How To Make Friends With One Simple Thing

It seems that most of us want to make friends, but find it difficult, as revealed by a Pew Research Center study which found that 72% of adults say it is 'somewhat' or 'very important' to have close friends, but only 44% say it is easy to make new friends. Our ability to make friends seem to depend on our personality, especially as some people are naturally more outgoing, confident, friendly, and good at putting others at ease which tend to draw others to them. Others who are introverted may find it more difficult to put themselves out there.

The reasons for wanting to make friends vary a great deal, the most common ones being for:

• Social support
• Companionship
• Sharing activities
• Help to achieve goals

Needless to say, there are many challenges to making friends, which include a lack of time, lack of opportunities, shyness or social anxiety, a feeling of not fitting in and fear of rejection. But there are things we can do to make it easier to make friends, which include being open to meeting new people, putting ourselves in social situations, and just being ourselves.

However, before you even think of making new friends, you need to be aware that the most crucial ingredient of any interaction between two people is the other person. Not you! Your needs come second in any new meeting. If the other person (especially a date) is approaching in a similar caring way, that promises to be a great friendship!

Often we meet someone who seems really exciting. We begin to chat to them, and take an interest in them, but, somehow, everything falls flat as we slowly realise that we are really getting nowhere fast, despite the best intentions on both sides. The big problem is likely to be the actual conversation.

You might be genuinely interested and show that interest, but if you ask someone a question about herself, and she replies by going on and on, perhaps because she is not interested in you, she is nervous, or she just wants to talk about herself, that will be a very boring conversation. Research has shown that the average person has an attention span of just 90 seconds, before they start to drift. It is longer when they are really stimulated by the subject matter. If the conversation seems to be stalling, it’s because the attention has waned.

Yet it does not take a great deal of skill to have really interesting conversations and make some useful connections at the same time. In fact, all it takes to connect meaningfully when we meet a stranger is the ability to ask varying questions about THEM. Using non-threatening questions liberally in a conversation ensures that you have the attention of your listener, and you will keep that attention, especially if the question is relevant to their interests, achievements or aspirations, if they are not too open-ended and are positive. So long as you ask a question, you will encourage a response and, if he asks you a question in return, you have the foundations for rapidly finding out about each other in the most satisfying way possible: through mutual curiosity and admiration.

Questions in a conversation are like a tennis game. You pass the ball (question) to your party and they pass it briskly back in the form of a response. Then you return it equally quickly to keep the game in play. The ball, in our quest for a date, refers to each question we ask others to reflect our curiosity. With many people being rather self-centred, they cannot see that connection, and the one-way attempt at interact makes it difficult to sustain a dialogue, let alone any kind of relationship. Where one person hangs on to that ball (ask no questions), or play it unfairly (just making statements and talking forever), that’s a very boring game. Not much enjoyment will come from it because there is little opportunity to play and exhibit your skill (give information or react to what you hear).

Courage In Approaching Others

Having said that, you have to find the courage to ask the questions in the first place!

It seems a difficult process, speaking to strangers, especially when we are seeking soulmates. But wishing, hoping and dreaming about finding our ideal partner, without any form of strategy tends to lead nowhere. Serious people do not leave everything to chance. They try their utmost to increase the possibilities of meeting that ideal person by doing something about it, even if it is to strike up a simple conversation. A lack of interest in others, exaggerated fears, a need for approval, a focus on ourselves and social protocol (especially for women) make it hard for us to communicate, or use our initiative, to bridge that gap with a stranger.

For example, a man at a club once said that he didn’t ask me to dance because he feared rejection. But he lost the possibility of acceptance, too, by doing nothing! Another day, I was in the local car park in my town and saw a shy-looking man gazing at me intently. He went on his business, returned to the car park at the same time as I did, and continued to stare at me, hoping I would probably indicate some form of acceptance. He was quite appealing and I exchanged eye contact but said nothing. He drove off soon afterward, again lacking the courage to make a move towards me. I often wondered about him, who he was and where he was going, and I am sure he wondered about me, too. But when we make no effort in such situations, nothing ever happens.

I was not afraid to speak to that man in the car park. I was single and available. In fact, I never engage prolonged eye-contact with anyone unless I really want to talk to them. However, even though I responded to his gaze, the social brainwashing of a man being expected to make the first move took hold of me as I looked at him and did nothing. His fear of my rejection prevented him doing nothing, too. Result: Opportunity lost.

For this reason, for fear of our actions being misinterpreted and because of the perfection we seek, people now suffer even more isolation, each person lacking the courage to make a move while they drift further apart in the selection process, remaining on their own for much longer. In fact, at another social club, a man walked in and took up a position leaning against a wall. He never left that position for the rest of the night, not even to get some drinks. He looked sad, lonely and dejected and everyone ignored him. I wondered why he bothered to come out of his house if he wanted to just exchange one wall for another! But that’s what fear and low self-esteem do for us. They rob us of opportunities to join the human race.

Another limiting factor is that too many people believe there is only one partner in this world who is ideal for them. But that has no basis in fact. If that were the case, we would not meet and fall in love on multiple occasions with very successful results. Our love life would be finished, once our first partner leaves the scene! It is our narrow vision of acceptability, the low expectations we carry, the lack of skills in wooing others, and the preoccupation with being hurt rather than being loved, which keep us without any partners or stuck in negative relationships.

In summary, if you have wondered why you didn’t make an impression on that guy or gal you were hoping to nab, or why conversations seem to go flat when you participate, it could be because your nervousness caused you to ramble on about yourself, to become tongue-tied or to miss a golden opportunity to ask a key question about your party to show your interest.

Next time you meet someone new, try plucking up the courage to ask just one question about them with genuine interest and see the difference. If you’re not sure what to say, work out simple but interesting questions beforehand, which could relate to the weather, an event, perhaps to something unusual about them, or anything that is positive. Your life could change from that moment with that single effort!

RELATED PODCAST: How To Work Up The Courage To Ask Someone Out

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