How to Heal from a Narcissist

Few years back I got out of an abusive relationship.

The whole experience was the most amazing life lesson in my life and I am so grateful for it.

Here is why.

1. Life Did Not Happen to Me, Life Happens For Me

We came to this world by our own choice, looking to expand and grow.

The universe is constantly seeking ways to expand and reinvent itself through our eyes.

Life is not just a timeline that happens to us. Our life is who we are and every experience that we have is a wonderful collection of impressions and moments that contribute to our wisdom and power and our creative potential. My life is me. I own every moment of my life.

I used to look at my life as a series of events on a timeline, classified as good or bad experiences, more or less desirable by the standards of society, or people that surround me.

2. When a Single Bad Scenario Keeps Reoccurring in your Life — its a Loud Message from Your Higher Self

I had a series of failed relationships since I was 16.

That is bad. It is unfortunate. Such a beautiful and smart girl and can’t find a decent man. What a pity, I would hear my friends say and knew what my family members would think. I was ashamed of myself, but kept pushing it deep down. Refusing to look at it.

What unpleasant situation is persistently repeating in your life preventing you from fulfilling your dreams? Is it constant pain? Is it abusive and unbalanced relationships? Is it bad moods that you cannot shake off for weeks and sometimes months?

Each one is a reality to face with both eyes open. And dig out the reasons, the underlying beliefs that are stirring in the depths of our subconsciousness.

We often choose to close our inner eyes, withdraw from the bad experience, play the victim mentality LP and carry on until it happens next time.

For me, all those relationships were boiling down to the same thing, I was quarreling with my boyfriends, and seemed to chose partners that were not a good fit.

Was it circumstantial? Was it a series of unfortunate coincidences?

Of course not.

It was my subconscious trying to sort out the basic issue I was faced with when I was growing up.

Only when I started being compassionate to myself and owned the experiences that I had I could understand and move on. What does it mean to own? It means to be mindfully aware of how the situation you are in is making you feel.

It wasn’t making me happy. Those relationships did not tap into my genius, into my creativity, and my love.

The relationships were there because I thought I needed a relationship to be accepted by society.

I thought the relationships were empowering me.

They were not, I was giving away my power.

3. Physical Pain and Inner Turbulence are a Wake Up Call

I was in love very much with my new boyfriend but subconsciously I was terrified to be on my own. I was afraid I am not good enough to succeed on my own.

As Martin P Seligman states in his book “What you can change and What You Can’t” disclosing research about mental diseases of today’s modern world, women have the highest prevalence of being depressed —marked by feelings of individual failure and unrealized steps to grow their own power.

The reasons according to research is the learned helplessness of women. While men are raised to be self-reliant, active and resilient, women are taught to be passive and helpless. Also culture depreciates the role of wife, mother and gives women less credit for their work compared to men.

So finally, this time, the relationship was my ultimate eyeopener.

I was seriously committed to a relationship with an aggressive partner.

I was living with a partner that was yelling at me, constantly being annoyed at me, occasionally slapping me across my face when I didn’t obey his wishes.

He was ignoring my appointments with others, not respecting my time, my feelings. And so on.

During the time we were together I was doing my morning routine, meditating, eating well, learning to develop my work and coaching career and loyal to building my relationship at the same time.

You will never get married if this one doesn’t work, my mother told me seriously on a Skype call from Croatia six months ago, and I felt the pangs of failure creeping in my stomach. I had to make it work. Because of what other people may think (!!!).

What a bunch of nonsense.

The reality of the situation was that my natural inner wholeness was being chipped away at by being surrounded by daily negativity, anger and fighting.

Just like when I was a child.

4. Venting Anger is Damaging Everyone

My parents were often fighting, so I learned as a child its a part of normal relationship dynamic.

I learned it with my inner being, not with my brain.

Your body is your Subconscious Mind — says Candace Perth, a leading bestseller and neuroscientist.

And I was repeating it in my adult life in my intimate relationships. Subconsciously.

Seligman says research found parents fighting in front of children is likely to damage a child in a lasting way, causing long -term depression and pessimism.

Venting anger also does not diffuse the emotions in the person, venting anger just increases anger.

By expressing anger we train ourselves to do it more and more says Dalai Lama in his book The Art of Happiness.

Be mindful that needing to be right and expressing anger damages relationships and people. We are fragile beings, creators of our own reality, our crystalline structure needs love and kindness to thrive.

Seligman’s research results also show that neither genetic predisposition nor upbringing have the final say on how we choose to live our life, that it is exclusively up to the individual.

5. Loving Myself is no 1 Life Rule to Live By

Life is not a series of carefully planned events.

Go to school, grow up, get a job, get married. No, these are all just social constructs we try to fit in. To be accepted by society, to be respected by our friends and peers, to be liked. To be normal.

We’re taught at an early age that we’re not good enough. That someone else has to choose us in order for us to be…What? Blessed? Rich? Certified? Legitimized? Educated? Partnership material?

 — James Altucher (Choose Yourself)

The truth is, the most important person to like you is yourself.

We are not supposed to follow social norms, we are to follow our own life path as it unfolds, because that is precisely why we decided to have this Earth experience.

We are amazing beings, creators with a unique important purpose, each one of us.

It is a waste of energy to try to fit into the social norms and feel like a failure if we haven’t fulfilled other people’s expectations. They are not living your life, they are not in your body, in your shoes, feeling your emotions. Stop giving your power away to what somebody may think about you.

In truth people spend little or no time thinking about others — its a huge illusion. People actually do spend a lot of time thinking about oneself.

This life is yours, you chose it and you are creating your own reality.

My purpose here was to understand the laws of the universe, to understand what was in front of my eyes all my life to be able to get clarity on what i want and soar free like a bird, like a shooting star.

Not all relationships we chose to be in are to end up in marriage, some relationships are there to shed light on our patches of darkness hiding inside of us.

That’s why the only way to live this life well is to take it as it comes, without self-judgement, to accept it at face value and shed the illusions.

I had to understand anger and fighting are not a part of me.

Our nature is peaceful, loving, kind. Our nature is pure, perfect, untainted energy of the universe.

Our nature is the energy of all creation, the magnificent, creative force galaxies are made of.

We are creators.

We get to choose how we accept to be treated.

Its never too late to change, to nail your life. It doesn’t matter when we do it, how old we are. Louise Hay had to fight cancer to start helping others when she was in her 60s.

If my mom was treating me with anger, trying to control my actions, trying to shape my inner nature to fit the norms, treating me as unworthy if I failed to achieve what society thinks is good. It was because of her own distorted view of reality, its because of her own story.

By choosing to leave the abusive relationship, despite all the promises it held, the beautiful house, the kind in-laws, the ultimate acceptance by society — I made a FINAL STEP to chose myself. At the age of 39.

So by seeing what I did not want, what was hurting me, I sorted out the contrast, as Abraham Hicks would say. I sifted and sorted and realized what kind of partner I do want. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, the warm glow of love pulling me.

The desire that is born out of the contrast. That desire. That wanting. That’s what summons the Life Force. Abraham Hicks

Life is here to support us in every way to get what we truly want. If we decide to focus on this attitude, all we actually need is to get clarity on what we really want.

Because I am worthy of all the love in this world, I am worthy of great things, I am worthy to live this life by my own rules. I know I am worthy and I know I am enough, and I know life will award me with riches for being true to myself.

You can do it too.

I am grateful for this experience, I am grateful for all the players in the theater of life that made it happen, my parents, my boyfriend, I am grateful for my friends support during hard times, listening to me, providing safe a house.

I am grateful to this amazing creative force of the universe, that is keeping its steady gaze on me, loving me, supporting me, inspiring me, whispering beauty and magic to me. I am grateful for my own unique and amazing life journey.