Art of ignoring what others think

Regardless of what people think, to be honest, it's my dream, because since I was a child, I have been a person who puts so much emphasis on other people's thoughts about me that like this, when I was a child, I once went to eat at a restaurant with my parents and I wanted to ask for a cup of chili sauce for me to eat but I didn't dare to open my mouth to ask for help, so I had to beg my father to help me because I was afraid that when I opened my mouth and called the owner, the people around me would hear and they would start to have thoughts about me like: "Oh, why is this guy so bothered? Why is it so demanding?" I'm afraid of those thoughts and I've always been like that since I was a child, so when I grew up, I had a very harmful habit, that is, I always try to please others, whoever asks for something, the vast majority of me agree with everything. Ignore your thoughts and follow what others want. For example, if someone calls me to sell, I will listen to it all, but I never dare to hang up in the middle, Or if I go to eat at a certain restaurant and people make the wrong dish that I ordered, I will also sit and eat it all, but I don't dare to ask people to do it again and this one has a lot of influence on my emotions right at that very moment. I thought it was okay because doing so would be fun for both parties. But when I go home and think about it, I feel very frustrated because I don't have the need to do those things and I also know that I need to change. But every time something similar happens, it repeats that old habit over and over again, and it is also very fortunate that after so many years of playing that role that pleases others, recently I have completely escaped from that role and lived true to my desires. It's very comfortable because I can say everything I want and most importantly, I can still maintain a good relationship with the person on the other side. Therefore, I want to share with you my ways of thinking and ways of doing things so that you can overcome the feeling of satisfying others but still keep the love and still maintain quality relationships. Specifically, there are four lessons to help me do that.

First Lesson

I realized that pleasing others does not mean that they will love you. Usually we try to please others because we want others to see us as a nice person and want them to love us, but in fact, it is that very act that makes others feel that you are a very permissive person, you do not respect your own value, and it leads to As a result, they also do not respect their own values. The reason is simply because people treat you the way you treat yourself. A story for you to imagine is that I have a friend, she works in a very large corporation and this friend is a very nice person, she always tries to help people and tries to do her best in her work and there are many times her boss assigns work to you It's very urgent and you have to stay up until 2:00 a.m. to get that job done. but you know what, when you submit it to your superior, he waits until a week later and you don't see that superior see your message and even though you know that it will continue to happen, but you don't refuse it the next time, You still try to help that person and it seems that when you do that, at least the people around you will love her, right? But no, it wasn't until one day that she found out the fact that it was that person who spoke ill of her behind her back, suddenly you guys and then it didn't end. Later, when she had a hard time asking for a raise, there was no one to speak up for her, There was no one in that group. Needless to say, you can also imagine how your friend feels attacked and how much you have to change after knowing this, so it is not certain because your pleasing others has helped others love you, but there is one thing that will definitely happen, and that is it will make You inadvertently lose your own value and in fact to yourself so that you can building really quality relationships shouldn't go from the fact that you're trying to please others. You turn yourself into a different person so that others love you, even if it succeeds, you can't maintain it for long. There will come a time when you will feel tired and you will be forced to reject them, that is also the time when they will turn back and with you. So what is the way for you to build really quality relationships, the next mindset will help you do that and this is also the biggest motivation that motivates you to say everything you want.

Second Lesson

That is that frankness will always lead to better results. You notice: Usually when we don't dare to say something, it's because we're afraid that when we say it, others will be offended, it will lead to bad results, and others will no longer love us, but in fact, that's not true. After many times frankly stating my own point of view, the result I received was always better than the beginning, and even my relationship with that person was stronger than before. I will take an example for you to easily imagine. I have a friend in the group and we have been working together for a very long time, By now, it must have been 5 years, there was a bad thing that happened in the past, that is that when I assign her to do it, you will often make small mistakes, It's not a significant mistake but those mistakes will take me time to sit down and correct myself, I'm not comfortable about this at all, but I'm also silent because I think that I and my girlfriend have been friends for a long time anyway, until at some point I can't stand it anymore, I have to I have to say what I have thought. I make it clear to you that I don't like this feeling at all, you have to change otherwise I think we will definitely not be able to work together anymore. then after listening to it, you also have a response to me that you feel very surprised at the time And to be honest with you, I also thought that I would definitely lose a friend and also a teammate who has worked with me for a long time. However, it is very surprising that after only 1 month you have made a significant progress in your work, every time I give you a certain job you will do something that did not exist before, which is that you will repeat all your requirements to see if you have misunderstood any part or not You just started working and after you finish you will take a picture of all the things you have done and send it to yourself to see if you are missing or if you have made any mistakes and it is true that now there are no small mistakes like before and as a result, I am still working with him now together. As you can see, it is obvious that the result is much better than before, if I didn't say it at that time, I would still be uncomfortable and have to correct those small mistakes continuously. So every time I'm afraid to say something, I'll always remind myself that it's not okay, I have to overcome this feeling because when I can express my opinion and the result I get back will always be better than the original. Because when you speak your true thoughts, both parties will understand each other's expectations and both parties will be able to meet each other's expectations better. And in addition, I also noticed a detail like this, that is, everyone will be able to handle a little negative emotion Maybe the moment you directly say what you want, the other person will feel really unhappy, but it's just a temporary emotion and I believe there is no who can fall Just because of that little bit of negative emotion. And in fact, even if there is such a negative emotion, it is also a part that we must go through to come to the step of solving problems together. For example, when I talk about my unpleasant feelings to my teammate, actually at that very moment you feel very shocked, maybe you feel sad or something, but it's only temporary, After that, we both worked together a lot better than before. The key here is how to win straight but still be able to maintain a good relationship with others and to do that, we will need to know that.

Third lesson

Cultivate communication skills. Because frankly, it doesn't mean that you will make others feel uncomfortable. There are two ways that we can be frank without offending each other. Often, when we give suggestions to others, the first way we do it is to acknowledge the good intentions of others first and then express our opinion. For example, recently, my editing team is often late for deadlines and often gets wrong with small mistakes, when I give suggestions, I don't immediately fly in to criticize and say what I want, but I recognize everyone's efforts first. specifically, This is exactly what I said, I said: "All my suggestions are based on the spirit, I know people have made an effort to do this job but maybe because of some problem that people have not done the best they can, so now we need to improve that", Something like that, and then I say what I really want, when you say that, the other person will be much more receptive to your opinion because sometimes people have really good intentions, but because people haven't done what you mean, so don't just say what you want Recognize the opinions and efforts of others first. The second way is that when I win, I will not evaluate the person, but I will only evaluate the problem, for example, when I give suggestions to the editing team, I will not say that you are undisciplined, you are irresponsible, but I only talk about what happened. I said that what everyone should carry is how it will affect the collective and why everyone needs to change. By doing so, you will avoid the situation where you make others feel that you are offending their personality. And if you have tried your best to be frank but it still does not have a good result, then it is time for us to really reconsider our relationship, because not every relationship you need to maintain, right? For me, what relationships you can't win, you are obliged to make yourself another person to maintain that relationship and we should not have such relationships.

Last resort

The last way to help us overcome the feeling of pleasing others is to stop for a beat in front of other people's requests. When you receive a certain request from someone else, please agree immediately and ask yourself these questions to determine whether you want to and whether you need to do it or not. First of all, do I really want to do this? The second is whether we want to endure the negative emotions that come with it? And the most important question is if we refuse now, will something big happen? For example, recently a person called me to lend me a very large amount of money, in return, they will give me an item that is worth the same as that amount, at first I also agreed with you because I thought it was actually not risky at all, but then when I was When I called my father to talk to him again, I felt uncomfortable because if something happened to get that item and get the money back, it would be very difficult. And if I was like myself before at that time, I would have lent money because I had already agreed to it. If you call again now and refuse after agreeing, it will be very strange, right? However, at that time, I did something very different than before, which was to sit down and I wondered in my head the following very important questions. The first is whether I really want to lend or not, the answer is no, if something happens, it will be very difficult to get the money back. The second question is whether I want to suffer so many negative emotions and the answer is also no, because if I lend now, I will have to continue during that time think about that money. One last question that is very important is that if I don't lend now, will something big happen, and the answer is still not always because I don't have the responsibility to do that, after all, if they don't borrow from me, they borrow from other people. then after considering those questions in my head, I immediately called back to say no because I really felt that there was no reason for me to please others and then suffer that negative emotion for a very long time. And actually, when I refused, people were OK, you didn't have anything big to happen, then people just went to borrow from other places, and after many times like that, there was one more thing I realized like this, which is that other people's feelings are their responsibility, not yours. when you reject them, they are really sad, but frankly speaking, it is their business, not yours, it seems a little heartbreaking to say it. The truth is that it is, their task is to deal with their emotions, but you are not obliged to take care of them. Hey, when you say "yes" to others even if you don't want to, you're actually saying "no" to yourself and you don't have any reason to suffer negative emotions that you don't need to suffer, and in fact, for you to completely overcome the feeling of pleasing others, It's not simple at all, Sometimes you will have to receive not very positive reactions from others just because you have been frank. But it's okay, gradually you will get used to it, just remember one thing like this is that you don't do anything wrong, this life is inherently mine, I live my life as long as it doesn't harm anyone, I am not obliged to please anyone. And that's all I want to share.

Thanks for reading, i hoped it can help you.