I Can't Even Go to The Mailbox Anymore

Almost every day for the past few months, (I don't even know how long it's been) I have been telling myself that I need to go to the mailbox. I just can't. Every time I think about it, I make an excuse:

"Oh, my hair is too messy."

"I don't have anything clean to wear."

"I look too fat today."

To you this may seem like a joke, but at the time of these thoughts, I believe that they are legitimate reasons not to take 3 minutes out of my day to walk to the mailbox. This cycle of thoughts happens multiple times throughout the day, until I finally stop debating with myself, go to sleep, and do it all again the next day.

The main reason I don't want to go out there is I feel watched and stalked. I feel like I am on the Truman Show. If you do not know what that is, it's a 1998 film directed by Peter Weir and starring Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey plays a character named Truman Burbank who discovers that he had been the subject of a hidden camera television show for his entire life. That's how I feel when I go outside. I feel like everyone is an actor in street theater, and someone may be taking pictures of me and sharing them secretly somewhere on the internet.

I will not go into great detail about this yet because if I do, I will have to go off subject and the purpose of this entry is to focus on the Agoraphobia side of my story. Part of the reason I feel watched is the kind of community I live in. I live in a little townhome apartment that is attached to other townhome apartments. It is on a residential property with hundreds of units. Everyone lives so close to each other that you can basically hear a pin drop in your neighbor's house, and when people are outside talking I can hear it so clearly, that it sounds like they are in my house. As I said before there is more to this and why it triggers me, but I will have to explain it in another entry.

I need to go to the mailbox.

My dad had a stroke in January. He is currently recovering at a rehabilitation center in Washington, DC. I live in North Carolina which is about four and a half hours away from him. Being that I am the eldest child living in the United States (I will also clarify this in another entry), and he is no longer married to my mother, I am in charge of him. Something I feel unfit to do but that's a whole different story.

His intake forms have not even been signed. They don't accept electronic signatures at the facility where he is staying, so they sent the forms to me via snail mail so that I can sign them and mail them back. That was a whole month ago. I have not been outside in at least a month and I am realizing it as I'm writing this. I feel that it's been longer than that, but I don't have anything besides my dad's intake forms that I can use to form a timeline. I know that I had not been out there for some time before they sent the email informing me that the forms would be mailed to me.

The last time I went outside, it was to take out the trash. I think that was over 2 months ago. It was a dark and cold night. The neighborhood was quiet. My thoughts were still running wild. I wondered if anyone could see me out of their window. I wondered if there was anyone sitting in their car in the residential parking lot. I wondered if someone else was a late-night trash disposer and if they'd walk up and startle me. I wondered if I could get to the dumpster, then to the mailbox, and back into my home before anyone else came outside. Whenever I do get the courage to go outside, it has to be late at night. I feel less seen at 4 am when most people are indoors and asleep. But lately, I haven't been able to go out at that time either. I make even more excuses.

Some people may see this as laziness but it's much much more concerning than that. I don't want to be seen by people. I want to avoid them as much as humanly possible. I want to be invisible. I don't want to see their eyes looking at me, I don't want to hear their opinions of me, and I don't want to hear their personal conversations. I get all of my groceries and other care supplies delivered to my door. If a package goes to my mailbox, it can end up sitting there for a very long time. One time, I didn't feel comfortable checking my mailbox until my sister who lives about 2 hours away came to visit me. I hadn't been outside in months.

Though I have survived this way for years now, it seems to be progressively getting worse in that I can't even bring myself to step out of my comfort zone unless it's absolutely necessary. For instance, my dad has a neurological check-up on the 18th, and I have to travel to DC to be there with him. I haven't seen him in person since February. I miss him dearly, but I am dreading this trip. It's the city where this all started.

My first real anxiety attack happened on a DC Metro train. I cried in front of all the other passengers. This happened more than once actually. The people all seemed to be looking at me and commenting on me. Everywhere that I went on public transportation I felt watched and bullied by strangers. But as I stated at the beginning of this entry I will have to explain that in more detail later.

Today, for the hundredth time, I looked up the symptoms of Agoraphobia, and whenever I do this, I feel it doesn't truly describe my situation. However, I do feel that I have this condition.

Mayo Clinic's 2017 article states:

"Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd."

Typical agoraphobia symptoms include fear of:

- Leaving home alone

- Crowds or waiting in line

- Enclosed spaces, such as movie theaters, elevators or small stores

- Open spaces, such as parking lots, bridges or malls

- Using public transportation, such as a bus, plane or train

These situations cause anxiety because you fear you won't be able to escape or find help if you start to feel panicked or have other disabling or embarrassing symptoms.

In addition:

- Fear or anxiety almost always results from exposure to the situation

- Your fear or anxiety is out of proportion to the actual danger of the situation

- You avoid the situation, you need a companion to go with you, or you endure the situation but are extremely distressed

- You experience significant distress or problems with social situations, work or other areas in your life because of the fear, anxiety or avoidance

- Your phobia and avoidance usually lasts six months or longer

The reason that I don't think that my symptoms totally line up with these findings is that I don't think it's fear. I'm not afraid, I'm extremely uncomfortable. So much that I don't want to feel that discomfort ever ever again. I also don't have the fear that I won't be able to escape or find help in the event that I need to. I do however feel mild anxiety in parking lots. I feel intense anxiety on public transportation, and I do feel much more comfortable leaving my home with someone else rather than being alone.

I live alone. So most of the time, I would have to exit my house alone. But if family comes over, I feel much more comfortable stepping outside with them than I do when I am alone. I've even considered putting my cat on a leash just so she can walk to the dumpster and mailbox with me, but I have this odd feeling of being watched, judged, and even photographed. So I haven't brought myself to do it.

Another reason I'm skeptical about whether I actually have this condition is sometime last year, I walked throughout the entire neighborhood every morning and/or evening for exercise for about 2 - 3 weeks straight. It was difficult to do. I felt watched, but my will to get back in shape overpowered my discomfort. Plus I had music blasting in my earbuds and that usually helps when I am feeling that way. Of course, the walks stopped abruptly because I just couldn't bring myself to go out there like that anymore. I forget what triggered me.

Tonight, I am going to try to go to the mailbox.

I have to check my mail finally, the documents in there are far too important for me to continue on like this. Plus, I have to take out the trash. I have to. I have been avoiding it for days now and it's got to go. This community charges $25 per bag for every bag of trash that is on your balcony. I wish I could just get up, put on my shoes and do it right now. But it's 10 am and sunny. I've already heard multiple people talking outside and I just can't. I can't.

As I'm here writing this, I just heard a man say, "I always figured something happened to you that you don't remember. Like, you were blacked out or something." What type of person has this phone conversation outside? He is standing outside of a unit that is parallel to mine, and though the volume of his voice is considerably high, I still can't believe that this residential property is designed in such a way that I am able to hear him so clearly. He may as well be inside of my room with me right now.

Will I be able to make it to the mailbox tonight? We shall see.

[UPDATE: 4/10/22 @ 1:08 am]

It has been nearly 48 hours since I wrote this entry. I still have not gone outside. I thought about it constantly but still could not bring myself to go.

[UPDATE: 4/10/22 @ 4:36 pm]

Today, a reader of this blog contacted me and encouraged me to go to the mailbox. I don't know how she did it, but she convinced me to go. I made it to the dumpster to take out my trash. I made it to the mailbox, and back to the apartment in broad daylight. I haven't been able to do that in months. Literally months. I did have an anxiety attack. I experienced an accelerated heart rate and shortness of breath, but I made it. I just want to thank her for the encouragement, the lack of judgment, and just flat-out kindness. If you're reading this, you know who you are! Thank you!

I still have a long way to go, but getting out there today just shows what the support of others can do.

Love above all,

Kandis

References:

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2017, November 18). Agoraphobia. Mayo Clinic. Retrieved April 8, 2022, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/agoraphobia/symptoms-causes/syc-20355987