Killing Doubt

Ten minutes.

That’s all I am given.

Ten. Minutes.

Ten minutes to pull the trigger. The gun weighs in my hand, freezing my fingers. It’s cold. Why is it so cold?

Because it has no life, it exists to take lives.

I stare at him. At me. But not really me. I don’t know. It’s confusing.

His name is Tobias, my name is Talia.

I am Talia, not Tobias.

When he is asleep, I am me. I know everything he did and everything he felt.

I am told to choose. Although, I do not wish to choose. I do not want to pull the trigger. I do not want to say goodbye to him.

In a locked room, you sometimes feel trapped. I usually will feel trapped. But not right now. Right now, I want to be in a locked room, or a locked closet, or a locked box. I want to say goodbye to all my problems, and hide in the most minuscule space I can fit in. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to pull the trigger.

But I have to. I must. Nobody else has this condition, of being two people, at different times. Nobody else is two different genders. I am the only one. That is what they all told me. The people in masks. Nobody else is like me, and to leave the locked room, I must pull the trigger.

Blip.

The digital clock on the wall warns me of the time slipping through my fingers.

I look at it.

Nine minutes. Counting.

Nine minutes until I must make the choice.

Nine minutes until he wakes up.

Nine minutes until my eyelids fall close, and my body goes limp, and I will be in him.

Tobias.

And Tobias will know what I was thinking.

He will know I had to shoot him.

He will feel betrayed and confused.

But he will be me.

And I will feel betrayed and confused at myself.

This is very complicated. It makes my brain hurt.

I shiver. The hospital gown the people in the masks gave me is threadbare and not warm enough. Also, the ground is too cold. It freezes my bare feet.

I’ve lived in this hospital for as long as I can remember. It is for “other people’s safety.”

I bite my lip.

Other people’s safety.

The people in the masks said people out there are “afraid” of me. Because I am different, and difference is dangerous. When people turn out differently they may do different things that may harm other people. That is the explanation the people in the masks told me.

But why?

Why are people afraid of me? Having two bodies, how does that hurt someone else?

Blip.

Eight minutes.

Eight minutes left.

I must do it.

I am different.

I am dangerous.

I must be normal.

I must be safe.

But…

I must say goodbye.

I clear my throat.

The people in the masks are watching from the two-way window. But I don’t care.

“Tobias.”

I pause, trying to swallow the orange in my throat.

“Tobias, I’m sorry.”

I grip the butt of the gun, my finger off the trigger.

“I need to let you go.”

Tobias mutters in his sleep. I think it’s my name. I blink hard.

“I can’t be you anymore.”

My hands are shaking.

"I'm sorry."

I’m shaking all over now. The tears are real, sliding down my face.

Blip.

Seven minutes.

I let out a little sob.

I shift my hand on the gun, bringing it level to Tobais’s sleeping body.

I’m shaking too much. I need to stop shaking, or I’ll miss.

I grip the gun, hard, with both hands, trying to stop the shaking, but it doesn’t work.

My vision is blurry with tears. I blink them out of my eyes.

But they still…

Keep…

Coming.

I take one hand off the gun, to wipe at my eyes.

My head starts an internal battle.

Shoot.

No.

Shoot!

No!

Just shoot! It will all be over once you take the shot!

“No! God dammit, no! I can’t! I just can’t!” I scream out loud.

Shaking, trembling, too much. Why do I shake so much?

Blip.

Six minutes.

But then, something unexpected happens.

My eyes start to feel heavy.

My body feels weak.

And Tobias’s body just feels right. It feels more like me.

My eyes fall shut. My body collapses .

Blip

My eyes shoot open.

I’m laying down on a rough cot. It’s cold. Why am I wearing a hospital gown?

Suddenly, it all comes flooding back to me.

I sit bolt upright, blinking in the harsh white light of the room.

There is Talia, lying on the floor, the gun held loosely in her hand.

I am now Tobias. I’m not Talia anymore.

I get up from the cot and turn to look at the clock on the wall.

Five minutes.

But what? Five minutes to do… what?

I am now Tobias, I changed. What am I to do?

A harsh voice abruptly rings out in the room.

“Tobias. You have five minutes. Choose which one you want.”

Choose?

What does that mean? I can’t choose. I’ve got as much control over it, as I have control over the wind.

What do I do?

I glance at the gun held in Talia’s hand.

And it dawns on me.

“Now way.” I say out loud, glancing at the one-way mirror. “You-you can’t be serious.”

No response.

“I can’t! Talia couldn’t shoot me! I can’t shoot her!”

No response.

Blip.

Four minutes.

I groan in frustration.

Many people would think the solution is easy. In theory, if I shoot Talia, I stay in this body.

I wouldn't have to worry about womanly problems like periods and birth.

But it’s really not that easy.

Talia can grow up and have children she cares for. She can look at her first born baby with pride.

She is a girl. She likes being a girl. She likes her body. It is her. She feels right in it.

But I am also her, so I feel right in it. I am right in it.

But not right now.

I would not want to be her right now.

Blip.

Three minutes.

My mind is racing. But I do know one solid thing.

Being Talia, right now is like putting on skin that feels too tight. It’s like writing with my right hand when I’m left-handed.

Shooting Talia would be like trying to bend my pinky finger down without moving my ring finger.

I can’t do it.

It’s not possible for me.

I can’t shoot her.

Because my instincts go against it.

I know Talia will wake up again, and I will be her.

There is no stopping it, no denying it. It’s what will happen.

And Talia will be happy in that body.

But then I think of something totally different.

I will be happy in that body.

Blip.

Two minutes.

I will be happy in that body. But I am happy in this body right now.

We are two people.

But we are one person.

We are not separate.

We are one.

We may be changing. We may be fluctuating. But we are one person.

I cannot shoot Talia.

Because I would be shooting me.

I glare at the two-way mirror.

I walk over to Talia and pick up the gun, with trembling fingers.

I am one human. But I am also two genders, two bodies. I may not be Talia right now, but I will be, there's no denying it, no stopping it.

The only thing keeping me from that realization... is them. The people on the other side of the two way mirror. The doctors who tell me people are afraid of me.

But that is silly. Being two bodies, two genders. Sure, it's different. But people are only scared of dangerous things. And being two bodies is not dangerous.

It's just... different.

Blip.

One minute.

My fingers stop trembling. I hold the gun in steady hands.

I stop shaking.

I stop questioning.

I know now.

This is who I am. Fluid, changing, fluctuating.

Like a river.

I will flow wherever I take myself.

I will be whoever I want to be.

I am both Tobias and Talia.

Blip.

Zero.

“Tobias. Have you chosen who will die?”

I glare at the two-way mirror.

“Yes.” I say. “You will.”

I raise the gun…

And fire.

* * *

When I shot I closed my eyes.

Glass flew everywhere, sparkling shards spraying the masked people.

I walk through the window, in a sort of daze.

However when I walk through, I only see one masked person.

They sag in their chair, ragged breathing.

My shot hit them.

“Who are you?” I ask. “What is under the mask?”

They hesitate. Then, “Nothing is under the mask… except Doubt.”

I walk over to them, and lean down, so I am level with them.

I reach up.

And take their mask off.

But nothing is underneath.

Nothing.

For when Doubt is killed, nothing is left.

Nothing is left.

But me.

I am free.

___________

Hello! This is Centery! I kind of wanted to make clear what this story is about. It's a story about finding yourself. For me, it was about finding my gender. I'm gender-flux. It means my gender fluctuates in intensities. Kind of like a pie chart. Some percentage of girl, some percentage of boy, some percentage of both, and none, and genders I can't really identify. Kind of like Talia and Tobias, I was conflicted for a long time. I didn't know who I was, what I was, and what my own gender was. Now, I'm pretty sure, but hey, things change, bodies change, and genders change. I'm still discovering myself, still trying to find myself out. I wrote this story to show that, even though I'm discovering myself, I'm not going to be doubtful of my gender anymore. I'm going to be proud of who I am, even if I am unsure of my gender. I hope this story inspires people to kill their doubt and help them find out, that even if they don't know, or are unsure of their gender, they will find it eventually. Love yourself! Thank you for reading!