Breaking the Cycle: A Brown Kid’s Guide to Healing Generational Trauma

"We didn’t talk about feelings at home — we swallowed them."

If you grew up in a brown household, that might sound familiar. Emotional conversations were often replaced with silence and shame… But what if that silence wasn’t neglect?

What if it was inherited?

That’s the thing about generational trauma — it doesn’t always scream. Sometimes, it whispers in the way your mom flinches at conflict. Or in your dad’s obsession with control. Or in your anxiety, people-pleasing, or fear of failure.

What Is Generational Trauma?

Generational trauma (also called intergenerational trauma) is psychological distress passed down from one generation to the next.

It's not always caused by one “big event.” For many brown families, it stems from:

🌟Colonialism and Partition: Many South Asian families carry unspoken grief, loss, and displacement — stories that were never fully told.

🌟Migration and Survival Mode: My family moved between India, Dubai, and China. That meant adapting constantly — new places, new languages, new rules. In survival mode, there wasn’t room for softness. You just had to get on with it. Vulnerability was considered a luxury, not a necessity.

🌟Rigid Cultural Expectations: At school in China, I was the only Indian, the only Sikh girl in my year group. At home, I was expected to carry my culture with pride. Outside, I was trying to fit in with kids who didn’t look or live like me… No one taught me how to be both.

How Trauma Shows Up Today

Even if your parents never talked about their past, trauma has a way of leaking through:

✿ Emotional Avoidance

In my home, conflict felt dangerous. Expressing disagreement could be taken as disrespect. So I learned to stay quiet. To overthink every reaction. To apologise, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.

✿ Hyper-Independence

I wore “I’m fine” like armour. I learned early on that asking for help might be met with confusion, frustration, or brushed-off advice. So I stopped asking.

✿ Body Image Issues

In Dubai and India, I was XS/S. In China, suddenly I was M/L. I didn’t change, but the world’s perception of my body did. Back home, even well-meaning relatives made comments: “Just lose a little weight, beta.” Even my curls were something to fix. I straightened them for years to look more “presentable.” Now, wearing them out feels like a protest and pride in one.

✿ Guilt and Overachievement

Doing well was never enough—it had to be perfect. I still measure my worth by how productive I am. Rest feels like guilt, and failure feels like identity.

Why It’s Not About Blame

It’s tempting to feel angry at our parents for what they didn’t give us emotionally. And that anger is valid.

But healing means zooming out — recognising that they were shaped by pain too.

They weren’t taught how to talk about feelings.
They were taught how to survive.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour, but it helps us approach healing with compassion, not just blame.

So, How Do We Break the Cycle?

Here are small, real steps I’ve taken — and that other brown kids can take — toward healing generational trauma:

1. Learn the Story

Ask about your family history — not just the good parts. Where did they grow up? What were they scared of?
When I started asking my parents gentle questions, I realised how much they'd kept inside. Not out of secrecy, but protection.

2. Feel What They Couldn't

I used to hold back tears, thinking it made me weak. Now, I cry during movies. I journal about the little things.
There was a time I felt guilty eating dessert. Now, I let myself have ice cream without “earning” it. That’s healing, too.

3. Name It to Tame It

Learning words like “boundary,” “inner child,” or “emotional neglect” helped me stop blaming myself.
It gave shape to a feeling I couldn’t quite explain, like how I used to feel bad for needing reassurance.

4. Practice Reparenting

I’m learning to be the adult I needed:

• I talk to myself kindly.
• I build routines because I deserve support, not punishment.
• I celebrate little wins — even if it’s just getting out of bed and brushing my hair.

5. Talk About It

I’ve started having softer conversations with friends and cousins.
We don’t always trauma-dump. But we check in. We share the hard stuff. We laugh about how messed up things were — and how we’re slowly making sense of it now.

Final Thoughts: You Are the Transition Generation

You are not weak for feeling what your parents pushed down.


You are not selfish for wanting more than just survival.


You are not dramatic for needing help to unlearn pain that wasn’t yours to carry.

You are the bridge between generations — the one who asks questions, sets boundaries, and dreams of a softer life.

And that’s how the cycle breaks.