How Gastroparesis Has Changed my Mind

I have struggled with anxiety and depression all my life. I thought I had a good handle on things. And then I was diagnosed with a chronic illness called gastroparesis. I was not prepared for the dive my head was about to take.

I was 20 years old, living with my boyfriend, playing nanny to my beautiful niece, and even though there were some low moments I had most of my mental health under control. Then I got sick. After a week my mother thought I was being dramatic and lazy. After two weeks everyone who knew I was sick believed I was pregnant and were making jokes. I was miserable! Not only was I nauseated 24/7 everyone around me were making assumptions and judgments. It wasn't until two months had passed that everyone realized something was wrong.

After two months I was finally diagnosed. At this point I was a mess. I had to remember all these new restrictions and guidelines for my condition as well as scheduled medication. I still felt like shit physically and was completely overwhelmed mentally. Two months ago I was a healthy 20 year old and now I was chronically ill. Chronically. As in FOREVER! The thoughts came flooding in.

My boyfriend is going to leave.

No one wants to be with someone chronically ill.

I'm just a burden to those around me.

I won't ever have a normal life.

How am I going to work like this?

They would not stop! Every time I thought about my diagnosis I cried. Every time someone tried to talk to me about it, I cried. I cried for a whole month before I could pull myself somewhat together. The whole time battling heavy fatigue brought on by my new medication and lack of nutrients. My mom only growing more irritated and less understanding by the day. I felt like everyone expected me to be good as new. I felt like everyone thought I was just being a lazy bum wanting to be waited on hand and foot. I felt like a burden. I felt guilty for being sick.

This cycle went on for months. My only joy was seeing my niece's smile. She was the only one who seemed happy to see me everyday. Slowly these feelings started swirling. They swirled and they swirled until they formed a black hole. And this black whole devoured me.

I began to doubt everything. Did "I love you" really mean he did? Did everyone in my life resent me for being unhealthy? Did they even believe I was unhealthy? My depression was so bad I fell back into self harm. My anxiety started preventing me from leaving my house. I could no longer drive my car. I panicked anytime I had to do something social. I lost friends. I lost any confidence had. I became a shell of a human just going through the bare minimum actions required for life.

Eventually that boyfriend did leave. He said I was too much for him and was dragging him down. It has been hard for me to believe anyone will stay ever since. My own mother told me he left me for being lazy and never accomplishing anything. Finding self worth in a body that doesn't even work can be very tricky.

I have now been living with gastroparesis for 4 years. I have some amazing people in my life who really do stay through hardship. My mental health is still rocky but I'm finding my way. The gastroparesis seems to be showing more symptoms lately and things have been hard. This has made my journey into step-motherhood harder than I expected. And with that comes many more worries and pains. I never want my boys to feel like I wasn't there.

Each day is a struggle and some hardly feel worth it, but all 3 of my babies make me want to push on. I stay strong and never quit trying for them. I am currently seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist and working with them to work through my dark times and make them less often. I just have to remember I am a warrior.