Make note of your pacifiers.

As our province descended into yet another lockdown due to Covid-19, we all felt the pressures coming in on us. I woke up with such a bad headache from the stress and the unknowns, it pierced behind my eyeballs. Many of us would reach for our greatest comforts throughout a pandemic, understandably so. We reach for them in normal life when we aren’t finding ourselves in the midsts of a global pandemic. The stresses that Covid-19 has brought along with it have merely magnified the common soothers we use, making their presence and purpose that much more necessary, that much more in demand; just because we are adults does not mean that we don’t need comforts to make it through the day too.

Luckily, I chose a great year to sharpen up my skills in this department. My old go-to would have been wine. Vodka. Then a lot more wine and even more vodka after that. Besides these two said main characters that facilitated throwing the old soother in the mouth, I would also engage in the following, please do not feel surprised if you have any of these resonate with you:

Exercising to punish myself

Victimize myself from anything that I could

Let one comment ruin my entire day, spin me out

Binge watch TV shows

Binge eat food before bed (have a ‘food hangover’) the next day

Live in the past, spending hours doing so some days: “You can look at the past, just no need to stare at it” was the old quote I believe!

These days, I will surrender myself to behaviours such as …

Reclaiming my breath

Repeating powerful statements to re-frame / move my mind in a new direction

Exercising to reward myself

Heat blankets to warm up the soul

Intolerably hot baths

Early bedtimes on bad days (and on the good ones too: sleep = important)

I live in the exact moment I have, because this is what we truly have - that’s it, that’s all...right here in the now.

Here. I am here. And so are you. Your physical body, your spiritual self, your brain. All of it is really, literally, here. If we can remember to be here, that is one of our first steps to weakening the addiction that we all have (yes, smartphones included) to enticing pacifiers. Here is: the now, the present moment, the exact place that you find yourself in. And in order to enjoy where I am, as best as I can (each day is different in its challenges), I had to introduce changes to how I consume the daily dramas and feelings from others around me. I do not let life’s intensities envelop me to a point of no return, meaning not being able to see my way out. It can feel like a snowstorm when you’ve woken up with a resolve to have a peaceful day, yet despite your resolve, there are sharp snowflakes with gusty winds ready to meet you. How frustrating! Do we let it become a storm though, in our world? Or can we simply observe it and retreat back to what we know, to our own familiar ‘footings’… and not participate in pacifiers to do so?

Talking about being ‘here’ in direct relation to pacifiers looks like this: here is all we have, folks. Look back - but only do it briefly if you do. Look forward - but the goal is to look forward with curiosity and wonder, not worry. The process of bringing power back to you, back to being a part of you, is slow. This pacifier or pacifier(s) get yanked out and you are left wailing, arms flailing. But just as a baby learns to let go of the sacred soother, you can let go of this too. You can learn about what is actually sacred to you, and to us all, since we’re all a massive body of energy that moves together. It’s an incredible feeling to be able to healthily acknowledge the chaos around me and to calm myself with remedies that will produce beneficial results as opposed to destructive ones which have you waking up with a bloody awful headache and a short fuse.

And here I am, this is what I dove into head first. Well, I think it was the first thing on my journey. It’s hard to know really, because when you wake up and know you have to eradicate massive change, you hit the ground running. You buy every book. You try every meditation. Your soul is on fire, and ready to unleash a lot of potential that’s been locked away for far too long. A quest like this, while exciting, can make you feel naked.

And this is the pool that I have landed in because I chose to jump into it and let my feet grace the cool floor. The floor is cool because I will forewarn you, you’ve had a really nice position of comfort living with pacifiers, and often these were pacifiers that could be purchased or procured with ease: quickly, cheaply, efficiently. The old instant gratification thing that our society pines for: now, now, now. We want it all now. These are things that have nothing to do with your innate spirit but trickily and sneakily claim they will ‘fix’ you. Anything worth having will not be yours immediately, another harsh truth but also a truth that unlocks you. If you can acquire something easily, it is not going to be worth acquiring. If you pine for that you seem to think others have - remember that what you see is the tip of the ice berg. You are speculating off of approximately 1/4 of their story. Many failures, fears are slaughtered like a knight does to a dragon… many of this has occurred to have that individual stand proud in their victory that you see.

Let’s say that pacifiers were the first thing to go for me. We’re going to chat in detail about this. Alcohol was my biggest one: my best buddy that also stabbed me in the back, but I was so intoxicated by her beauty… I let alcohol keep coming back to me. Also similar to a toxic ex. How’s that for a “gulp” moment in your throat? How terrifying is it, how much control we are willing to hand over when we’re battled and bruised but don’t know how to self-sooth? When we don’t know how to hug ourselves, and tell ourselves that…hey, I love you.

I have your back. We will be OK. This piece of writing is here to tell you that.

Babies or Adults?

Pacifiers are funny when you think of them. You picture an innocent baby that has not learned to cope. So why did I choose this analogy for a book geared towards the anxious adult? Let’s talk more about that and we will start with… babies.

A baby is a small human thrust into the world at birth and this stage is the purest most innocent version of our selves; a blank chalkboard waiting to learn from its caregivers. Babies do not know how to control their extremities. Their big eyes will be completely content when they’re finally given their pacifier, bottle, or probably the best feeling of all (for both parties)… the comfort of someone holding them. They’re vulnerable but they’re allowed to be. They need comforts and receive them, and they are healthy, conducive comforts that don’t bring any alarm to anyone because babies are meant to be held, loved, consoled, cared for… no matter what.

An adult, which I am presuming you are if you are reading this (hardy har har)… well we are a teeny tiny bit of a funny one to look at.

*Stay with me here*

You may picture an ‘established’ individual that knows what they are doing, can pay their bills, etc… walking around in control of their extremities for the most part… but here we are. We are not so innocent anymore, quite the opposite actually, and many of us have not learnt how to cope properly. I am still learning even while I dish out these words to you (we never stop learning, sorry to disappoint you).

These adults that we have become, have all too often lost those big wondrous eyes; they’re stressed and maybe their eyes are in more of a slit like form while dodging their sights here, there and everywhere to see what’s going on around them… yet once we’re handed our own ‘bottle’ (figuratively and literally speaking if we want to go down the rabbit hole of alcohol like I did) we have been handed a reason to be content. Or if we are co-dependent, we will see the resolve derived from being attached to our partner or another friend or family member. So, we really aren’t that different. I know this is disappointing to hear as an iron clad adult in the modern world. I’m calling you out on the facade. Especially the one we hide behind on social media - but that’s a whole other chapter in this book.

Back to us being no different than babies, with our pacifiers: The irony here is too sharp not to mention - that bottle we yearn for, but as an adult, the bottle will actually revert us to a state of losing control. And yes that may even include our extremities not being able to function (my mind rapidly pictures x amount of walks out of a night club where some missteps have taken place, to say the least). Basically, I am eluding to being a big messy adult.

We are messy.

We are as messy as babies are.

(We just have sophisticated pacifiers).

And I beg you / ask you / dare you to take account of where these pacifiers live in you and outside of you. Once that is complete, let’s shift that energy to something that is more intrinsic to you, something that will hand you a grounded power that goes with you wherever you go.

Repeat: A grounded power that goes with you wherever you go.

It won’t matter if there is no booze or weed at the party. It won’t matter if you have nobody who can come to your saviour on a bad day at work because you’ll be able to ‘pacify’ yourself with… yourself. And guess what?

You aren’t actually pacifying anymore. Let’s find out why, let’s define pacify from a quick Google search:

1a : to allay the anger or agitation of : soothe pacify a crying child.

b : appease, propitiate tried to pacify the enemy with compromises.

2a : to restore to a tranquil state : settle made an attempt to pacify the commotion.

b : to reduce to a submissive state : subdue forces moved in to pacify the country.

We are now soothing our own minds, because they’re ours after all. This definition is not one that will describe you and how you live. After all, we wake up and live with our selves every single day - so it is best make it a happy place to be. All of these definitions above elude to appeasing, restoring things that shouldn’t be restored, being submissive… none of these are running straight at what needs ‘pacifying’. So, your new tools are the furthest thing from being pacifiers.

They are, instead, what I like to call your power tools.

In a nutshell, we are both, as adults and babies, reaching outwards for something external that we depend on to help us feel better. This process is the most simplistic route to take. Babies can be given a ‘hall pass’ here, they literally do not have the ability to process the world the way that we do.

However, for all of us who have grown up into our big adult bodies with big adult commitments and responsibilities… we must raise the bar a bit here. Instant gratification and relying on external forces solely will:

Rob of our authenticity: to be robbed of who we really are... that is what scared me the most when I began running down the path back to “me”, wherever she was… What I care about, what delights me and what frightens me… and if your life becomes one that involves cocktails to feel better, boyfriends or girlfriends to fill loneliness… how will you ever meet your authentic self? You are essentially plugging the holes in the pipes and the shining light of authenticity that is in you will begin to fade out. Build your raft the best that you can so you can endure the temporary flood that is inevitable. What is this ‘flood’? It is years of resentments, fear, shame and guilt. The same list I say over and over again. Do these sound like things you would like to have bottled up inside? So stop plugging the holes! You are robbing yourself of meeting the pure joy and grandeur of living day to day as an authentic human being. May I add that we all forget how lucky we are to be here as human beings. Gary Vee is quite stern with his following about this:

“I just don’t understand why anybody wouldn’t be grateful in a world where the odds of becoming a human being are 400 trillion to 1”

- Gary Vee

Create a sense of loneliness in your self: long after the booze is gone (remember, fill in the blank with your vice here if booze is not yours - maybe yours is marijuana or online shopping or gambling) and say, your partner has left for work… all of these external tools are going to lead you right back to…well, you. Alarming right? All of this distraction and instant gratification all to be led back to the same broken you - and this version of you feels terrible without it’s pacifiers. So we are talking about your being, your soul, the movement of you everyday. If you have not created a good home to be in, this is a lonely place and can feel absolutely crumbling. How powerful would it be to feel fine (or more than fine, amazing) by yourself, to know that you have your own back and can be trusted, and to have healthy coping mechanisms in place that will not only help you endure whatever problem or quarrels comes your way, but also make you stronger? It won’t be so scary to come back home anymore.

Chip away at self confidence: when you constantly feel like you need something outside of yourself to validate any feeling - be it a celebration or a devastating occurrence, your perception of self starts to become foggy. You lose sight of what your own guiding instincts are. You are not listening to the hushed whispers as Oprah would say. You are exposed. “Strong back, soft front, wild heart”. I love these words. Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for them. Brené Brown, one of my favourite authors on this planet, spoke on her podcast episode released on November 4th, 2020 about this concept from Zen Buddhist Roshi Joan Halifax. Brené added the wild heart to the end, but Roshi’s original quote is as follows:

“All too often our so-called strength comes from fear not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence.”

- Roshi Joan Halifax

How can we be self confident when we do not let our true self shine in the toughest times? And if we do not find ways to cope that do not require anything but ourselves? Of course, we may enlist the help of a support group and a therapist or both. I am not excluding such things, because they are not pacifiers. They are the Jolly Jumper’s that help get you moving. The booster seat. An aid. Something that is helping you get stronger, is what I am eluding you to. Not only something that makes you stronger, but something that is necessary.

Create more day to day anxieties in ourselves: Naturally, you will be more anxious when you are not on solid footings in your own self. My day to day anxiety has reduced incredibly now that I know who is steering the ship. I’ve spoken to myself like I am a child, confirming to that child that I’ve got their back. It helps to give your inner child a big hug too! We do not need to hide behind a shield. Let your vulnerabilities come out, enjoy the way the sun hits your forehead on a warm summer day. Be overcome with joy when you get to eat a delicious meal. If we keep hiding away that we have this happy child living in us, we’re creating anxieties that are not necessary. And those anxieties will fight until we finally elect to hear them, release them, and feed them the authenticity and acceptance that they need.

So to avoid going in the exact opposite direction of where I want both myself, and you, my new found friend, to go…let’s be more mindful with our approach. Some days, it will be easier than it is on others to trudge forward on the paths less travelled.

So what do we do?

I want to start with saying that if you were able to buy this book… if you are able to get up and check the weather on your smartphone… you are rich. You are very, very rich in life. You will be able to do this, and you have the tools to do so - this is what I am reassuring you of. And this base of thinking is one of gratitude. Everything we do from this point forward, even on the toughest days, must act from a place of gratitude. And you have to want it. That’s it, that’s all. Well, a few other things too.

But honestly that’s the simplest way to look at it. I did not want it enough until this time around. You may do some half ass attempts before you fully commit, but keep coming back until you do. You will know when you are ready. And I hope that is soon. But do not be discouraged if it takes a few tries, and please come back to this. Most of what I do is totally self-reliant, can be administered wherever I am, and merely requires that you are willing to actually do it. Wouldn’t it be a great feeling to be able to hone in on your own internal strengths to handle literally anything that comes your way? It is a great feeling, trust me. What will meet you at the opposite end of the warnings above? Let’s look at this so that you get excited for what is ahead, a glimmer of real hope if you will:

Being robbed of your authenticity --> transformed to --> living your life true to who you are

Creating a sense of loneliness in your self --> transformed to --> feeling the most at home with yourself

Chipping away at your self confidence --> transformed to --> having a sure idea of your self + the utmost confidence in your abilities

Creating more day to day anxieties --> transformed to --> lessening our anxieties because we’re in the present, the now… we are here.

Before we move ahead here, I feel like I need to explain with more thoroughness what I mean by ‘pacifiers’ because this beast of a first chapter has been proofread a couple of times now and I swear that it gets a bit missed! So I will give examples here (yes I realize I already mentioned some of these before but follow along anyway) of what some of your pacifiers may be…remember, the key here is that a pacifier has you relying on external remedies and solutions to calm + soothe internal turmoil:

- drugs (alcohol, marijuana, prescription pills, coffee to be honest)

- codependent relationships (most common symptom is an “excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity”)

- exercising as punishment

- binge eating to forget about bad days / stress

- binge watching TV shows to forget about bad days / stress

- clinging onto others’ dramas to make yourself feel better about your situation (Google spiritual bypassing - highly recommend)

- obsessively cleaning / re organizing to distract yourself (perfectionism)

- aimlessly scrolling your phone for more time than you intended to - feeling depleted when you’re done

- hyperactivity

- victimizing yourself in many situations

- gambling

*I encourage you to make your own list*

Hopefully this clears up what pacifiers are. And I know it feels really insulting to hear that we all have big proverbial soothers in our mouths but this book is all about breaking down these feel good things to be better, get better, do better. Remember that, stay with me.

The secret that I will let you in on is that all of the answers live behind your eyelids. And this is what we are going to explore as the main power tool; meaning that they live in you, every single morning that you wake up. And the most important thing I can stress to you is to change your inner dialogue. This is what your main focus is to rid yourself of pacifiers in your life. Listen to what messages you have in you, and you will find yourself living a life where you do not feel imprisoned in your mind. Nor lonely, inauthentic, lacking in confidence, and lastly… no more buzzing around like an anxious bird that just hit a window. Who wants to live like this? Not me.

And… I don’t live like that anymore, that’s the good news. Let’s get you there too. If you listen to a few things I say here (remembering I am speaking only of my experience and keeping in mind that I am not a professional in this field) you will find clarity in your own way, too.

The route is actually really simple - it is our complex human minds that complicate it. And I understand that some of what I describe may not resonate with you but this is not a one size fits all solution, and if you get some inspiration from it and take away just enough to make change, that’s the whole idea here.

So. You have a conscious and sub conscious brain that are both constantly firing messages simultaneously. The sub conscious part of your makeup does not dishonour or honour what you say. Instead, it takes whatever you tell it as the truth. Whatever story you are telling yourself… that was either ingrained in you early on in life or that you have created as a coping or defence mechanism (without even knowing that is what you did). That’s the truth. Your entire being will begin to believe whatever story you tell it and it will act out in front of your very eyes in the real physical world.

“I forgot to put gas in my car last night, today’s ruined” - OK.

“Why would she say that? She ruined this whole afternoon” - OK.

Whatever statement you make, you brain believes it, it understands the story, and just sit back to watch it transpire. Ever notice some people are constantly attracting crappy things? That isn’t a coincidence. They’re likely on a very negative wave length and ride that wave 90% of the time.

This is why I say that the answers are right under your eyelids, and I hope you can see that after illustrating what I’ve learnt and what I believe is true about the power of your consciousness and sub consciousness. And in order to gain access to the answers, you must be able to sit down and be still. I am talking about meditation, yes, but it can also be a more fluid-like practice throughout your day. I do my best to get up and meditate as close to everyday as I possibly can, but I won’t lie in these pages and act like I am a guru at it and like it is something that happens with diligence every single day. It is present most days though. And it will change your life. And you can truly make it something that caters to how you work. And on days where I do miss out on a morning meditation practice, you best believe that if my day ‘spins out’, meditation is the first thing I turn to. As we will discuss later in the book, our fast paced society with smartphone technology and constant advertising being flashed before our eyes also adds to the already insanely complex mixture of messaging and circuitry streaming through our minds. This is why we need to hone in on this concept of breaking the circuit and getting quiet whenever, however, and as often as we can.

Your quiet moments.

They allow you to see what already lies in you, your innate being that understands what the next moves are. They allow you to calm the brain and change an inner dialogue that is not helping you bring what you desire to fruition. Grabbing these quiet moments can look like 2 minutes with a timer on your phone, seated on the bathroom floor. It can also look like a yoga mat placed on a beautiful bright lit bedroom floor with all the time in the world. It doesn’t matter, whatever you’ve been told it ‘has to look like’ is bull shit.

Harness what you have to work with already. Stop buying into the drama. Begin healing yourself by embracing the beautiful imperfect humanly powerhouse that you are...and abandoning toxic pacifiers.