What Depression Feels Like

When it gets bad, all I can do is hold on and trust that it will be over. There’s no “looking on the bright side” or “finding things to be grateful for”. When you’ve been held under water for too long and you’re desperate to take a big gasp of air, it’s not helpful for a scuba diver to swim past with a sign that says “Just imagine how good breathing feels.” It’s past that - it’s pure survival.

The strongest feelings that weigh me down during these times are helplessness, extreme lethargy and feeling completely alone.

It’s believing that no one has the time or energy to spend with me. An occasional sympathetic look from a someone only forces me further from being able to relate to people.

It’s the despair watching everyone joyfully participate in life, while I sit straightjacketed in a cold, grey shell weighing down so heavily that I can barely breathe, let alone call for help.

It’s the most painful numbness imaginable.

Since depression first visited me when I was 19, I’ve seen a dozen psychologists who have turned me away because I’m “functioning too well” for them to help. I’ve seen medical doctors, one who told me that if I refused to start taking antidepressants, my only option was to start drinking Red Bull. I’ve seen energy healers. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on supplements with inconsistent results.

I’ve felt like I’ve been “failed by experts” again and again. It’s gotten harder and harder to trust anyone who says they can help me. Eventually I ran out of money, and it seemed that I’d run out of places to turn too. Nobody got it.

So I turned inwards. I educated myself. I learned about other people’s successes in breaking out of their depression. I took courses on holistic health and the mind-body connection. I made it my mission to do it all myself because it seemed like it was my only chance of getting out.

Slowly, over the years, I’ve been able to find enough pieces of my puzzle that I’m no longer debilitated by these episodes. They still do visit, but each time it’s becoming more and more mild, and less of a mystery.

The difference is that I now know myself and I like myself more than ever.

I understand the rhythms I go through and I’m far easier on myself than I used to be. I understand the “depression” that comes over me is actually a signal from my body and mind that I’m out of balance.

Sometimes this imbalance is because I’m out of routine with my sleeping or eating patterns. Sometimes it’s because I’ve been subconsciously stressing about things that I need to deal with or let go of. Often it’s telling me that I’ve been pushing too hard and beating myself up internally without realising.

Even though all those years of suffering were excruciating, and there’s no guarantee that it won’t knock me down again some day, I can now see the silver lining.

Thanks to these experiences of my energy leaving my body like bathwater with the plug pulled, I have a better understanding of what others might be going through. I get that “think positive” and “let me know if you need anything” are often quite useless things to say to someone who is struggling.

I’m no psychologist, but I can relate to and hold space for those who are struggling. I can love them when they’re feeling more unlovable than ever.

I’m not a doctor of neuroscience, but I’ve hated myself so much that I wanted to die, and pulled through by holding onto the thought that surviving it might give me something with which to help others escape their own heavy darkness.

I’m not claiming to be an expert on mental health, but I’ve been some places in that land, and I’m infinitely grateful to be able to share what I’ve learned from a position of strength and self empowerment.

Thanks to my struggles, and the wonderful world of information we live in today, I’m enjoying the best health and happiness of my entire adult life. I never want anyone to have to suffer like that - it’s completely unnecessary.

I just wish someone could have told me way back then.

If you’re struggling with depression, or know someone who is, I’ve found these three things to be the most helpful.

LOVE,

ACCEPTANCE

and TIME.

When a person can’t source them internally, they need to come from someone close by. If there’s no improvement, just increase the dosage.

What we call depression will ALWAYS pass with enough presence of these three things, and there’s always something to be learned if we give it enough space.

So much love <3

- Camille