Anxiety

It is always with me.

I carry it on my back.

I project it to the world.

But I am none the wiser.

I continue my scratching and stimming until someone asks, "Are you okay?" Then thinking back to what I had been doing, I didn't even realize I looked unwell. So I reply, "Yeah, I'm fine." so that my worries don't further burden those around me.

Anxiety is me, and I am anxiety. I have never known any difference.

Living with anxiety is like living with a separate consciousness that tells you all your worries at once. Its goal is to be overwhelming because if it isn't, you won't listen. So no matter how I am feeling, happy, sad, or excited, that consciousness inside is constantly worrying about something.

It always tells me the negative outcomes of my desires, so I am stagnating.

It always tells me the world's negative perception, so I am overly cautious.

It always tells me to stay safe at all costs, so I am isolated.

Nowadays, anxiety is thrown around daily. The phrase "I have anxiety" is as common as the phrase, "I love you." And just like that three-letter idiom, most don't truly understand the meaning. If I say, "I have anxiety," most people will respond with, "Oh, okay, me too. It's been a tough week." But is that really anxiety?

Do you sit on your couch trying to watch TV, trying to relax and unwind and suddenly get a burst of adrenaline? Does it make your heart feel like it will beat out of your chest and feel like your breath is becoming faster? Not from the wholesome food TV show, you are watching but from your other consciousness worrying about something completely unrelated. That adrenaline and thought take over your mind, and you cannot concentrate on anything. You suddenly begin to itch all over your body, prepared to give yourself more scars just to make it stop. This is anxiety.

Silent Panic

Squirming.

Itching.

Hiding.

Deafening.

Maybe you have experienced a silent panic attack. The silence is because you are in public and don't want to worry others about your problems. But the sound is as loud as can be inside your mind.

Maybe it was triggered by the number of people in your social environment. That has happened to me. Maybe it was triggered by an overheard conversation that you now cannot unhear. This has happened to me. Or maybe it was triggered by a thought that your other consciousness was worrying about, and now you are too. This has happened to me too.

The first thing I do is to try and find some comfort. Maybe I cross my arms to protect myself from others if I feel pressured in a social environment. Sometimes I hold my hands. The pressure and reassurance you can give yourself just by holding your hands are mesmerizing. It makes me feel safe, in control and accepting of my feelings. Because there is nothing wrong or negative about these feelings, they are just uncomfortable.

Honestly, one could argue that the only way to move forward is to constantly feel uncomfortable.

Where's the Data?

I want to bring to light that everyone has different anxieties, worries, feelings, emotions, etc. None are wrong, maybe just not helpful. For example, my therapist constantly tells me to find data for my thoughts and feelings. If I can't find tangible evidence that what I am thinking or feeling is correct, I should push it away because it's not helpful.

It's not helpful to feel constantly on edge.

It's not helpful to feel pressured when making any movement.

It's not helpful to worry about every minute detail in your daily life.

It's not necessary to control it all. But that is anxiety.

That is the overarching message my therapist tells me and what I tell myself when I have these feelings of anxiety. Of course, it isn't always straightforward, and sometimes I need more. But this is always my first step, where's the data.

Breathe

It took me about 24 years to really look at and understand my anxiety. I had been living with it for so long I never realized what it was. I never connected the dots to my different feelings, emotions, and reactions. But, once I started seeing my therapist, we realized what was going on, and together we have been able to navigate my mind so I could live my life.

I like to think of when I started going to my therapist as the first time I stopped to take a breath. It was the first time I could work on myself and talk to someone who was truly there for me and only me. Now, of course, it's been almost three years since I started seeing her, and my anxiety is still present. But it is manageable. Something I never thought possible. Being able to control my life, feelings, and emotions fully have opened up a world of possibilities. Taking a breath and changing or controlling what I am thinking is like magic. I thoroughly recommend you try it.

My anxiety might be the itch I can't scratch, but I'm not itchy today. I can send that feeling away if I choose. I can embrace it if I choose. I can change it if I choose. But only if I choose.

Therapy is good. Breathing is good. Feeling is good. Choose what you believe is good and live your life.