Depression

It hurts to move forward when the thoughts come in and won't stop. I'm told to act happy and bring a smile, but that mask is suffocating. No matter how big I smile or how engaged I seem, my mind is spinning. That constant movement is exhausting, and I just want to sleep.

Why is sleeping a bad thing? Our bodies need sleep. Maybe I need just a bit more than the typical person.

Why is acting on how you feel a terrible thing? Why should I have to act how others want to perceive me? Why can't I just be me? Is it such a bad thing to feel lost and sad? Why can't I show the world how life makes me feel? I'm told there is something wrong with me. Depression.

Carrying these feelings throughout life has been debilitating. Constantly holding my tongue and doing what I'm told is right is deafening. Acting how society feels is best is one of the most polarizing things. Yet, that is what I was taught is correct. Now, when I am finally free to be me and live the life I feel inside, I don't know who that is anymore. I have lost what makes me me. Instead, I have become what my family and society have made me.

I have become the perfect child, the ideal human to live in this society. Never to stay out late, lie, or break the rules. Never tried new things because why fix what isn't broken. I never had different experiences in culture and life because mine was "always better," so why risk it. This is what I was taught since birth. These are my learned behaviors and limiting beliefs. I know that now, after years of therapy. But how do I change them? How do I make the tornado of thoughts in my head go away? I take the steps my therapist tells me will help. But, whenever I try to decide, the beliefs swirl around and fight for me to choose them. But which is right to choose? How I feel inside or how I was taught my whole life? How do I know the difference?

Never being able to test yourself in life is confusing. Never taking risks in life gets you nowhere. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know what risks to take after 25 years of staying on the path my family wanted of me. Now, I am free to be me, but I don't know who that is anymore. Now all I feel is darkness. All of my emotions blend. All I want is the sleep I was never allowed in my youth. Now I am stuck. But is this truly what I feel inside?

Why don't we change our thinking?

Some days are better than others. Some days my moods vary. Some days my emotions run high. Some days my emotions run low. But to me, that is the beauty of life.

Each day is unique. Each day is a chance to change something in your life that didn't go well yesterday. Each day there is time to improve on what you enjoy. Each day is a day to live.

I believe feeling the emotions and ups and downs of each day and embracing them is the only way to move forward, even if it is difficult.

So, why don't we choose emotions over perception? It doesn't matter how I make you feel if I live my most authentic life. How I make you feel simply represents how you live your life and how does that affects me? Short answer: it doesn't.

Instead of impressing the person next to us, we should try impressing ourselves. Instead of worrying about how others perceive our actions pay attention to how we perceive ourselves. Take pride in your sadness and make strides to bring joy back to your life when the time is right. We are meant to feel our emotions; we are meant to decide to change that feeling if we want, but not for the pleasure of another.

That is my path in life, to feel again. To live in that feeling for as long as I want. To not worry about how I make you feel because those aren't my feelings their yours. To sleep all day if I think that is best and not care what is said about me. Change is difficult, especially in this world we live in. But I plan to embrace the changes I am making in all its forms to live my most authentic life. Isn't that the point of life, to make it unique and make it yours?

Glide through your life how you want, and that barrier that has been built by others your entire life will crumble to the ground, and you will truly live.