I am

I feel too much

I think too much

I want too much

In the violent ocean of my youth

waves of misguided passion knock me down

unrelenting forces drag me along the gravelly sea floor

and spit me out

scraped and battered

at the edge of becoming

Emotions sting like nettles

electrical shocks on every inch of skin and in every corner of my mind

I love so deeply

I hurt when they hurt

my heart a bloody mirror of all those I love

I worry so hard

it grinds deep grooves into my neural pathways

and my wagon of destiny cannot climb out of the ruts

worn deep by my self-fulfilling prophecies

I trip over a root

(A relationship ends in heartbreak)

I stub my toe on a rock

(A toxic friend takes and takes without giving)

I stumble over broken bottles

(I disappoint my parents)

I land on sharp gravel

(I fail to meet my own expectations)

I fall and fall and fall

through bludgeoning hail

acid rain storms

needle sharp pine trees

and land in a patch of brambles

I wear my bloody heart on my sleeve

and bleed and bleed until there's nothing left

I feel nothing

but it is not the peace I envisioned

Heavy boulders of depression cover me

making every breath a torture

compressing my heart

my shattered bones

a piercing emptiness in my soul

A thought echoes incessantly

bounces hollowly through suffocating dark chambers

I am unworthy

I am unlovable

I am unfixable

It feels unending

It feels unsurmountable

It feels inevitable

What would I do to feel anything but this?

I lie, broken

If I wait long enough

surely someone will fix me

or end my suffering

I have no preference either way

But then

I don't die

and I continue to not die

an hour, a day, a week, a month, years

It's both surprising and disappointing

I'm still alive

I know the pedestrian moment I decide to change

The movie A Beautiful Mind

and Russell Crowe puts an idea in my head

What if I could fix myself?

What if I can think myself into the person I want to be?

I feel small, and so I start small

I counter every negative thought with a small joy

You'll never find love or happiness

(A happy yellow buttercup)

You'll always be alone and unwanted

(Golden-orange rays of sun just before sunset)

You're despicable and unforgivable

(Fresh air after a heavy rain)

This is as good as it gets

(A lightning bug glowing at dusk)

As I replace every self-defeating thought

with a small thing of beauty

each lovely pebble slowly fills the rut

and I push my wagon

step by step

away from depression and towards possibility

It feels unnatural and insignificant

my tiny pebble of wonder

against the boulder of malevolent indifference

I slip back in the rut

the axle seizes

splinters of rough wood drive deep into the palms of my hands

I'm too exhausted to cry out

This is what I get for trying to better myself

This is the punishment for my audacity

Paralyzed by pain

I'm vulnerable to the rushing ambush

My deepest fears and the cold comfort of apathy

cut me with double-edged razors

of familiar falsehoods and empty promises

You'll never be worthy

You'll never be loved

You are irreparably broken

trash

useless

a waste

I am broken

I am weak

I am a failure

But at my core

at the bottom of the rut

I discover I am also

deeply

delightfully

unapologetically

Stubborn

And so I caress my thousand razor cuts

and use the oozing blood to lubricate my wagon's axles

I toss the thousand razors into the rut

and marvel at how they sparkle and shine in the sun

I push my mind's wagon out of the rut

beautiful bloody step

by beautiful bloody step

Every smile is a victory

every laugh is a battle cry

every breath fans the flames

of a soul that wants to live

I marvel at the revelation

I want to live

It took years to fall

and so it takes years to climb

I choose to endure more than I choose to suffer

I choose to love myself more than I choose to hate myself

I choose to try even knowing I will fail

With each choice

I learn to push my wagon over roots

over rocks

over broken bottles

My wagon does not get lighter

but I get stronger

I learn to appreciate

my strength

my humor

my compassion

my creativity

I learn to like myself

I learn to love myself

I learn to look up

One day, I look around

and see I've left the rut behind

Ahead I see

potholes of despair

squelching sucking stinking mud pits of anxiety

judgmental barbed wire traps

stormy clouds of doubt

But the sun's bright rays of hope

bask me with the warmth of self-love

and the gentle breeze of gratitude

caresses my check with tender joy

Leaves of forgiveness and understanding

flutter in the breeze

their whispers vibrate

through every atom of my being

You are enough

You are beautiful

You are loved

You are worthy

You are unbreakable

My path forward is not certain

but I know with certainty

when I fall in a pit of despair

I will don my wings of hope

when I get stuck in the mud of anxiety

I will throw myself a vine of understanding

I'll blanket the sharp barbed wire of judgment with graciousness

and shelter from the storm of doubt under my umbrella of self-confidence

I can love and be loved

I can choose my own path

I can accept myself for who I am

I will tend to my wagon

sand the splinters from the wood

heal the wounds to my heart and mind

wash away the blood and dirt of the past

and push towards the infinite future

I am my own savior

I am the beauty in the world

I am what I think myself to be