I miss the taste of alprazolam in the morning. There is nothing quite like waking up, dry swallowing that 2mg bar and then closing your eyes while the feeling of warmth, relief and childlike mischievousness unentombs your mind from any form of disagreeable, heavy thoughts. It does, however, taste disgusting; it is an acquired taste.
Now I take clonazepam. I also take citalopram and gabapentin but those are clearly not as important to me. I am amused that clonazepam was the first benzodiazepine I ever used and abused as I have now come full circle.
There was this cabinet above the microwave in our kitchen with three deep shelves full of drugs, prescription and OTC, and I discovered, around the age of twelve, that taking various combinations of these pills made using our riding lawn mower not only bearable, but fun. My dad was a doctor and it was the early 2000s so a large cabinet of drugs, given the details, was commonplace. At first I didn’t know what I was doing; I figured out which drugs I liked by trial and error. This was about twenty-two years ago so I didn’t have a smartphone or all of the online resources there are today.
There were a lot of drugs up there and I can say in full confidence that I hilariously took a lot different antibiotics, antihistamines and other medications trying to find the ones that made me feel better. Eventually I realized the clonazepam, lorazepam, cyclobenzaprine, promethazine/codeine and the fentanyl, as well as combinations of all of these, were the fun drugs in the cabinet.
Mowing took quite a long time as we lived on an acreage and there were various paths and fields that needed to be maintained. The first time I had to mow I was excited to use our riding lawn mower, a Dixie chopper. It was a fast, fun and dangerous mower to use, especially because there were a lot of hills and I drove fast. I quickly started to hate mowing as it was boring and took too long. I don’t remember exactly how I made the connection to take the pills, but I did.
At least it made mowing fun for a few years. The air was so fresh, the grass so green... I was high and I loved it. This is what happened in college too, “at least adderall, alprazolam and acid, made college fun,” but that is a story for a different time.
Those pink 0.5 mg clonazepam quickly became my favorite. There were always so many and they were always restocked. I would get a rush of excitement upon stealing them and a feeling of huge relief upon having them. No one noticed that I was stealing all of these pills for years, and even when they did notice I managed to lie and continue to find ways to steal these pills, specifically clonazepam, to this very day. Yes, I have a prescription to clonazepam; yes I will steal clonazepam given the chance. I do not feel good about it but it is the truth.
Having put myself through countless withdrawals from benzodiazepines in the past I am now very careful to make sure I do not run out before I can pick up more. The many, many withdrawals from alprazolam and adderall were terrible beyond description. Withdrawals are some of the worse things I’ve ever experienced. Withdrawals are worse than kidney stones. At least you get drugs when you have kidney stones.
So here I am, feeling as though I’ve come full circle. It does not represent as a feeling of completeness. It is more of a spiral where I keep meeting the same challenges in different forms. I’m just higher on the spiral but in the same relative position... or am I lower? Due to fear and the general structure of society I chose to meet these challenges with many resignations and sacrifices along the way, almost all of which involved drugs and self medication.
I’d like to say I don’t know why I have anxiety but I think it is pretty obvious. Just look at the world. I use the drugs to help filter out all the chaotic, anxious noise of the warring world outside. I am writing this because something is not working. I have too much time on my hands and I am feeling destructive and anxious. I’m bored and all I want to do is drink. I am struggling to not become a functional alcoholic. Just a few months ago I was going to the gym daily and not drinking at all. I have sought help in the past. This time I have to turn it around and get through it on my own.
My plan is to continue taking clonazepam without abusing it, keep watching Star Trek, quit drinking, quit weed for the time being, get back into work and be serious about it, keep my girlfriend and nourish the relationship and get back into the gym. Wish me luck.
About the Creator
Zap Rowsdower
I am just here writing random musings about my actual life.
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