Going Dark

I had a conversation with a friend last night and it reminded me of a pattern of behavior from other people around me.

I was letting my friend know that I may not be very responsive in the next several days because of situations that I am dealing with in my life and they responded with the understanding that I am a busy person.

I have been informed of society's inference of the term "busy" means that it is code for "you are not a priority." And immediately felt really bad even though I don't think my friend meant it that way. It is also the reason that when someone else communicates that they are busy to me, I don't typically get the hint that I am not exactly welcome... but that is a slightly different issue where my first instinctive thoughts are that everyone will be as open and honest as I am - unless I am not in a good place and then I view everything as a trap: including the offer of a fist bump from friendly faces... lol

When I say that I am not available it has very little to do with you. Honestly, if it does have to do with you and I don't want you around, I don't try to beat around the bush or hint at it. I am very clear and to the point. I may occasionally attempt the subtleness that I have been told is key in social interactions, but it does not go well. Ever. Apparently I also lack the subtleness of my nonverbal communication, so even if I am saying the "right" thing... the truth is written all over my face that I really do not like you - at all. *sigh* But, maybe clear and explicit communication is best despite it making others so uncomfortable.

Anyway, back to what I mean when I let you know that I am may not be very responsive for a while. I am planning on simply not having the energy to engage with everything that I have to do and I don't want you to feel like I have "ghosted" you.

When I communicate this, it is not about you being an extra task that is the easiest thing to cut off. Honestly? If you do not get open communication about my availability looking like it is shrinking, you do not rank high enough for me to be too concerned about how you may be feeling about me ignoring your message. Translation? Without me communicating that to you, we are acquaintances, buddies, entry-level friends, professional colleague material, etc. We are not actually close friends in my book.

A note: Family is slightly different - in case any of my family members read this... and think that I don't care about them... they are on the opposite side of the equation: if they don't already worry on a regular basis, I don't want them to START worrying... and the close friends that have been with me long enough to simply wait for a message sans worry or have the option to easily stop by to check on me, I don't always message either - unless my plans involve being physically unavailable too! ;-)

When I am cutting back on where I expend my energy enough to let a friend know that I am doing so, it means that I am cutting back in other areas at the same time (or potentially prior to the communication). What other areas you may ask?

• My writing has likely stopped or massively slowed. I write so much more than gets published, so this is not always an obvious change.
• I have simplified meals, gotten disposable plates/bowls/silverware (if budget allows, otherwise I am quite likely using anything that could work for eating out of), I am re-wearing any clothing as much as possible to cut back on laundry energy, etc. I think you get the idea.
• I have cut back on self-care. I may not be taking the extra energy to wash my hair or skipping the conditioner. I have likely stopped remembering to use lip balm and lotion in the winter. I probably am not keeping my glasses as clean as I should be... and if I am to be very frank, I probably am utilizing a list for leaving the house in a presentable fashion: deodorant, hair brushed, and reasonably clean clothes that are not pajamas.
• I have cut back on my more "fun" social obligations. Like the virtual book club... or that crafting class that I signed up for months ago... or going for coffee with someone that hasn't made my actually friendship level yet.
• I have cut back on paperwork. Is it due in the next week? No? Then it is added to a pile that - if my stress does not go down - will also mean that in 2 weeks when it is due, it will remain in that pile and then I will feel very bad that I was so late in getting to it!
• I may have also cut back on necessary appointments. Which is fine for a week or maybe 2, but... long term? It isn't a solution for the problem.

These are simply Band-Aids that I use to try to control the loss of energy.

As a person who is likely employed full time, you probably have energy at the beginning of the day between 70-100%. As a person on disability due to a mental health condition, my starting energy is usually much less than that and then, on top of that, while cooking spaghetti with meatballs and a side salad might take you 1% of energy, it takes me 4+% of energy. Spaghetti takes 1%, grabbing the meatballs (vegan for us) from the freezer and cooking them 1% OR making my own takes 3%, and the side salad depends how many items are in it so between 2-5% of energy. And then there is clean-up...

This means that while on a typical day-to-day basis I can handle a bit of a balanced lifestyle, it also means that if something major comes up that is going to need a lot of energy to deal with... I have to make cuts across the board.

The only thing that I never make cuts for are my children. They get their needs met first and foremost. Then, whatever I need to keep myself going (at bare minimum). And after that, necessary and important items. Finally, everything else.

So... when a friend gets told that I am going to likely have trouble responding in the next few days/week ... what I am trying to say is: "please don't hold my lack of responsiveness against me or take it personally. I care about you and your feelings."

I also do not mind it if you check in on me or send me updates about your life... as long as I can trust that you are not going to expect a response until I have that extra energy again and you are next on the list for getting back to. Chances are very good that you, my friend, rank higher than even me taking a full shower or getting back to my professionals (unless I am notified that I will be losing services unless I bump them higher up in priority).

I promise that I am not too busy for those I care about and will do my absolute best to accommodate their needs along with my own. Balance is hard a lot of times though...

I just have some serious limitations and am learning to accept them as my reality as well as clearly state them. I can't exhaust all of my resources and put my children at risk of not having me available to meet their needs. As some of my peers have recently discovered... my children's needs will always came first and if I care about you, but you make it obvious that you don't care about their needs? All of my care, compassion, and understanding will be yanked out from under you faster than you can blink. I already dealt with that type of dynamic for years and have absolutely no interest in going back to that kind of life. My response shocked even myself as usually I am one of the first people to play devil's advocate, but hey, I am still learning about who I am now that I can make boundaries! *smile*