Latest Stories
Most recently published stories in Psyche.
What Nourishes me Destroys me
Not many people know me online anymore. I have stayed well hidden for quite some time. I'm only now starting to become 'vocal' again. I'd like to start with something that I am very serious and passionate about. Something I don't want to joke about at all.
By Sara Wilson5 years ago in Psyche
Stop Cutting Yourself on People Who Hurt You
When we think of self-harming behaviors, we usually think of cutting, addiction, and suicide ideation. We don’t usually consider our patterns in relationships, and yet, repeatedly engaging in toxic relationships is absolutely a form of self-harm. We know it’s not good for us, and we do it anyway.
By Crystal Jackson5 years ago in Psyche
On Making an Illuminati Snuff Film
My reward to myself for maintaining a year clean resulted in my taking a trip through Sober Vacations International to Turks and Caicos to Club Med. Basically, they take all of the alcohol out of that den of hedonistic pleasure for a week and let a bunch of former drunks and addicts vacation and have meetings together. It was an amazing experience and I recommend both getting clean as well as taking one of the many vacations that Sober Vacations International has to offer.
By Diane Bancroft5 years ago in Psyche
Lately
I miss the taste of alprazolam in the morning. There is nothing quite like waking up, dry swallowing that 2mg bar and then closing your eyes while the feeling of warmth, relief and childlike mischievousness unentombs your mind from any form of disagreeable, heavy thoughts. It does, however, taste disgusting; it is an acquired taste.
By Zap Rowsdower5 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
The psychiatrist wanted me admitted to the ward, I cant remember what he said to me. He looked as if he was trying to lower my voices, there was pressure on my forehead like it was closing down on me. I relaxed & let it spring back up. I was intrigued by him, it was if he in some way could hear what was happening in my head. He didn't seem to like me & I don't think he had my best interests on his mind. I expressed in my head I wanted the voices to attack him while he was leaving the unit, he stopped & turned his ear towards me. My voices followed me into the hospital, they got quieter during the night. It was if the other patients in there were clearing my head out. One of them identified to me, one of my voices was difficult to get to leave me alone. There was some sort of chant going on through the night, like a clearing spell, voices were approaching me then being silenced. I woke up the next day confused, but there was no more pressure or tension in my head. Which had been caused by all the voices, being so loud all the time. The psychiatrist recommended medication & to stay admitted, he said I wasn't able to go home. He hardly let me speak, he wasn't listening to what I was saying. He was making his own decisions from what he thought was happening to me, without really explaining anything. I just wanted to go home. It was awful in there, nothing to do, trapped in a small area, interacting with other patients that were really unwell. I had to wait to go outside, the voices were there showing concern for me now. The medication was giving me a high, making voices around me happy, then I would get really tired & crash. I really didn't want to be there, I didn't think they were helping me. I thought the mental health team were attacking me, like the voices. Covering up what was actually happening. I did feel more in control of my headspace, but lost control of my freedom. I was thinking about methamphetamine & when I would be able to have it again, I was tense & becoming angry I couldn't have it. The psychiatrist changed & this one seemed more patient centred. He explained to me there were changes in my brain, I told him there was nothing wrong with me & suggested a scan. He told me my drug intake had caused me to become this way. I knew it had nothing to do with the drugs, the voices were real. I witnessed several things that proved to me they were real. I had also heard voices before in my life, when I was a child. I wasn't exposed to methamphetamine until I was 37. Hearing voices didn't seem too strange to me, I believe anything is possible. I couldn't handle the 24/7 violating attack, I was made to tolerate. I had other issues I needed to sort out. I was losing my house, lost my dream job, asked for my daughter to be taken off me & I had a so called boyfriend that was emotionally abusing me. All the mental health team were concerned about was my methamphetamine intake. The psychiatrist released me, after speaking with my daughter. My daughter explained I had always had similar beliefs, to the ones I was expressing now. That was my way of interpreting, why things could be possible. My follow up care was home visits by my case manager. She was caring & understanding, suggestive & supportive. I felt at ease with her, it was if she knew what I was going through. I was in my bathroom, I could feel something crawling through my skin. I felt it escaping, flapping its wings. I looked in the mirror, there were moths evolving out of me. I was having anxiety type symptoms, extreme despair. It stopped, there was instant relief. My case manager called me asked if I was alright. Somehow it seemed as if she knew, how was it so coincidental? The voices consisted of groups, the ones sounding like the mental health team, were on my side. My voices got control of me again, my hallucinations more real. I was admitted to the ward again. My explanation consisted of an infection on my foot this time, anything except methamphetamine, being the cause. I disagreed with my admission, demanding I be released. They got security to restrain me, so I could be medicated. I didn't need security to restrain me, I needed an explanation of what the medication was for. I allowed them to administer medication, after I was fully informed of the medication need. I had been here before, I knew I had to agree with them & accept treatment. I didn't want to be there, I asked for medication every time I was awake. I slept all the time except for when they woke me, for meal times & review. The psychiatrist recommended a new medication, a regular anti psychotic depot injection. I could have it & be released. The medication put me into a parkinson type state; I would shuffle to move, no control over my movement. I was exhausted all the time, I could barely function. My head tilted to the side, I was starting to drool. The voices made fun of me & asked if I had been away. My case manager came to visit me & recognised I was suffering severe side effects. A reversal medication was prescribed, I got some normal control over myself again. I thought they had put me in a permanent state of disability, not able to care for myself. I had a review with a different psychiatrist this time, they wanted to administer the same medication. I refused, I cried, I begged not to put in the zombie like state again. It had no benefit to me. The psychiatrist listened & agreed I should not have that medication again. That was the first time I believed the health care team were actually considering me as a person. The voices were still there, this medication had little to no effect, on how the voices were able to attack me. The medication made me gain weight, made me tired & caused my period to cease. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with skitzophrenia & let me live in this state & only considered how I coped with the situation. I had to function & not share all of my experiences with the psychiatrist. On one occasion I thought I heard him speak to me with his mind. The expression on his face was of rejection, when I made clear with my mind I didn't want to communicate this way. On another occasion the voices attacked him, he was trying to ignore them. He moved in his chair & nodded to a question, I heard the voices ask him. It was like he believed I accepted the voices attacking me. The medication was ceased after a year. I moved house & the voices disappeared. They came back to me after only three days. I was allocated another psychiatrist, he was inquisitive to how I coped. He admitted me. After I expressed I felt like the cause of the voices was gaslighting & they were projecting my thoughts. A new medication was administered, the voices disappeared instantly. I was relieved I thought I had to live with the voices for the rest of my life, finally something that worked. But then the side effects of the medication became too much, I was sleeping over 14 hours a day, no motivation or energy. I felt kidney pain for two days after administration of the anti psychotic medication. My methamphetamine intake did not change. We agreed to stop the medication, I was prescribed an oral medication. I did not take it. My voices returned, it built up to another psychosis quickly. I had at least twenty voices attacking me, feelings of things entering my body, seeing unusual things & experiencing short changes to my body. The psychiatrist put me back on the same anti psychotic depot medication, but at a smaller dosage. I am now symptom free & living a normal life. I even quit methamphetamine.
By Tamika Muir5 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
I was hearing voices, it felt like I was being observed, I was seeing unusual things & it felt like there was a presense approaching me. I was in realisation my life was out of control, I had a so called boyfriend emotionally abusing me. My belief in myself disappeared, I was ashamed & felt guilty. I could not afford my methamphetamine addiction & pay for essential needs. I had fallen into a hole & could not get out. I was functioning but I was gone, like a zombie, completely exhausted mentally. Lost, scared & no idea how I was going to get back to me. I had lost my relationship with my children. My drug addiction was my priority on my mind. I needed help to sort my life out, I couldn't escape the situation, I didn't know how. I wanted to get better, I wanted me back. I couldn't find a solution that would help me. I knew I had to stop my drug addiction, it was going to be the only way out of this horrible situation. I visited my local GP & informed her of my drug addiction. I cried when I told her my children had to have pasta & tomato sauce for dinner. My daughter shouted at me when will you be a real mother. My brother said I had to get off the methamphetamine. The voices were following me, attacking me, threatening me & telling me things they were observing. Making me aware they were there. Making themselves more important then me. They wouldn't leave me alone, kept trying to make me tolerate them, demanding my attention. It was like an experiment was being conducted on me. They wanted me to believe in them, acting as if they could help me. The voices were trying to change me, they were voicing how they could make me a better person. Interviews were happening around me, they were talking to each other about me. They were saying they were talking to my friends & family when they came to visit, commenting on what my friends & family were thinking. They were making me aware of what they thought of me, judging me, stating they were better then me. One day I was having a shower & their was a presence of an investigator taking notes & observing how I was reacting to the voices being there. They were trying to make me feel comfortable with them being there. They were trying to voice to me, they were comfortable with me & needed me around. They kept returning even though I didn't want them around, they were burdening me, making the whole situation harder to cope with. I asked for help & I became more incapable with them being there. They were not there to help me in anyway, they couldn't help, they didn't really want to. They violated me in the worst way thinkable. The voices would state they would confuse me, allowing me to think it wasn't really happening. They wanted belief in them, but act as if it wasn't real. They were trying to get closer, more involved in my thoughts. The voices were trying to figure out the way I thought, a plan to change my way of thinking. It felt like they wanted me to give full control of me to them. They were increasing the disbelief I had in myself. I was followed by a couple of men & I could hear them talking about me, I was really anxious. My so called boyfriend had been harassing me all day, I needed to leave my house. I couldn't handle the voices & being observed & followed. I spent the night at a friends house & the next day the police called me saying mental health was looking for me. A psychiatrist & a nurse came & picked me up from my house, I was admitted as a patient.
By Tamika Muir5 years ago in Psyche
Overcoming Postpartum Depression
Postpartum depression is an extremely difficult illness to navigate. It is also an unspoken enemy of sorts. Everyone is always so excited to hear of the new baby that no one wants to dare even whisper the term "baby blues." It is both a very real and very painful experience. If you're lucky, your doctor will mention it a few times and maybe as about it briefly towards the end of your pregnancy. Anyone who has experienced it can testify that it is beyond hard.
By Morgan Elizabeth5 years ago in Psyche
'Joker' - A Journey into Mental Illness
My mood was okay. Not brilliant, not awful - I was okay. However, given that I was only 'okay,' I also needed to be careful. Fill my mind with happy, joyous things, I'd remain good. Cram it full of darkness, and I only had myself to blame if I dipped.
By Christopher Donovan5 years ago in Psyche
