Journal Entry 1

It was quite simple for a while.

Get up. get dressed. put my face on. act normal.

Nobody seemed to notice a thing, hell, not even i noticed.

Id spend my days hanging out with my daughter; we would go running, playing at the park, dancing in the living room, walking anywhere our hearts desired. We were unstoppable.

Or so i thought...

One minute you feel like your on top of the whole world, then suddenly, somebody is calling an ambulance for you because your resting heart rate is sitting at 160 BPM...

All I remember is being scared, i seriously thought it was all over. I thought I was going to die and leave behind my beautiful daughter. She's three... She needs me.. I need her.

That was back in May.. its now October, almost November.

I am still not fully well..

The doctors all say I have severe anxiety disorder. I have a hard time leaving the house, a hard time keeping evil thoughts at bay. It is almost impossible for me to function like a normal human being.

The doctors have yet to find a medication that i don't have a messed up reaction to. Seroquel, Latuda, Prozac, Zoloft, Clonazepam... the list goes on and on. everything makes my anxiety worse it seems.

The hardest part is managing a NEW anxiety.. ive never been like this before. Its like i cannot breath. My throat feels funny, like its swollen. my head feels like its not getting enough oxygen, yet i know im breathing. I start to feel like there is electricity throughout my body, yet i remain calm on the outside. and the worst part is my heart, it litterally feels like its dying. Sharp pains going from my chest down to my fingertips, blurred vision and confusion, then the really hard to control breathing...

Back in June I had a miscarriage, shortly after that they told me that i had cervical precancer. They did the procedures to take care of everything, but nobody seems to understand whats wrong with me... Its all just anxiety right?

When i eat something wrong, i spit up blood, My stomach hurts excruciatingly, my migraines are back, my entire left side (and occasionally) my right side starts to tingle from top to bottom, face to feet. Oh and did i mention they found ovarian cysts? My turrets comes and goes, but when its back, its bad. I tend to feel quite faint and dizzy a lot. oh, and i have not passed a stress test yet... but its all anxiety right?

i have great days where I start to believe i can go back to work and everything, then the next week hits and my entire body is in pain and my chest hurts again.. oh and I'm vitamin D deficient. (That causes a lot of the body aches.)

In the past 6 months I've had: echocardiogram, 2 heart monitors, MRI on my head, 2 CT scans on my abdomen, endoscopy, internal and external ultrasounds on my uterus and ovaries, ultrasound on my throat (swollen lymph nodes), and much more including numerous amounts of blood tests.

My heart doctor has told me I'm "sensitive" and my heart is fine. 2 different psychiatrists have told me they don't think I have anxiety disorder to the extent my doctor seems to believe it is.

So today I read a book to my daughter... Pain in my chest and back, going down my left arm and into my fingertips. on a new medication that makes it much worse than it was... My resting heart rates sits rather high today at 85-95 bpm. I have been told I have ovarian cysts, stomach ulcers, swollen lymph nodes, and possible nerve damage. most of all I have severe anxiety.

L.G.