Are We Making it Worse?

This week a wonderful, insightful friend made a post following the suicide of someone they know. It was heartfelt and open, and the message I received was “Your worries are safe with me”. It felt comforting to know I could reach out if I became swamped by darkness, as I have many times before.

One of the comments on his post however, coming from someone I don’t know, left me feeling angry and concerned for the people around me. My fear is that this comment was actually representative of many people’s opinions on suicide and mental illness.

A summarised section of this comment was [to anxious/depressed people]: “Stop being so disrespectful to others by not replying when they ask if you’re ok. Everyone has problems, get over yourself and at least respond when we message you.”.

Wow.

My first thought was that this person has obviously never felt true alienation, self loathing and worthlessness. She clearly didn’t get that it’s not as simple as pouring your heart out to any person who looks at you twice.

Then I thought about how hearing “Everyone has problems”, and “Your behaviour is hurting others” actually drives a person’s pain even deeper. These statements are right up there with “It could be worse”, “Just think positive” and “Don’t think about it and you’ll be fine”.

It seemed like her comment was actually coming from a position of being focussed on herself - it makes ME anxious if you don’t write back, so therefore you should reply. It’s sad that her response to another person’s pain is an attempt to change their behaviour through shame. It just perpetuates the problem further.

As my initial surge of anger began to disperse, I realised what the real problem is: she doesn’t know any other way to show how she cares for people. Maybe it’s because she’s never received that kind of attention herself.

The truth is that most of us never really learn how to support those who are struggling, unless we go out of our way or it’s forced upon us. So our best bet is to fumble through, not knowing if we’re helping or not. I’ve personally found that giving advice or trying to change someone who is going through a difficult time will often do more harm than good.

Another important thing we need to recognise is that our wanting to change their situation is actually a reflection of OUR OWN discomfort in sitting with low feelings and isolation. When we try to cheer someone up, it might pay to take a moment and think about whether that’s actually what they’re needing.

Otten the best healing comes from being with tough feelings in a safe environment and allowing them to move through, rather than ignoring, suppressing, or distracting from them. Shame and denial are not good soil for growth and recovery.

It’s for this reason that I believe we need to be careful about doing anything but LISTENING TO or BEING WITH the person who appears to be isolating themselves.

Coming from my experience of depressive episodes where I felt so worthless that I didn’t see any point in living on, here are some beautiful ways that people have showed me that they care:

- sending me messages to say “Thinking of you” (and not expecting a response)

- telling me why I’m important to them

- coming over and watching a TV series with me

- listening to me without giving advice

- telling me stories

- being in company without talking, just doing our own thing

- giving me space when I ask for it

- being honest with me about their own fears/shame/desires

- making me a healthy meal

- still invite me to events, but understand that it’s probably too much for me to go

- a loving, meaningful hug

These actions told me that my friends accepted me the way I was, even when I was at my worst. I would find myself crying after they left from the shock of receiving these unconditional acts of love. It showed me that I did matter to someone, and because of them I can sit here now and tell my story from a place of strength and gratitude.

I hope that these words can inspire more of us to halt the cycle of shame and hurt, and instead find acceptance and love for the people who need it most.