Damn! My Life

Damn! My Life.

By Nakia Wade

Introduction.

To many abuse, is just something they read or hear about. It is that friend who acts funny, the one your parents would never let you stay at their house. And would never give you a reason why. But for many it is the world they continue to live in, even as adults. A world misunderstood by those around, a world people on the outside could never begin to understand. A world cold and lonely, filled with hurts, pain and constant darkness. A world I know all too well.

Like many I have had many happy times in my life. Like when my children were born, when I walked down the aisle to get married, and so on. There is, however, a flip side to my world. A dark and cold side that has destroyed everything in its path. I have witness and experienced every type of abuse there is. I live with the decay and stench of shame and hurt left behind.

Unlike many I am still standing, and I will continue to stand and press forward. Join me as I walk you through and show you the world, I live in.

Chapter 1

The Beginning!

Every story has a beginning, so why should this one be any different. For most starting a new family means getting married and having children. Buying a home and living a wonderful happy life. At least that is how life is supposed to be right?

Well that just does not happen that way for everyone. Now let us get this straight from the start, I am not saying that anything that you read in this story is an excuse for any wrong done. I am just stating the difference in life experiences.

The girl in this story will as you will see, has known both the good and the bad of this life. And after reading this story, you will se that it is a crazy world when you combine the two, but the bad is dominant.

On to this morning a baby girl is born. Born into a world of drug and alcohol abuse, many dark secrets. Born to a alcoholic mother and drug addict father. Born with problems right from the start. Damn! My life!

Sasha was born May 1st, 1975, weighing 5 pounds 2 ounces. Born at 12:45 am. You would think this would be a happy time, and I am sure for some it was. But for baby Sasha, it was the beginning of a world full of hate, abuse, and pain.

Sasha entered this world with problems, born with Jaundice, she spent her first days with tube protruding from the top of her head. What a hell of a way to make an entrance. However, Sasha made it through her rough start and on to the world she would come to both love and hate.

Her first years were spent with various family members and friends of her mother. She could not recall many memories. Sasha’s father’s mother had 18 kids, some were stillborn or died young. Therefore, there were always kids around. Many the siblings that stayed close to the grandmother, kids. The first cousins, well some of them anyway. You see Sasha’s grandmother was a mean and hateful woman. Some of the children’s father had taken them from her, so lucky those kids, nor their children were ever around.

There was Sasha, her cousin Pinky, her cousin Roslyn, Roslyn’s brother, and once and a while Sasha’s half brother Tee would come to play. Sasha’s father had four children by four different women. You will see not many values were cared about on this side. Sasha’s grandparent on her father’s side were not together, and it is unknown if they were ever married or together.

It was sadly here that most of the abuse that Sasha endured early in life began. Sasha’s father was in and out of jail most of her early life, so you will hear extraordinarily little about him, has he been not there. The times that Sasha could remember him being around, it was always like he had a major problem with her. Always thinking that she was too stupid to do anything. He did for his other kids and their children but could not tell you what Sasha’s kids even look like.

My apologies let us back it up. I got emotional. From as early as Sasha could remember she spent a lot of time with her grandparents and other family members. She often wondered if they even had a place of their own. Sasha was born with a quiet. Meek sprint. She did not fight back and was incredibly quiet and shy. She loved to write from the moment she learned how and could put words together at an incredibly young age. She remembered a time when she wrote a poem called The Heart. She had to be like 5 or 6 years old at the time. Her uncle Mumford read the poem and said how good it was but discredited the fact that she had wrote it herself. That would be the way it would be for her throughout this story.

After that Sasha kept her writings to herself, only referring to them when she needed to pick herself up. You see Sasha learned at an early age that she would be alone in this world and must love herself. But that would soon become the hardest thing ever to do.

In Sasha’s dad’s mother’s house, it was normal to drink and get drunk, play the blues loud, and fight, with the night ending with Sasha’s grandmother hanging from a chair with drool sipping from her mouth. Sasha was always amazed that her grandmother never fell out of the chair. During these times kids were taught that they were to be seen not heard, and for Sasha, not loved.

No one ever said they loved her, or hugged her, or kissed her. She just was there. All the other kids went home with whatever parent they had, leaving Sasha alone at her grandmothers and alone with her youngest uncle, who we will call Uncle Pedofiel, which is Dutch for pedophile. I know you think I am wrong for that, well keep reading and see if you still feel that way later.

Sasha will not say things at her grandmothers was always bad, she could remember a time when her cousin Pinky and her would get a blanket and lay in the yard and call out the shapes of the clouds, while her grandmother would sit on the porch and pick peas. You see when Sasha’s grandmother was sober things were like they should be when you have your grandkids. But when she was drinking, it was a different story.

Sasha’s grandmother had a weeping willow tree in her yard and when it would snow, Sasha and her cousins, and half brother would play like they were lost in the woods trying to get back home. Sasha’s cousin Tee’s brother from her mothers’ side of always be there. See no one seemed to be married or even with the other parent anymore. It was during these times that life almost seemed normal, but it was far from that behind closed doors is the Devil. And he showed no love.

Sasha’s grandmother would lock the bedroom door at night and then wedge a knife between the frame so it could not be opened. Sasha never really knew what her grandmother was trying to keep out, or maybe deep down she did. You will understand why I say that in a minute. She would have a red chitterling bucket for them to use the restroom at night. And whenever one of Sasha’s cousin would stay the night they would all sleep with her grandmother behind that locked door. Although Sasha could recall a few times when she could go to the actual bathroom at night.

That is where she learned the devil lives in the bathroom when little girls are present and bad things happen to little girls behind closed bathroom doors. This would create a fear in Sasha that she would carry well into her adult years. This is the first memory of abuse Sasha could recall; however, it wouldn’t be the last.

Sasha’s youngest uncle was pure evil in the making. Still a child himself really. Since he was only like 16 or 17 years old at the time. He stayed in the basement and Sasha’s grandmother did not let them go down there, with good reason you will see. Sasha could recall a time when her mother and grandmother went into the basement and found all kinds of bottles, from where her uncle had been sneaking and stealing the alcohol from upstairs. Evil is the making.

Sasha’s uncle would come in the bathroom and close the door. He would make her get on her knees and the shove his penis down her throat, if her teeth would hurt him, he would slap her. This was only the beginning. It is funny how the human mind can take something and push it so far back that you almost forget it was real. This went on and on, and Sasha developed the fear on closed bathroom doors.

It was when this began, that even things with Sasha’s grandmother changed. The lady who drank until she passed out and never really paid the children any attention became verbally abuse towards Sasha. Sasha developed at an early age, having large breast young is good for no one, especially the target of ones perverted mind. A mind Sasha’s grandmother and uncle shared in some ways. No Sasha’s grandmother did not sexual abuse her, but Sasha believed she knew what her son was doing and blamed Sasha for it. Putting her down for the way she looked, always accusing her of messing with boys. Mind you Sasha was only around 7 or 8 years old at the time and the only boy that was messing with her was right there in the same house.

Things only got worse as the years progressed. Sasha’s cousin could say she did things and no matter if it was true or not, Sasha’s grandmother would beat her with a weeping willow branch. She would always wait until Sasha was in the bath and wet, then she would have one of the other kids go get the switch as they called it. Be beat with a weeping willow branch is like being beat with an extension cord. And add water to it and MY GOD!

The abuse continued until Sasha went to go stay with her mother’s mother. We will call her Big Mama. Now unlike things at her other grandmother’s house, things were great here. It was here that Sasha learned what love was. Despite the stories of abuse her mother would later tell, Sasha’s grandmother showed nothing but love for her granddaughter and it was here that Sasha had something she had never had before, and by this time she was around 9 or 10 years old. She had her own bedroom and no devil waiting for her in the bathroom. She still could not be comfortable with the bathroom door closed. Sasha’s grandmother had her faults, but to Sasha she was perfect. You see her grandmother had walked away from her grandpa for another man, leaving behind 5 children for him to raise. Her grandmother’s husband, Grandpa Jim seemed to be just as perfect.

He would take Sasha to the dog track and on the way, he would give her just a little beer. She would sleep until they got there. While at the dog track, Sasha’s grandpa would let her pick the numbers and if her number won, she got some of the money. She remembers one time she had went to her father’s mother’s house and had her winnings with her. Her Grandmother took her money to buy alcohol, promising to give it back, which never happened.

Anyway, at night Grandpa Jim would let Sasha get up after her grandmother had gone to bed and they would eat ice cream cones and other snacks, her grandmother would always catch them. At times he would let her have the last sallow of beer from the can and off to bed she would go. They spoiled her with things and love. They would make sure every Christmas everything she had seen all year and wanted was always under the tree. She would go to bed with just a few packages under the tree and awake with the whole living room filled with gifts just for her. One year she got a new bike. She could not remember who taught her to ride a bike, most of what she had learned this far she had taught herself. Her was allowed do something else she had not up to this point, she was able to be a kid.

Sasha was never what you called popular in school, but she had her set of friends, something that would later become hard to make. Her grandmother allowed her freedom, she could play wherever if she was home when the streetlight came on. When you have lived in a world were the devil is at home, you learn to be comfortable with the dangers that come with the streets.

Sasha grew up during a time when gangs were bad, and it was with them that she found her acceptance. As does many. Sasha had several friends in the neighborhood. One was a little dark-skinned girl who lived across the street. There was a daycare on the block and after hours they would go jump the fence and play. Sasha grandmother for years gave her Exlax every weekend to clean her system out. Doing this Sasha never had bad breath. But loose booty comes with Exlax.

One-time Sasha’s grandmother gave her the usual and let her go outside to play. Big mistake. Sasha ran across the street to play with her friend, climbed on the fence, threw her leg up and everything came out. She put her leg down and went home, not returning the rest of the night.

There was a family that lived behind Sasha’s grandmother, there was two girls and two boys. The boys were older and albino. One of the girls was a little older than Sasha and the other, but they took Sasha in and they all became good friends. When Sasha met these two, she slowly started to fade away from her block childhood friends. You see Pepsi and Bunny has they called themselves had a lot of freedom and so they were into more.

One of Sasha’s friends was a girl who lived on the corner. They would take a baby stroller, since her friend was small enough to fit in it and walk thru city park. Since Sasha was so well developed, people assumed that there was a baby there and men would try to pick up on Sasha. Sasha and her friend had a nasty fight over some candy bars Sasha had sold for school. You see somethings are learned from an early age, you really do not know how it got there, but it’s there. During this time people would pay upfront for the candy, Sasha would then give the candy to her friends. Buying friendship. Anyway, the girl was supposed to give Sasha some money, but switched up on her.

Anyway, when you lack the ability to really attach to something, it doesn’t matter if it leaves. That is not true after years of abuse. Sasha and the girls, Pepsi and Bunny became good friends, and it was with them that she met him. The whole family of guys had Chinese shaped eyes, dark skin, long hair. They were beautiful to Sasha. Some shit it just that pretty shit.

Abuse has no feelings; she comes in any forms. She will break you down, devour your soul and leave you better and hateful. Sasha was a pretty little girl, light skinned, thick, long hair, developed. Abuse at an early age kills the beautiful person living inside and though you still see that person on the outside, what really remains is an empty vessel waiting for someone to come fill it once again. If pain is the first thing to come your way, it will be the first thing to fill your vessel. Sasha’s vessel had already had its share of pain, and although love filled it now, that was about to change.

The Randolph brothers, there was 5 brothers, only three our age. Sasha fell head over heels for the youngest brother. Sometimes I wish people came with a stamp that said, “BAD GET AWAY NOW, THIS NIGGA IS NO GOOD!” Okay I know you freaking out because I said the big N for some of y’all. Get over it, you are going to hear way more than that.

Anyway, things seemed okay with this new bunch, until one day. Sasha lived by a large college campus. It separated them from the Randolph brothers. Sasha and the girls would walk thru the campus to go see the brothers. On one occasion they went to see the brother, but this day would be totally different, as would every day after.

Sasha could not tell you what the hell went wrong this day, but it did. They met up with the brother’s who seemed to be on a different mission this day. The younger brother had cornered Sasha and the other brother was telling him to hit her, in which he did. Now mind you Sasha was not a fighter at this time, so she got the hell out of there and so did the other girls.

Crazy thing is this become a daily survival thing. Whenever they would across the campus the brothers would chase them back. Sasha who always had her bike, soon got tired of running and would seek out help from the houses nearby. The person home would take Sasha home. Even when they would stay on their side of the campus, the brothers would show up there.

Sasha and her friends were standing in the street one day, when Sasha noticed one of the brothers sitting on his bike at the corner. What they did not know was that they had got taught slipping. The brothers had brought other people with them and had the block surrounded. Sasha nor the girls ever told anyone what was happening. You just did not do that. Sasha would take money from her grandmother to give to Bunny.

Sasha would find out years later that Bunny had a drug problem, one that would kill her one day. Sasha would wait until her grandmother would take her to the store. She would then throw the stolen money onto the floor and alert her grandmother to its presence; her grandmother would then let her keep it since she found it.

One-year Sasha got a fish. She had previously received the beating of a lifetime when she brought a kitten home, knowing that her grandmother feared everything but people. She had begged the people to give her the cat, lying saying she could have it. She ended up taking the cat right back with a sore behind.

Abraham was the fishes name, a blue betta. During the summer, Sasha was made to go to her mother’s house for the summer. Her grandmother would pack her a lunch and put her and Abe on a greyhound bus. In those days you could send your kid on the bus by themselves. You just told the bus driver where they were going and sit them in front of the bus. Better not try that now. Sasha would have so much food she would feed the person sitting next to her the whole way.

Once at her mother’s house she would spend the summer lying on side of the couch wishing she could open her eyes and be back at her grandmother’s house, it did not matter which one. She had a little sister there, but that did not matter. You see Sasha had a hate for her stepfather even she did not understand. That would change later in the years. Anyway, one-year Sasha’s ticket to return to her grandmothers never came and she was stuck at her mothers.

The rules were different here, there was chores to be done. Something Sasha had never been required to do. Freedom was limited, that also was not something she was used to, nor did she want to. And then there was the other family members, her stepfathers. One of which was a cousin. In most black home’s family is family, no one really cares how, you just are. Well, this one cousin happens to be Sasha’s favorite. Little girls need to be protected even at home. Sasha would always run and give this cousin a hug, since he was her favorite. But wolves exist in people too.

Sasha’s mother and stepfather both drank and went out a lot. One night a game was playing on tv and Sasha mother and they decided to go out. The cousin was there watching the game, so Sasha’s mother asked him to keep an eye on her and her sister. Things seem to be going fine until the cousin came into the bedroom and started talking to her. He sent her sister to play out on the bar. He told Sasha about how pretty she was and how she should have a boyfriend. Sasha was only 12 years old. He told her he thought she liked him and that what was about to happen was what people who liked each other did. Now remember Sasha’s uncle and what he had done, but now was this man and he was gentle and kind. So, it must be okay. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Sasha’s mother returned home during it; however, he was not caught.

The next day she went to school, knowing how women get pregnant, but not understanding, she asked the school nurse and upon hearing what had happen the nurse called the police. You see it is illegal for a 27-year-old man to have sex with a 12-year-old girl. The things you go through as a rape victim is enough to make you never report it again. And she did not.

Life took a nasty turn from there; her innocence was gone. When all you know is abuse you develop a world of your own and so she did. Promising to never act so those she knew; she took to the streets to learn. And after spending 6 weeks in a mental ward, she was off to live this new life and learn more abuse. Up until this point abuse was apart of life for Sasha, but she had no ideal just how much more she would come to know. Up until this point she was just living in this world, now she was a part of it. This was the beginning.