Don't let them bother you!

Not to toot my own horn but people don't enjoy my company in a corporate setting; It's not hard to understand why someone wouldn't. I am well aware that I am a personal overachiever and perfectionist. Pair that with the fact I have a hard time perceiving competition until its too late and suddenly you have the perfect recipe for everyone's least favorite scape goat.

Yes, I'm aware that my victim card is fully decked out in nearly every badge you can think of. That's what people expect out of me. At least, sometimes that what I feel like is expected of me. A plus sized, POC, woman with autism SHEESH.

It makes people not want to associate with me to begin with and sometimes I don't blame them. I DO have a target on my back. It's hard to be around that sort of thing if you're not used to it. It's especially confusing to watch someone with so many perceived disadvantages seem unbothered by intentional attempts to undercut their joy and overall satisfaction.

So why am I still happy?

Why is it that I can be mocked for being overweight and eat a biggie bag from Wendy's the same day? Why am I still wearing clothes that shows my figure more than what the general public has deemed appropriate? I kn0w I drove by your house last night and called you a slut, why are you sitting in front of me drinking coffee and smiling while you sit by yourself?

Well dear reader, let me tell you a story.

Several years ago, I moved halfway across the country by myself. I was underprepared with only enough money to get there so naturally I ended up on the streets. Equipped with a tent, sleeping bag, and whatever shopping cart load I could keep up with, I survived in Denver Colorado during my first winter as an adult.

Since I was still young and obviously out of my element, I went were I knew homeless people found homes. Shanty town. I'll never forget that first week the snow hit. Each day I left only to dig in dumpsters and duck behind stores to look for ways to elevate or cover my tent. What's worst is every few days, sometimes without notice, the police would come and tell us we had to tear it all down and set up farther away. I had unknowingly joined the New American death march.

Two months in I was sitting with an elderly woman and her boyfriend. This woman and I came to an agreement, you watch my stuff and I'll watch yours. We stood huddled together as her boyfriend sprayed the sidewalk with rubbing alcohol and lit it of fire repeatedly, a short term method of staying warm. The alcohol ran out fast, we were being greedy that night. I remember complaining about the cold, I said that I could feel the snow in my chest. That woman's eyes lost all their light as she offered me fent for the first time in my life, she explained that at least I wouldn't feel cold. The light flickered back for a second when I said no. The next afternoon she gave me $20 and told me to take the bus to the town just north, there was a youth shelter with a bed open.

She didn't have to tell me twice. The bus ride from Denver to Boulder was roughly 2 hours. The rules were simple. Be in before 6:30 for bed call or you loose your bed, three strikes and you're out for good. They asked me about my interest and I got set up with a job. Only problem was the job being in downtown Denver.

"That's fine," I said (naively).

Two and a half hours there. 6 hours of outside labor. Two and a half hours back.

There were days when I didn't make curfew and slept outside on the shelter steps so I could grab a fresh uniform in the morning. I often didn't get to eat breakfast or dinner due to the time schedule. I lived off a $5 Chinese takeout place for nearly half a year. That same place let me sleep in their kitchen one particularly cold morning when I showed up on a day I wasn't scheduled. (There's also a drag brunch spot that did the same prior to me having a job.)

After working my ass off and finally getting myself a place, it seemed like the world was moving in my favor. I was keeping up with my bills, I had a nice job, I got promoted, I even got a cat.

Then, the trip.

For context, the job I was working was an environmental non-profit. Anyone who's touched these kinds of places knows that one thing they LOVE doing is patting themselves on the back. And why wouldn't you? You'd be pretty proud of yourself too if your workplace was responsible for removing 5% of Denver's air pollution. So, for my second year, our pat to the back was a paid work trip to Nebraska.

I was the only woman on this trip.

Now, I'm not one to complain so here's a quick list of them.

1. I was the only one working, removing 60% of the foliage we were sent to take care of.

2. Forced to go kayaking. They put me in the smallest boat and I flipped in that freezing water more than 30 times.

3. I lost my glasses and cellphone in that river.

4. I had the only A-lined tent and it rained....a lot.

Also on this trip was a collection of characters. The one were bringing to focus right now, lets call him Foolish.

Foolish was our team leader, I was actually his assistant. I never questioned him out loud or to any coworkers but it was clear this was his first real leadership role. Foolish didn't like me for all the reasons I mentioned earlier. He never went out of his way to be mean to me; until I beat him in monopoly.

It was a game of monopoly like any other. Rules being thrown to the wind and illegal alliances being made. Foolish and I were neck and neck; someone walked away to speak to his wife back home and when he came back I jumped at the opportunity to throw him a deal he wouldn't refuse. The second he said yes, I won (unofficially of course) and Foolish threw the board across the room. The party died and we went kayaking the next day.

I refused to sleep in that wet A-line tent after my unwilling swim in the river. The park ranger in charge of the area was gracious enough to let me sleep in the space cabin for the last night of the trip. My tent was already packed when we were ready to leave but you know I helped my coworkers get ready.

Now, here's the lesson.

Foolish wanted to give everyone a review alongside the Admin who also went on the trip. This Admin saw how hard I had worked this entire trip, watched me nearly drown, loose my glasses, and get insulted by Foolish multiple times. He also sat back and nodded along as Foolish told me I was awful to be around this entire trip. Being told that nearly word for word that the reason nobody wants to be around me was because I was "too much". This wasn't a work review, this was Foolish needing to feel big at my expense.

It crushed me.

On the trip back, Foolish and Admin made derogatory comments about my body and how I looked. They mocked my skin color and racial identity. They mocked my hair. They mocked my weight. They both knew and watched as I battled to have access to a shower and mocked me for not wearing brand name clothes.

That was years ago. I did try going back to Groundwork Denver, however, Admin was very high ranking in the social laddy and Foolish was piggybacking off of him. I'm older now, less naive. I'm flattered that Foolish saw me as a threat, I'm disgusted by how a grown man can treat a 19 year like that.

It took me awhile to forgive him. He was struggling with his own home situation and his heart was freshly broken when I first met him. In another life maybe we were friends.

So why am I still happy?

If I let myself become miserable then I'll treat people how Foolish treated me. If I love and accept myself as I am, I wont hold others to standards they aren't aware of, or worse, don't identify with. Sometimes, you have to accept that there's a lot of unhappy people and be grateful you're not one.

Good luck out there reader.