Dear Diary, I'm Ready To Be Me.

I have never been big on New Year's Resolutions.

For me the new year has always been just another date, an excuse to watch fireworks and party until late. Oh, and a constant struggle of writing the incorrect year on pretty much everything dated for the first few months of the year.

But this year feels different. Perhaps because the past few years, for me, were full of introspection. And just recently I feel like I have stepped out of a dream, the dream being the past twenty years of my life.

I always considered myself very self-aware but I am beginning to realise I have been far from it. I hid from my internal issues and conflicts for far too long.

In reality, I was always a follower because I was too scared or anxious to show my true self for fear of rejection or embarrassment, as if rejection and embarrassment were the worst things that could happen to a person.

I was always too ‘busy’ to pay proper attention to what was going on in my head. I always ignored or denied the deepest of my thoughts, either pushing them to the side or drowning them out with substances and mindless distractions.

I denied myself of achieving my goals for fear of failure, or I was too scared to even try.

I allowed others to manipulate me because I did not know my own self worth.

I hurt people I loved because I was too cowardly to speak my thoughts and say how I really felt.

I was too afraid to be myself.

But now something has changed. Within a frenzy of emotion and overwhelming apprehension, I feel awake again.

Is this what turning 30 feels like?! No, surely not. I've always believed that age is just a number. And yet, I do feel a shallow stab of despair as I prepare to say goodbye to my 20’s.

But I’m also a mother now. A mother of two. Two beautiful, incredibly strong-willed little children I would do anything for. If there is one thing that will turn your life upside down and change everything you thought you knew about yourself, it’s having children. And now I’m coming out of the daze of childbirth and sleepless nights with babies, things are becoming clearer.

Or perhaps… perhaps I’m just sick and tired of pretending.

This feeling reminds me of when I decided to stop wearing makeup. I was about 18 years old and had spent my entire teen life hiding behind a thick veil of foundation and eyeliner for fear of people seeing the 'real' me. I did not want people to see my freckles, the odd pimple, my imperfect skin. I looked in the mirror and always saw a sad, unattractive person staring back. As if being unattractive was the worst thing in the world.

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wearing makeup, because there most certainly is not. Makeup is artistic, wearing it should be fun. It's meant to make you feel good and be a way to express yourself.

But I didn't enjoy it. I loathed what I saw in the mirror, and makeup was the mask I wore each day in an attempt to disguise myself from the world. I could not walk out the door until I was sore in the back from painstakingly applying and reapplying cheap, toxic gunk onto my skin. So many hours were wasted and so many special events were missed because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.

Then one day, I had just had enough. I was tired. And after spending some time delving into my spirituality I decided that the universe we are a part of is a vast and wonderful mystery, and that stressing and hurting myself over something as insignificant as my appearance was a huge waste of my time. Slowly but surely, I gave myself a fresh start.

I still wasn't completely comfortable with myself, but I was better.

I felt better again after having children. Sure, I was 23kgs heavier with stretch marks, sagging breasts and more jiggly bits than a bowl of jelly, but I had birthed life. It was the most primal and empowering experience. The way I saw the world changed completely.

And fast forward two years to the present.

I realise now that if people have a problem with the way I look, that's their problem and not mine. My body is amazing and there is so much more to it than its appearance.

I understand that if someone doesn't like me or my views, that's okay. We all have different personalities and backgrounds and that's what keeps life interesting. You cannot please everyone, no matter how hard you try. And you don't need to please everyone.

I do not let people manipulate me. I make my own decisions because I know my worth and I trust my instinct.

I stay in the company of those I love, and who love and accept me. Quality over quantity.

I realise I have flaws, and that's okay. We all do.

I realise that in the grand scheme of things, I am lucky.

Along with the other realizations I made through the years, I have recently come to terms with my mental health issues. Issues I have had since I was at least 10 years old. Issues I always passed off as ‘nothing to worry about’, or ‘just my weirdness’, or even ‘being dramatic’. This, I think, is the saddest part of my journey. That I did not value myself enough to believe my own feelings were valid and worthy of seeking help.

2021 is going to be an interesting year. I have finally accepted that I can't keep running from my inner demons. I need to face them, listen to them. While daunting, confronting and all-round emotional, it's the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I suppose I have finally realised that I can't live life pretending.

I'm ready to be me.