I Live With Telephone Phobia Every Day!

Warning: Contains some distressing themes.

I never used to have a problem using the telephone. When I was in my teens, there was nothing I enjoyed more than the dramatic ring of our bright red Bakelite. To me, it was a very welcoming and social sound.

Our family phone (no mobiles in those days!) sat in the hallway opposite my bedroom. When it rang, I would practically dive from my bedroom door and rugby tackle it while my older sister tried to get there before me.

She hated me being on the phone to my friends just in case her boyfriend called. I was always chatting for ages, so I guess I can see her point now that I'm much older. But what can I say; we were just typical siblings at war …

‘Ha! Too late Sis! Should've chosen the downstairs bedroom when you had the chance,’ I teased.

But fast forward 35 years and it’s a very different story. No longer do I crave the sound of the phone ringing. No longer do I associate it with pleasure or friendship. For the phone has now taken my soul!

Now when it rings (or should I say vibrates) this is what happens every single time without fail …

My heart begins to pound and my eyes pulse and blur. My legs turn to jelly and my hands start to shake. I wonder who it is and if they have bad news to tell. Is it my daughters school saying she’s had an accident? Is it a debt collection agency saying I owe them money? Is it the Tax Office trying to fleece me! Has someone died. My Mum? My Dad? My Son?!!

I fumble up the phone and it drops to the floor. I pick it up again and my voice quivers as I answer, preparing for the worst. It's the company I use for solid fule asking if I want to re-order. I'm a complete wreck but breathe a sigh of relief. Until next time!

All sounds very overdramatic doesn’t it? But it is also extremely honest. My overreaction to the phone ringing is likely attached to the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that ended my long career in the emergency services. I literally spent years answering phone calls to people in distress. Now I believe they have triggered mine too …

Sometimes they would scream and I would have to calm them down. Sometimes they would swear and even threaten me with violence. Sometimes they would cry to me while slicing their arms with razors.

Sometimes they were trapped inside a burning car or building.

Sometimes my voice was the last they would hear.

I’ve had lots of treatment for my PTSD. But my fight or flight response to a phone call this morning has again reminded me I am far from fixed. My last therapist warned me that PTSD would be something I live with. No amount of time will take away the trauma I witnessed. I fear she may be right.

Just being able to share my story with you today is good therapy for me. I recognise what’s causing my telephone phobia and I know that I’m not going mad. I will just have to deal with it one day at a time, one therapist at a time and one phone call at a time.

So until I’m cured. Please email or text!

Thanks for reading

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Originally published at https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/i-live-with-telephone-phobia-every-day-cf2ca4a5ebf4