Behind My Smile.

Ascending to my highest self,

Came to earth to do the work.

Divinity lost deep within,

Mind foggy from the percs.

Consciousness the great divide,

Separates the truth from lies.

Reality is but a dream.

Wide awake now, full of disbelief.

To be too conscious is in illness,

Guess I’m sick in the head.

Too much, too fast.

Bound to wind up dead.

Synthetic opium help me, I plead.

Turn off my mind, let me fall back asleep.

Pills laced with fentanyl,

10 confirmed dead.

Gone forever, lost like my self control.

As I sit here, nodding off in my bed.

Death knocking on my door.

Petrified, to unintentionally die.

No matter the stakes,

I can’t break away.

Gambling my life,

For a transient high.

I was born to be a healer,

I came to earth to shine my light.

How’d I let my demons win?

They stole my will to fight.

I miss my old self,

The girl with a genuine smile.

But I traded in my joy,

For a crushed blue line.

I Thought I couldn’t fly,

It turns out that I can.

I’m higher than the clouds now.

Just can’t figure out how to land.

I day dream of suicide,

Though I’ll never follow through.

But how do I continue on?

So beaten, battered, and bruised.

Addiction and depression,

My soul it has consumed.

A hollow vacant shell now,

Of the woman I used to be.

If you see me out in Public,

Please be gentle with me.

Fore this weight, it is heavy.

My mind, it knows, no peace.

My own will has betrayed me.

My heart and soul are weak.

I despise my own reflection.

I don’t recognize who I see.

I do my best to seem happy.

I pray no one can see,

The ugly truth that I despise,

My demons consume me.

I am dying inside.

I just want to hide.

I can’t keep up with the lies.

My soul is diseased,

I long to be free.

I feel contagious,

Don’t stand next to me.

I fall apart at the seam,

I don’t want my mom to see.

If she knew the truth,

It would make her cry.

Ignorance is bliss,

So I fake another lie.

“Things are pretty good mom.

Work is going fine.”

Praying to a god I don’t believe in,

“Lord, please let her buy that line.”

I want her to believe it,

So I go the extra mile.

Act silly, tell a joke,

Anything to see her smile.

My mom never had it easy,

She reminds me so much of me.

Mouthing off, acting tough.

Trying to hide what’s underneath:

A woman full of hurt,

Sensitive and sweet.

Who cries by herself all alone at night,

While everyone around her sleeps.

The weight she carries is heavy.

I long for her to find relief.

I wish she could forgive herself.

My heart for her, it weeps.

I cannot bear the thought,

Of adding to her pain.

I want to heal myself,

Inspire her to do the same.

But in this moment, I am struggling.

My secrets I can no longer keep.

My body gives it all away.

Skinny, pale, and bleak.

I have forgotten my souls purpose.

The pills I can’t defeat.

My ancestors think I can break the chain,

But I feel like the weakest link.