I Thought My Husband Had a Good Reason to Avoid Sex. Then I Saw Something I Wish I Hadn’t.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have been married for three years, and in that time we have had sex exactly four times. While we were dating he said he preferred to wait, and I was willing to respect that. I have spent the time since our wedding night wondering why he has so little interest in me; nearly all my attempts to get him to have sex ended in rejection. The only times we had sex were on our wedding night, our first two anniversaries, and my birthday back in February.

A month ago, my husband claimed to be asexual and told me I was free to pursue an open marriage if I wanted. He refused my request for us to attend counseling and I have been weighing my options as to whether I want to remain married to him or take him up on his offer to allow me to see other people. Then two nights ago I discovered him masturbating to online porn. He didn’t hear me approaching and I left the room before he noticed I was there. Do asexual people masturbate? Part of me is now questioning whether he was telling me the truth about his lack of desire for sex. Should I confront him?

—Apparently It Does Work

Dear Apparently It Does Work,

To get the basics out of the way: Yes, some asexual people masturbate. Hell, some asexual people have sex. Their genitals often “work” (to reference your sign-off) in the way allosexual people’s genitals “work”—that is, they show signs of physical arousal like erections and wetness. What distinguishes asexuals, broadly speaking, is that they lack sexual attraction. What this means, according to Angela Chen, author of Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, is: “the desire to have sex with a specific person for physical reasons. Sexual attraction can be instantaneous and involuntary: a heightened awareness, a physical alertness combined with mental wanting.”

Because this concept can be foreign to people who think asexuality simply means not having sex of any sort (be it partnered or solo), Chen fleshes out what asexuality actually looks like with partnered/solo sex. She cites an ace source, “Sarah,” who has masturbated since she was young and reports that when she masturbates, “attraction does not factor into it at all for me.” Chen continues:

Sex drive—that which may prompt someone to masturbate—is different than sexual attraction. Chen explains the contrast via food metaphor: “A person can feel physiological hunger, which would be like sex drive, without craving a specific dish, which would be more like sexual attraction.”

In light of the above-quoted comments from Sarah, you may still be wondering why someone who says they lack sexual attraction may still seek out porn. Asexuality is not monolithic so there are a variety of potential reasons. In this thread on r/asexuality, various respondents give their reasons, including being into the situation (and not necessarily the people in the situation), empathy, the dopamine hit from porn, and simple response to stimuli. Again, arousal is not attraction. “It feels good to hear / see other people feeling good,” explained one Redditor. “It’s sort of like how listening to upbeat music makes you happy, and how you might listen to it specifically for that reason. Just sets the mood I guess?” You should also be aware that there are people on the ace spectrum who may feel sexual attraction but don’t have the desire to act on it—they’re known as aegosexual.