, dirty dishes, and dirt everywhere. I did not want anything to do with that area but I also knew I needed a place to stay so...

We went over some terms and they seemed reasonable. I asked him to show me where I would be sleeping and he said with him. I told him under no uncertain terms would I sleep with him and that I would sleep on the couch. He agreed. He told me that I did not have to start right away especially in the shape I was in and to just relax for the day. We listened to music and smoked several more joints that day. That evening I was getting tired and ended up falling asleep on the couch.

Upon waking up the next morning I got a call from one of the other women in the shelter informing me that they were putting all my belongings in the dumpster bin and if I wanted them I better get there before trash pickup. I told the guy that and he told me not to worry he would take care of it. I am a big worrier and so I worried. I decided to start on the cleaning of the house since it was in dire need of help. I started in the kitchen. Not more than 10 minutes in to it he came and informed me that he needed cigarettes rolled and it was my job. I did not like it but if I wanted to smoke to I better get busy. I had one hell of a time with the cigarette rolling machine. After much cussing and fighting I got enough rolled for the day.

His mother asked me if I would tend to the her bathroom across from her hospital bed. Wanting to please the lady of the house I quickly went to start the task. Walking in that bathroom was like walking into the city dump. It was disgusting. I could not believe that her son let it get that bad. I did my best to take care of the situation but some things even bleach wont scrub off. Fortunately she was very pleased with the job and that began a good relationship with the mother. I told her that before I fixed lunch I wanted to get the kitchen in somewhat order and asked her if she minded if I rearranged some of the cabinets. Luckily she was fine with it. I started on the dishes and whipping down the cabinets and getting some of the odds and ends put away. Feeling pretty good about my progress I went on ahead and started lunch. They were very pleased with my cooking and stated that they thought the situation was going to work out just fine.

Later that day the guy took me out back and showed me the camping site that was on their property. Being a country living girl I fell in love with it. This whole time I have been in this guys presence he was drinking beer. I never thought to much about it until he fell over his own feet on the way back to the house.

As the day progressed so did his drunkenness. His state disgusted me more than the state of the house. He stunk and began to slur his words and was falling all over the place. He started bragging about his subcontracting business and how good it was doing. Showing me pictures of jobs he had done and telling me how much work he had.

After the picture show he asked me if I would ride in town with him to pick up a new charger and a case of beer. Not wanting to get in the van with him I told him I would prefer to stay and work on the house. He then told me he needed me to drive. I agreed thinking it was better than him driving. When we got to the liquor store he came out with a fifth and a case. That scared me. Liquor drinker usually have violent tendencies. I have violent tendencies with people who drink so I knew this was a recipe for destruction. I saw very quickly those tendencies as soon as we stopped to get his charger and the store was closed. He scared the living daylights out of me. Right then I knew this was not going to work and I needed to put my thinking cap on and get the hell out of Dodge. I begin that whirl win of thoughts not coming up with anything tangible.

Later that night he tells me he would be up all night and I was welcome to sleep in his bed. Being sore after a very long and strenuous day I gladly crawl in the king size bed. Within minutes I felt like I was getting bit and having bugs crawl on me. I get up and inspect the bed only to find it riddled with bed bugs. Totally disgusted once again I frantically inform him of it only to be told that he knew all along and if you are dirty they won't "bug" you. As beat as I was I was more infuriated and grossed out. He told me on no uncertain terms did he have any plans on taking care of the situation and that was just something I had to live with. I grabbed my phone and went outside and called the only person I knew that was up. My crossdressing meth head friend and hour away. Luckily he said him and this chic would come get me but they had some running around to do first. I did not care. Just come as soon as you can I told him. I would be waiting outside. So out the door I went followed buy the drunk guy.

While sitting and waiting I was told if I didn't go back in the house he was going to have his ex girlfriend come beat me up, or he was going to call the police on me for trespassing. I told him if he did that I was going to hit him in the head with the hammer I had in my hands and go to jail for something that I really did. He kept running his mouth and I kept shaking in my shoes. A couple hours later my ride finally showed up and a rush of relief flowed over me.

The whole ride to Akron I balled my eyes out asking my friend and the girl what was I going to do. When we got back to my friends house my other long lost friend meth soon arrived. I was quick to take hold. Lauren, my crossdressing friends female name, was reluctant but agreed to let me stay there under the condition that I take care of the house while looking for my own place to live. I jumped on it. Sharing some of the same childhood torture and my love for him I was happy to be there. Not to mention the availability of meth.

Next day I woke up and was quick to get his trashed flop house in order even kicking out a couple of lazy people who where clearly using his house as a trap house. He seemed pleased and everything seemed to be going well. Being and ex Dominatrix for hire made it very easy to accept his means of making money which was prostituting as a transgender to men in the closet. Not to long after moving in I was in the need of money and decided to go back into business as a Dominatrix. He was pleased until I set up the basement as a working dungeon and had a couple clients come for my services. We ended up in a huge fight and he kicked me out at 3:00 a.m. Luckily the chic that came and picked me up in Avon Lake with him after the bed bug incident and I became quite good friends. At least I thought. Anyway she came to get me and took me back to her house to stay in her basement. My ex boyfriend also stayed in the basement so there was some tension but I told her it would be fine and I would make it work.

The next morning I spoke to her mom and we set up a rental payment and terms and I thought my problems were over. All except being a violator at large. Even with that hanging over my head I thought I was in the clear since I was in a different county and stayed out of cars for the most part. Things went pretty good for a while. Terry and I got along and I was living with the plug so I had meth whenever I wanted and only paid once a month or worked it off doing housework that the plug was to good to do.

A few months later the meth was getting the best of me and my rage was coming out on Terry. He is a sweet man but he tried to fix everything for me and I was unaccepting of any of his help. One day he tried to help me do something and instead of telling him no I grabbed him by the throat and slammed him up against a wall. At that point I packed a bag and headed out the back door. Sissa grabbed my as I went and told me that she was going to tell him to leave because he was a man. She was not going to put a woman out on the street. I told her how much I appreciated it but I was unable to live with him and the fighting any longer. He ended up staying upstairs for a few days before finally moving out permanently. After that her and I's relationship sored.

I began riding with her on all her runs even meeting her plug in the process. I was the fall girl. Ready to take the drug charges if we were ever to get pulled over while riding dirty, which was all the time. I thought she loved me. We told each other we did all the time. I had formed relationships with her sons and thought I was helping her by being the fall guy since she was pregnant. I had done time in prison and knew it would be easier for me than her since she was pregnant and had small children at home. I was also certain I would be well taken care of if that time came.

One day, while with my boyfriend at the time, we made a run to Laurens house to pick up a small pack. When I walked in Caramels room I looked to my left and laid eyes on the most beautiful man I had ever seen. We locked eyes and I knew he was interested. A few days later I asked Caramel about him and was told they were together and he was taking very good care of Caramel. I left it at that but still wanted to get to know him. I got my chance.

I get a call around 7:30 in the evening from Caramel saying if they didn't leave the property they were going to jail. I told him I couldn't have them come to my house but to call me right back and if I had the funds I would put them up in a motel for the night. Well I had just got my check so I got them an Uber and a night at the comfort Inn. When they showed up to pick me up to go to the motel the only place for me to sit in the Uber was on that beautiful mans lap. Instantly he started rubbing my back and informing me that he wanted to get with me and that him and Caramel were no longer an item. Of course, I'm flattered being blinded by his looks and charm.

We get to our room and get everything unloaded and put in the room. I decide to go next door to Walmart to get some food and pop as well as other items I thought I would need. Chris goes with me. We talk and he lays on the charm. I inform him that I don't have one night stands and if I am sleeping with someone that I am in a relationship with them. I catch feelings, I don't just fuck. We both agree that nothing is going to happen between us because we both would catch feelings and both being fresh out of relationships that's the last thing we wanted.

Close to and eight ball of meth and several xanax bars later Chris and I end up in bed while being video-tapped by Caramel. At the time I did not care. I was in the throws of passion. We spent the rest of that night and the next morning indulging in each other.

Caramel could not find a place to go so I went down to pay for another night. Once I got down there I was informed my debit card had been denied so I had to pay cash. Being in a fit of rage I went upstairs, ordered another eight ball and the games began again. Not to long after we started the party again Chris told me he loved me. I freaked out. I was higher than a kite and was unable to process anything let alone some guy telling me he loved me after great sex and two days. Sissa came back to the room around 3:30 to make another drop of marijuana this time and I asked her if I could leave with her and go back to the house. I told her about Chris and that it freaked me out. She totally understood. I quickly packed up my belongings and out the door I went. Unfortunately on the way home I remembered I had left my day planner with very important personal information in it and had to go back to get it. Upon arrival he asked why I ran off as well as if I would leave him some dope. Wanting to get the hell out of there I quickly agreed, grabbed my planner, let some dope and got the hell out of dodge. Feeling much relieved we went home and I sat up all night thinking about it. The next day while coming down I had this overwhelming feeling that I was being played. I was a trick and I didnt like it. So overwhelming that I went into a psychotic episode. The first of many more to come.

Later on Lauren was at the house and I asked her to give me a ride to meet Chris. I only wanted to talk to him since he was the only one that seemed farthest from the circle of "friends" and the one I thought wouldn't be playing me. He assured me I was just thinking crazy and he really did love me. He agreed with me how it seemed like the circle was bigger than what we realized and everyone seemed to already know everyone except him since he had just moved up here from Florida. We went to this house, did some meth then had sex again. This time on the bathroom floor then up against the washer on the back porch. Sissa came and got me shortly after and I told her I did not want to get into a relationship with him but he was a lot of fun. She agreed it was to soon for a relationship but there was nothing wrong with having fun.

The next day he called me and said he had nowhere to go. He had just been kicked out of his mothers apartment for getting caught shooting up in the common basement/laundry area. I let him come over but told him I had to keep it secret. I would get in trouble if Sissa's mom found out he was there. We laid in that bed and had sex for I can't remember how many days. He made me feel wanted and loved. I informed him that that was not the life I wanted. Living in someones basement, sneaking in my boyfriend who did not have a job and both hooked on shooting meth. He told me how he was trying to get a job but no one would hire him and we would get our own place as soon as he went to work. I believed him and our relationship grew.

After being at his mother's apartment all day we went back to my house to find a pile of mail on the bed with a note stating it was unacceptable to get mail there. Thinking the letter was referring to me, my angry self packed all my things and Chris and I carried them across Barberton to his moms apartment at 2:00 a.m. With his sweet talking she allowed me to stay there.

Next morning we all got up and agreed upon some terms for me to live there and sneak Chris in every night so he would be there as well. Blinded by the sex and less terms than my other place, I was in heaven.

Within the first month, at least once a month, I was going into fits of rage about why he did nothing but stay on the floor where we had made our bed under the stairs in the living room. Of course we were shooting ungodly amounts of meth at the time so that added to my fits of rage. His mother was well aware of the drug use and looked at it like it was ok as long as it was done at the house so she knew her sons were safe. I loved it because as long as I fed her marijuana and cleaned as well as paid my rent we were cool. This went on for months.

One day we get a knock at the door. JJ, Chris's mom opens it only to be greeted by two detectives looking for Chris. They would not tell her what it was about and being a violator at large I sat there and kept my mouth shut. Chris was there but she was not giving him up. They left their card and told her to have him call them.

Two days later Chris;s brother comes down the stairs and said they are surrounding the house. I ran upstairs with needle and joint in hand and hid in Larry's room. Chris went the opposite way. Federal marshalls busted down the door and filled the house. I ended up going downstairs and giving myself up wanting to take care of the problem once and for all but just knowing I would be going back to prison for at least another year. Chris was nowhere to be found. After looking in every nook and cranney they finally find him in between the walls down in the basement. While in hand cuffs I find out they are after him for child pornography. Being "in love" and not want ting to believe them I told him I loved him as they put us both in separate vehicles. Off to jail I go.....again. I was there for long. Cuyahoga county was quick to come get me.

While in county I was able to get somewhat of a clearer head. I spoke to Chris's mom often and at one point was told that Chris thought I had given up on him. Later that night the thought of abandoning him at his lowest really hit me hard. Having a fear of abandonment myself I felt the pain that I thought he must have. I cried for three days straight and vowed to turn my attitude towards him around and love him no matter what. Feeling very good about my decision I accepted his marriage proposal from jail through his mother. I believed his story and didn't think he would be capable of committing such acts.

Three months into my trial I was given a chance at probation rather than prison. I was so happy. They were going to transfer my probation and parole to Summit county and I was going to stay clean and live happily ever after. Well it started that way I thought. I remained clean until they came to the house and saw Chris's court papers and denied my transfer. That was all I needed to be off and running with my old friend meth again. Chris loved it to so there was no problem there. I did find a job at a local pizza joint so things were still looking up I thought. Chris was home and convinced he would not get hired anywhere with his pending charges and I agreed so I took full responsibility of our finances. A SSDI check and a job, shit we would be fine I thought.

Every court hearing we went to for him he was being reprimanded for failing his drug tests. Finally they took him back to jail for continuing to drop dirty. I was no help because if he wanted to get high, so did I. If I wanted to get high. so did he.

While sitting in the court room he gave me 20 and his phone in case they took him. They took him and we both cried. Upon leaving the courtroom I called my friend Sissa and told her what happened and asked her to come get me because I did not want to ride the bus a crying mess. She did. When I got in the car I turned on his phone and started looking at his texts. He was always very sercretive on his phone and always on it. To my not so surprise I found a conversation between him and a lady at the restaurant down the street from the house. I was fit to be tied and immediately got high as soon as I got back to the house with his brother swearing it was over between him and I. I refused to accept his calls only relaying messages between him and his mom. At some point I looked past it and told myself I pushed him to it being so mean to him at times.

While he was in jail and at RIPP, the half way house, I continued to get high but not nearly as much as when we were together. Of course he was the problem I thought. At the same time I continued to go see him, purchase a car, and do a whole lot of junking. In this junking I acquired enough stuff to fill a two bedroom apartment and turn the basement of his moms new house we lived in to a fully functioning and furnished 2 bedroom apartment with tables and chairs for the kitchen just minus the kitchen. This entire time I never told him I was still getting high. But the entire time I was in a state of psychosis of some sort always getting real bad off when I would come down. It always required hospitalization in a nut hut until I fully came down only to repeat the cycle over again.

During one home visit pass with Chris the Federal Marshalls came to get me out of the blue. Luckily they put me on an ankle monitor and put me in treatment. The whole time that I was there I was worried about Chris, who was going to take care of him and why hadn't my so called best friend done anything I had asked except bring me my clothes.

Before the second week was over I cut my ankle monitor off and ran. I ended up at the bar down the street waiting 4 hours for my friend Sissa to come pick me up. Doing shots and drinking beer the entire time. By the time she finally showed up I was lit and as happy as could be indulging in pot the whole way home only to find out she had been dealing to my son and his friends over 3 hours away. It didn't take me long to do a fat line to calm my nerves I thought to be able to handle one of my sons friends coming to my house to pick up a package. By the time she got there I had worked myself into a frenzy. Yelling and screaming at her all the things I wanted to say to my son probably wasn't the best way to handle it but none the less that's what I did. Even dumping a pitcher of Koolaid on Sissa when they left. That started a week long fit of rage staying on the couch yelling and screaming as well as setting a chair on fire that she had tried to reupholster. Chris had a job by then while he was at the halfway house and stopped in at one point in time only to stand by the door in fear of what I might do.

Finally calming down somewhat mainly because I wanted him to love me again I was able to speak in a more rational manner. The next week he was released from RIPP and the race with meth began again.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. The entire two years almost that I spent with Chris and shooting meth I hated myself for what I was doing but I would not stop. Even with the lack of relationship I had with my children and the guilt due to all of it was not enough to make me stop.

Not long after Chris came home we were fighting more and more. We are both evil beings when we fight so some very damaging words and actions took place.

One day while getting high I was asked to take a package to his aunts house in to little town just 20 minutes away. Loving to go places I jumped at the chance. I ended up bringing her back to the house for a short period of time. After dropping her back off I was pulled over for a busted windshield and obstruction of view due to a handicapped plake that was hanging from the mirror. Well with two warrants I was quickly arrested and carted off back to Cuyahoga county jail.

This was all during the very beginning of the covid-19 pandemic. Not even two weeks in jail and the let me go. I thought I hit the lottery and was high before the end of the night. For approximately the next two month I continued to spiral down a hole deeper than I was already in.

One morning after a few days of fighting I couldn't take it anymore. Rather than scream and get physical I packed a laundry hamper full of clothes and decided I had had enough. Enough of Chris and more importantly enough of the drugs. I called a very nice dual diagnosis hospital I had been in before and asked them if they would take me. They said they would It took me a month in that hospital until I was ready to be in treatment and accept the treatment. God knows I wanted it. Luckily the courts found out I was there and sent papers stating I was to go back to the treatment facility I was at prior in the year and finish successfully.

I could not have been happier. Yes at times I missed Chris and still do(when I get those lonely blues.) I was doing better than I ever had. I was well liked by everyone. Not having any fits of rage or real bad side effects from coming off the dope after being on it for so long. I was taking my meds as prescribed and just doing well all the way around the board. Shortly after coming back they even lifted the smoking ban and we were allowed to go out five times a day at specific times to smoke.

While on these smoke breaks, while sitting with my friends I kept looking at the industrial air conditioner sitting next to me that they were trashing and day dreaming about all the copper piping that was on it and how much money I could make if I took a piece when I came out to smoke and saved it. I did that for at least a month. I had quite a bit of copper saved up. One day one of the other girls had been caught with a phone which is a major violation. I was asked if I had a phone. Not wanting to get in trouble, I lied. Next I was asked if I had anything in my room I wasn't supposed to have. I told my counselor that I had copper and gave it up. As soon as I saw her face I knew I was going back to jail. It took them four and a half hours to come get me but I was cuffed out. At the time I was sure I was going back to prison yet again.

Once again I think this pandemic that we are in saved my life. I did a month in county and am in a different treatment facility in Cleveland. I definitely do not like this place as much as I did the other but it does have its bonuses. The way I see it its all how I look at it. This time they did cut off my disability check so I have no income coming in but thanks to that ex boyfriend, that I was so mean to, due to how good I was to him when we were together he is helping me out. Thank God he is clean now too. I had 5 months clean time as of yesterday and I haven't felt this good in a long time. I look at the relationship that Chris and I had and all the possessions I had acquired while he was away and think. "enjoy, I had a ball doing it." If they make him and his family happy then I am happy. I accomplished all that while high them no telling what I can accomplish clean and sober. I have mended the relationships with my two sons and am tickled pink that they still love me and talk to me on a regular basis.

I have little clue on whats going to happen from one day to the next. I do know, however, that I wake up in the morning, I get stronger every day and there are many wonderful things out there that await me. I am going to have bad days at times but a bad day clean and sober is better than any of my so called good days high.

One day I wish to start a non profit organization leading to a thrift store where we take used thrown out items, clean them or fix them and donate them back into society to those in need. We as Americans throw away so many good usable household items everyday I see no reason why this is not doable.

Thank You- Be on the lookout for Treasured Trash.