Latest Stories
Most recently published stories in Psyche.
Depression
There are things that are hard to express to people. Things that you just don’t get unless you’ve lived it. Depression is one of them. It’s not sadness, or the blues. It’s not feeling down. Honestly, to me, it’s more like not feeling at all. It’s the desperation to feel anything. Even if that thing is pain. Even if it is every bad dream you’ve ever dreamt. Every time you’ve ever been afraid. All of the negativity in your head, gushing out so that you feel something. It can’t use the good memories or the jokes that make you laugh so hard you can’t stop. Those things just won’t do, they are too temporary. If depression is really going to remind you how to feel, so that you feel something, it has to hit hard. It has to go deep, to the things that weigh you down.
By C. S. Phoenix 5 years ago in Psyche
Crawled Out of a Trap
Once upon a time, on Valentines Day of all days, 18.5 year-old me decided it'd be a good idea to go to the apartment of a 28 year-old acquaintance right after I broke up with a flaky a**hole. I figured "maybe he will be nice and won't try to f**k me", so why not give it a try and not be alone on V-day? Well, I went there, he didn't try to f**k me, and fast forward 8 years... we have a child together, I suffered depression inflicted by his manipulations and type B narcissistic behaviors such as blowing insignificant situations out of proportion, gaslighting, verbal bullets, name-calling and punching walls in front of our child because I didn't agree with him on something small... you know, that kind of thing.
By D. L. Dempsey5 years ago in Psyche
Traveling with Depression
My boyfriend, Todd, and I have decided to take our show on the road. And by that, I mean we are literally dropping our lives to travel the United States. Ok, so it's not quite that simple, but we are in the beginning stages of planning to make this happen within the next six months. So, you might be asking yourself, why? Why leave the comfort of four walls for an RV? Did I mention the RV? Honestly, though, this has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. To travel the United States, yes in an RV, and you guessed it, write. So of course, when Todd mentioned travel nursing, I was kind of in from the start. Though, I was hesitant with two young children and two dogs to consider in the picture. But this was my dream I was looking at, and a good opportunity job wise for Todd. I couldn't refuse. A few weeks later here we are: Todd talking with recruiters and RV hunting, and me creating and publishing my own website! One of these days, that could be us parked in a Class C next to a serene lake in some beautifully remote location. The prospect was enough to kick start my ambition to get my dreams up and running. Join me, as my family and I prep to venture into the unknown, writing and nursing and traveling, all while taking my depression along for ride.
By Tabitha White5 years ago in Psyche
The Trauma in My Mind
What I went through it was never easy. I have had many traumatic experiences. I could tell you story after story about all the heartache that I suffer. I felt like I was trapped in a Mexican soap opera. I did not think that anyone else could understand what I am going through. You see the trauma I went through followed me through the years. I kept waiting for the drama in my life to stop, but it followed me and it was painful through my life.
By Gina R (Gibana)5 years ago in Psyche
My Wife's Long "Pregnancy" with Triplets
I was speaking to my older sister last night about this and how my marriage failed. My wife when I met her was a beautiful girl, and I was Amish, going to a non-Amish church service at my cousin Fannie's house. She was my cousin Simon's girlfriend. But it was not till I left that I really interacted with her.
By Joseph Slabaugh5 years ago in Psyche
Claircognizance Causes Me Immense Stress
I'm deeply aware that I need surgery, but I have been told not to get it even when the pandemic improves. Some of my doctors are divided into camps, the pro-surgery camp and the anti-surgery camp. I have to find the one GI and surgeon that will agree with me though, because these hernia symptoms are making me crazy. The acid reflux doesn't feel mild, but they say it is. I have to make a follow up with my other GI. My claircognizance is telling me that I need surgery, my body is screaming at me this fact but I can't get it out of some of my doctors.
By Iria Vasquez-Paez5 years ago in Psyche
Sanity
Viruses have been around for 1000 years. One thing can be guaranteed, they are all deadly. Each has its own mortality rate. Some are deadlier than others. Viruses attack us from within and can kill us. Thankfully though because of our medical advancements. The mortality rate has gone down. So no matter what comes, we have a better chance to live. But what if a virus comes that we didn't see coming? A virus that can kill and for certain people have long term effects. The best way to deal with it before it gets worse is to stay locked down. Stay away from your families. Don't hug, high five, kiss, or even come close to touch people. Just imagine if a terrible virus came like that nowadays. Think about how lost we would be. Well, that virus came this year and is still here. What was the best solution for it? Stay locked down or stay at home as the medical experts say. They believed it would work. But it didn't because people still died and got sick. Money was lost, jobs were lost and family remembers were lost. But the biggest thing most of us lost was something we take for granted. That thing some of us lost was our sanity. Most of us became insane and lost our minds. Months have gone by and people are still insane. Some of our sanity is beginning to come back. But just like many of us lost our sanity. It will take time to get back. Maybe months or even a year. Hopefully, with all the good news coming out, the minds of people come back. Our sanity returns and we come better mentally. Smile and realize that our past lives weren't so bad after all. The after-effects of lockdowns got to everyone. By losing your sanity, you go crazy. Many people this past year have gone crazy. Crimes have gone up because of it. Alcoholism and addictions in general have gone up. But the thing that has gone up the most is suicides. That is how crazy the world has become. Some have just chosen not to live in it anymore. Surrendering to the cold world we live in. To think that is how bad the world has gotten. Is it the sad reality we live in? In which some just don't wanna live in it. It is not because they were weak, it is because there was just too much stress to contain in one brain that the poor souls felt they had no choice. We all have a choice but it all leads back to what most lost. To become insane is an odd experience that is filled with panic attacks, weird thoughts, and explainable reactions to the littlest of things. This all leads to some sort of addiction. Those addictions could be alcoholism, addiction to pills, cutting, eating, the addictions that the lockdowns lead to are endless. The loss of sanity seemed and still seems to be endless as more lockdowns start. The fact of the matter is, did lockdowns help? People ultimately have free will. Some chose not to wear masks and go to big gatherings. Thus spreading the virus more and more. The cycle of the never-ending virus continues. But that is the society we live in. Those who don't listen might not care and still be fine. While others suffer within because of them. Will the next year bring something new? Some kind of hope that people can hold on to and never let go. Regain the sanity that was lost and hopes the mental battle this virus started ends. 100 years ago when there was a deadly virus, people got over it. They had no technology. The virus will be gone one day. This means the time to find that one thing, that we lost can return. It will take time for it to return. But the mental struggle will end, people's sanity can return. One day smiles again and is able to live in a normal world. Not just normal but maybe better.
By michael murillo5 years ago in Psyche
There is life after Sexual Trauma
I am a woman now at the age of 41, but my trauma started at age 9. I loved spending the summer with my Granny and Papa because it meant I got to drive the riding mower or pickup out to check on the cows. I got to be a free spirited little girl with the world at my fingertips. All the girls in my family was always told to not sit on Papa's lap or watch out for Jay when he is drinking and as an innocent soul I didn't know why. Now I do. My grandfather sexually abused me from the age of 9 to 12. Every summer. He said it was how he showed his love but even at such a young age I knew that was not love. Love does not make you feel that way. It first started with him just touching me on top of my clothes and by the time I got my voice and said no my innocence was gone. He would let me drive the pickup to the store to get me alone and secluded from everyone so he could touch me and when I would tell him no he would force his hands down my pants. One summer he created a project for me to do with him so that he would insure that I would be alone with him for hours in his shop. There was an old 50's model Mack dump truck that needed to be restored. I remember being so proud when he asked me to help him and he would name the truck Rachel, after me. I also remember sanding the rust off and getting it ready to be painted as Papa was under the hood working on the motor. It took all summer, many hours of being alone with that evil man. Every time that I looked at "Rachel" throughout my life I would get physically sick thinking of the horrors that I had to endure to get the right to have that truck named after me. Now, every time I go back home to visit and drive that damn truck I think of how much I have changed, grown, and moved on from that timid little girl to a strong woman with a voice. This was not an easy task by any means. I have years of counseling, therapy, depression, anxiety, nightmares, thoughts of suicide, self destructive behavior, battling addictions and demons, but I am whole again. I've learned who I am, that the trauma in my life does not define my life. Even after he was incarcerated for sexually abusing 6 little girls in the neighborhood the family stood behind him. We would go on family visitation days to the prison and Granny would have this delicious homemade food all in clear containers so we could bring the food into the prison. The other inmates who looked after Jay would always get to eat with the family too. You see I never told anyone about those summers except for my sisters best friend when I was 12. I was 14 when he went to prison. My friend told her mom who told her friend who was my other Granny's hairdresser who asked her how I was handling Jay's trial. That was how my family found out...thru the grapevine. By then I was already showing signs of severe depression and couldn't think of a time when I was ever really happy. I didn't feel anything but soul wrenching despair that was so strong my heart constantly hurt and was always on the verge of tears. My mom always had us involved in the local church and I was able to be a normal teenager when I was there but youth group couldn't last forever. I had to go home to my thoughts. My thoughts were about to break me when I found out that I could write my emotions out into poems. I was actually pretty good at it and I felt a tiny bit lighter every time a journaled or wrote down my feelings and emotions. I was healing but didn't know it. Now, as I sit here writing this, telling my story, I realized not only am I healed but I have never written down that story. I've played it out millions of times in my head. I've criticized myself for not saying anything and maybe those other 6 girls may have been saved from his horrific actions. He was an old man that only had one leg but he destroyed so many girls lives. He supposedly was saved by Jesus and now a Christian man when he was released from prison on his deathbed. I was 20 and found myself with no where to go so Granny took me in until I could get on my feet. Granny was a true angel from heaven who I love so much still today. She is the kindest most generous person I know. She is from the era that you stand by your man no matter what, and you never betray family.(ironic I know) I was grateful but a little scared of being around him. One night they went to bed and I was watching TV, I had alot of restless nights where my mind would not shut off. I heard him get up and heard his wheelchair take him to the bathroom. Before I knew it he was next to me in his wheelchair and reached out and grabbed my boob and said how they got bigger than before. Well I wasn't that timid little girl from before either. I looked him straight in the eyes and let him know how much of a sick man that I thought he was. I got to tell him he would never touch me again and if he did it would be the last thing he would do alive. He hung his head and wheeled into the dining room to have a cigarette and that was the last time a saw or spoke to him again. I moved away from my hometown and fell in love and got married and had kids of my own by the time he finally died. I did not travel back for his funeral, I did not mourn the loss of him. My kids will never know the evilness of Jay. I'm grateful for that. I will never be able to know what my life would be like if I didn't live with CPTSD from long term exposure to childhood trauma, but I wouldn't be this strong either. There is life after sexual trauma.
By Rachel Isom5 years ago in Psyche
