Courage isn't the lack of fear

Dear beautiful loving people

My name is Huzaifa and I was asked to share my story. I’ve dreamt about sharing my story to a large audience many times before but now that I’ve been asked, I don’t know how to begin. So let’s just begin.

5 years ago, I suddenly came to the realization that as a young child, I was sexually molested. I grew up thinking that what had happened to me was normal. I didn’t put much thought into it. My body felt it 5 years ago. It was time for the old trauma to come to surface. I was ready to handle it, to tackle it, to live with it but most importantly to be with it whether I wanted to or not. The last 5 years have been insanely difficult. More difficult than I could’ve ever imagine life to be.

The last 23 years have been difficult already. I started having serious suicide thoughts starting around the age of 12. They would haunt me for almost the rest of my life. I say almost because the last time I had a harrowing evening where I desperately wanted to kill myself was a little over a year ago. For the first time in my life, I have lived 1 whole year without the desperate need to kill mself. I am realizing it right now as I write this.

I live in fear. I live with fear. I fear fear. Being molested multiple times at the age of 4 by my own family made me afraid of the world because my family was my world. They were everything to me. As I grew older I learned how much bigger the world is. As I grew older I was filled with more fear as I was afraid of more things, of more people, of every person I’ve ever met.

2019 has been easily the most difficult year of my life. I’ve spent it trying not to fight the emotions I want to depress. I’ve spent it not forcing myself to accept my feelings. I’ve spent it trying to just be, instead of trying to do so much. Trying to fix this. Trying to get over there. Trying to understand why what and how. Instead just being still and allowing everything to move within me. Around me. With me.

It has allowed me to process things more. More and more deeper layers come up for air after I’ve suppressed them for long. These old emotions and feelings have been suffocating for so long. All they’ve ever wanted was to just come to the surface. To also breathe the beautiful air as they too are beautiful.

2019 has easily been the most difficult year of my life. I’ve felt more broken than I’ve ever felt. I’ve felt much more scared than I knew possible. I’ve allowed my body to relive the trauma I’ve put away for so long. I learned that I activated both fight and flight when I was molested. I fought until I couldn’t fight anymore. Then I fled as my consciousness detached myself from the situation to save me. To save my mind from knowing what was happening. To prevent me from permanent brain damage. My mind, body and soul used every bit of strength and energy to fight until it knew it needed to use every last bit of energy to hide, to rest and to save itself so that I can live to fight another day.

2019 was a calling for me to fight again. My mind body and soul told me that I have no choice. That this is the time. That I am ready to regain myself. I am ready to love myself. It doesn’t get easier at all. On the contrary it’s anything but easy. But it’s also everything. Everything to be a better version of me.

But there is no better version of me because that would say that there used to be a shittier version of me. There was never a shittier version of me. There was only the thought and feeling that there was a shittier version of me. The thoughts are still there. The feelings still arise. They still destroy me from time to time. They engulf me and I’m helpless. They make my bones tremble and I am in desperate search for help. I am still scared. I am still very much scared. But the only way for one to be courageous is to be scared first. Courage isn’t the lack of fear, it’s loving the fear.