Crawling Back To You

More times than I can count, I've sat wondering who I truly was beneath all of the shame. I wondered if I was brilliant or if I was truly destined to remain in this child-like state of confusion. Walking the world wondering my purpose as I hide in the shadows of who I knew I wasn't, yet who I'd always been. I'd been dripping in a victimhood so carefully built by those around me who claimed that their love for me meant more than what society views love and friendship as today. I spent so much time in the comfort of being the victim that I hadn't paid any attention to the fact that while these people were building this victimhood, I was handing them the nails and hammer.

Each nail I handed over chipped away at my responsibility to find myself again. After all of the pain I'd endured over the years, the warmth from the chaos that pooled at my feet almost felt like a hug. I'd been through countless tragedies in life, always wondering when the chaos would stop. I'd complain about the state of my life all while remaining in the same social circles, repeating the same lessons, and healing in vain.

Every step of the way, I questioned why I couldn't be like everyone else. This pressure in my chest, in my head, consumed me. Anxiety hugged me tightly as People Pleasing kissed my cheek. There I sat in uncomfortable silence...waiting. Though I didn't know for what, I waited. That period of holding my breath lasted almost eight years.

It all started with a little accountability. I remember knowing at the core of it that I was a good person, yet my actions ceased to reflect that. When I took a moment to see myself for who I truly was at that time, it honestly brought me to tears. I'd wasted so much time, partially because of the lack of knowledge instilled in the children of our family on what it truly means to be an adult. A percentage of that is on me as well. We aren't in control of how we are raised as children, but when we become adults, though it's incredibly unfair, it is up to us to power through the chaos to reach the finish line.

Quite honestly, I had spent so much time blaming everyone around me for something nobody knew was inside of me. I blamed people who weren't responsible for my pain because I was brought up, forced to take accountability for things no child should have to. I looked at myself and I realized I was everything I told myself I'd never become.

I sat on my bed that night and rocked my baby girl to sleep. For the first time in a while turned off the reality TV and turned on Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts. I won't lie it felt uncomfortable to know that I played a role in my own suffering. However, the words that Pastor Sarah spoke offered me something I hadn't even offered myself. Grace.

I burst into tears. A mixture of feeling seen and heard for the first time. It made me think of every time I begged to be seen and heard by others. How mind-blowing to come to the conclusion that, after all this time, I needed to see myself. My potential has always been so great but the limiting beliefs dragged me down. I never thought I'd make it back here. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I started writing again. Life seems more worth living on my own than it ever felt surrounded by people who could never really see me.

So, my dear, your return home is way past due cause it is time to start crawling back to you.