Benzo withdrawal

It began with running low on a prescription and turned into a nightmare. So where do we begin? Well let's start with having your primary care physician manage some serious psychiatric medications. Bad idea, and something I wish I would've known sooner because it could've prevented this whole disaster. So what is this disaster you speak of? The disaster was running out of benzodiazepines to find out that my primary care physician could not prescribe them. At first, I thought nothing of it. I'll figure it out, but I wasn't able to. Now I'm without this medication and my body has grown dependent on it. I'm starting to experience a nightmare of symptoms. I'm at work and I can't sit still. Not just a normal anxious feeling either. I can feel this in my head, like this terrible gnawing feeling of I have to move.

Over the next few days, it gets worse. I'm at work and I have to step away from my desk constantly and start walking around. I'm pacing now back and forth. I'm having thoughts that this is so bad, I want to stab myself in the head because the internal torment is becoming unbearable. Now I know I'm in some serious trouble, I have had suicidal thoughts before but nothing like this. So now I'm trying to do everything I can to calm down. BREATHE MAN. YOU HAVE TO BREATHE. Now I'm meditating, it's not working. I go back to pacing and I go outside. I'm freaking out now, if I remember correctly I call the hospital about coming in after work. Looking back, I should've just gone in right there. But I was able to do some breathing exercises and finally my mind relents and settles for a second. I get home and I'm feeling alright until I get to bed. The restlessness continues, I can't sleep at all. 2am, 3am, 4am pass. My body is starting to feel odd during these hours. My teeth are clattering and my body is shaking. At one point I fall asleep, only to be woken up by feeling like I'm not even connected with my body. At this point, I'm just like please God help me fall asleep. But I'm disconnected, I'm starting to get scared and feel like I'm not in control. So I start to tell myself I have control. I start to move my fingers around just to prove to myself I could at that point. Words can't describe that feeling. The next day, I know I need some serious help. I can't take one more day of this, so thankfully I'm able to get the prescription filled and things begin to normalize. A few months later, I learned from a doctor the dangers of benzodiazepine withdrawal. It can kill you, it can cause you to have seizures. So with that being said, I'm just lucky to be alive. But not just lucky, I'm grateful.

If I could go back in time, there's a couple things I would've done differently. One being, to be proactive about any medications that you need to take. Get it done weeks in advance, there's nothing worse than knowing you're about to run out of a medication with withdrawal symptoms. Who knew my procrastination from my college days would come back to haunt me. Secondly, I wouldn't get too many doctors involved with your medications. You may find you end up with far too many or the wrong ones as they're not always communicating with each other. Recently, I found I had 60 pills at my pharmacy for a medication I don't even take anymore. With all that being said, communication is crucial and communication will save your life.