Anxiety... Autism... or both?

I've been having a lot of meltdowns and shutdowns in this past year.

It's been almost 9 months since I was diagnosed with autism. It was an expensive diagnosis that has honestly been more problematic than helpful (but hopefully that will change soon).

8 months since I was assaulted and lost my unborn babies. I stayed quiet - in spite of the questions - because what if I was wrong with my hunch about who would be capable of that violence? I didn't want to accidentally mislead anyone because I am well aware of the power words hold - so I stayed silent for weeks. I stayed silent because maybe I just had imagined it, right? That is what schizophrenics do... or so I been told time and time again...

5 months since I read in court papers how my autism diagnosis wasn't believed because I didn't just give social workers the entire diagnostic work up to view just because they "like to look at the raw data." The statement was attempted to be retracted when my psychiatrist verified my diagnosis, but the damage was done. I felt like I had been reduced to an exhibit in a zoo. My pain and suffering through hours of testing just be placed on display? For what? Curiosity? And then, when I said no, to be told that the document that the psychologist gave me wasn't good enough to look at my needs? So much damage was done and try as I might, I can't undo it.

And 4 months since I met Mr. Trouble who is now my boyfriend. He keeps breaking every single rule that I know - at least in regards to I should be treated by a boyfriend - and he scares me because what if this is all just a dream and he doesn't actually exist? What happens when he discovers how horrible I am and how hard to love I am?

I mean, I will be fine... I am always getting called the strong one, the resilient one, the one who is so capable of picking of the pieces...

But Mr. Trouble?

Knows who I am and...

• he finished the project of unloading cement blocks because he knew how much pain my back was in and knew that if he went home, I would have just gritted my teeth and pushed through the pain because someone has gotta get it done.
• he forgives me so easily when I mess up on plain communication skills because I am still scared of getting hurt (physically or emotionally) for daring to think that my needs are important.
• he reassures me every time I wonder if we're going to make it as a couple or if he is going to leave too... despite it probably making him feel anxious that I might be planning on breaking up with him if I am thinking about us losing our love.
• he pulls me in closer when I am ugly crying, with tissues in hand, instead of telling me how emotionally unstable I am or how gross snot is.
• he apologizes for his part in any conflict - without being asked to! - and then makes steps (on his own) to avoid it being repeated!

I often tell him that he is doing it wrong... and he laughs a moment before getting serious. "No, love, I am doing the bare minimum." followed by a kiss on my forehead.

I wonder if I am doing enough for him. Especially when I am gritting my teeth in pain while trying to have sex and he tells me to stop because we can do it another time and just cuddling with me is more than enough. He says that I am amazing. I don't quite believe his delusion...

Today's meltdown was hard because I was accused of not having my anxiety in check - and thereby directly causing my children's anxiety.

I fact checked the individual, but the pressure did not release it's hold on me. What if he was right?

No, I had asked the children's professionals this before.

But, what if he was right?

He referenced his professionals: all of whom know about all of my messages and how paranoid and anxious I sound in them.

He referenced the conversation with the daycare provider: she didn't see the little girl yank out the wad of hair, therefore it didn't happen to be done by the little girl and was just a wad of hair from a hairbrush even though the little girl was terrified of being in trouble and still told e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. that she tangled her hair at naptime and yanked it out. The little girl was wrong. The daycare provider's response that we can only hope it is a one time occurrence was ignored. He was right and everyone else was wrong.

So, why was I so ... scared?

It took me all day to pinpoint why. It had to do with anxiety, but not the kind that he wanted to think about. The kind that medication will not help. Dread.

I found this article incredibly useful in unraveling the experience: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autistic-anxiety/

I already knew that I was wasting my time trying to get help for the child's anxiety. I already knew that this was simply another way to showcase me as the "problematic parent." I already knew how the conversation was a carefully outlined tactic to discredit the child's diagnosis and to attempt to silence me.

That is dread. Dread because this individual and I have had multiple conversations that all lead back to, "well I don't see a problem, therefore a problem doesn't exist and the conversation is over and you aren't allowed to help the child because I don't see a problem with anyone other than you." The same exact conversation pattern that I was sent a screenshot of that the daycare provider got to participate in. (Side note: for what it is worth, I am sorry that they had to deal with it too.)

There is no what if there... I no longer hold out hope about what if this time it is different. It is not different. It is abusive.

But, my underlying trigger was the anxiety (sort of) that he was talking about.

What if I lost my chance to ever be protected from him because I couldn't think of one time that he hit me while I was under oath during the OFP hearing? What if it doesn't matter if he "sort of remembers doing something like slapping me," but "we shouldn't use it in custody."? What if nothing ever changes because I have yet to find a professional who can tell me how to get in front of a judge to enforce the court order that is almost entirely worthless at this point in time? What if it doesn't matter if the children got told that I was lazy and that was why I kicked their Dad out? What if I messed everything up by agreeing that he got A home assessment and refocused on prioritizing the child's needs by jointly agreeing to follow the disability waiver at all times - that he refused to give to his home assessor? What if he is right and I caused this for the children because I trusted that he wouldn't hurt them by withholding appropriate and agreed upon care?

What if I can never fix my autistic need to be clear in communication? What if I can never love the autistic traits, that I find so admirable in the children, that allowed him to continue having the access to abuse me because he weaponized it?

The realization came shortly after I asked a worker to leave my home. I asked a specific question trying to understand how the "system" worked and she called it "argumentative." I realized at that point in time that it didn't matter how I asked for help. At least from her.

The tears started as I barely got out, "I wasn't being argumentative." My voice seems to flee when overstimulated, but I seem to have caught it soon enough to cut off her retracing her steps about how she understood how confusing everything was and said to "please leave now" - the words kept falling around me and I said a bit firmer "go away. Please." She acquisitioned that she was leaving per my wishes... more words and then she was finally gone.

It wasn't anxiety. It was dread that whenever I do get to speak to a judge that it will not matter what my experience is, that all he/she will see is an argumentative person (like the worker today), and that my trauma and my experience will be wiped away teaching the children that masking their struggles and minimizing their needs is the only way to be loved in this world.

It is fear that I failed the two little ones who I love so dearly by hoping that those they love (as they should!) could grow up - for the children - and become a fairy tale that I desperately wanted: them to not be abusive.

But, reality strikes in again with the mismatch of my available resources and my needs causing a meltdown. Part anxiety because I don't know that a judge will think that way hence the "what if" - and part autism because I know that that worker should not have responded that way or interpreted my clarification as an "argument" yet that is a common social misconception that I face. Regularly.

The article I referenced above says:

"Overwhelm and dread often indicate a need for specific accommodations, such as support for executive functioning or sensory challenges. Implementing targeted accommodations, like noise-canceling headphones for sensory sensitivities, breaks during social interactions, or setting clear social expectations, can profoundly alleviate anxiety-like responses. If anxiety is the primary concern, the approach typically involves confronting the issue directly.

Furthermore, while traditional anxiety treatments might involve confronting and rationalizing “what if” scenarios and targeted exposure, managing sensory dread often requires changes to the environment or the individual’s exposure to uncomfortable sensory experiences. This approach acknowledges that the distress experienced is not irrational but a rational reaction to overwhelming or distressing sensory input or disruptions to expected patterns of interaction and behavior.

Recognizing and understanding these distinctions is important not only for those who experience Autistic anxiety but also for caregivers, educators, and clinicians. By distinguishing between typical anxiety, overwhelm, and sensory dread, support strategies can be better tailored. This understanding leads to more effective interventions that respect the specific nature of Autistic anxiety and overwhelm."

My environment needs altered. Court orders should be able to be followed and be able to be trusted by me. Professionals should be able to go, "I see the issue (ok, they do that), let me help find you someone who knows what to ask for and help find someone to sit with you while you fill out the paperwork because we know your disability." It's that second part that I am not getting.

I am getting: oh you are strong! You got this! You are smart - you got this! You are resilient - you got this! Keep your chin up - it'll get better one day!

Just call these people who we already know can't help you. Just keep going in circles because we all know it's concerning and problematic ... but it is not in our pay grade to actually help accommodate your social disability.

My distress is not "future focused" as anxiety - it is here, now. It is rational because it cannot be reframed in a way that doesn't remove the fact that this distress would be removed by the knowledge that court orders actually matter, are enforceable, and how to get my communication differences accommodated so that I can gain the knowledge on what form to fill out as well as how to fill it out. One would think that court administration could do that, but I found out that asking for accommodations was able to be used to misdirect me as well as finding out that asking how to get the exhibits to the county attorney was also used to misdirect me.

I have all of this amazing supports. Who use their "professionalism" as a shield to cower behind instead of daring to acknowledge that I may need extra support in finding the right words. I just want to know... why?

Why do I have to be the strong one? Why do I have to be the resilient one? Why do I have to continue enduring repeated abuse (see https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence) and expected to not have fear for my safety?

Why can't a professional, who gets paid to be a support person, treat me with even a pinch of Mr. Trouble's bare minimum?

I see you, I hear you, and I am here to help you because you are not unworthy of common human decency and respect just because you are unique.

Why can't I love my autistic traits? Because my strength is STILL being used to hurt me. Because my empathy is STILL being weaponized as a problem. Because my need for routine and stability is STILL being mislabeled as argumentative and controlling. Because ... I refuse to believe the very lie society tells us that my daughter shared so clear for a preschooler: love hurts. Love should not hurt. Love should ease pain and suffering. Not bring anger, so much anger, to the surface that who I am (not mental health wise, but developmentally!) is causing me this much pain. Love is care. Love is compassion. Love is kind. How can I love the very thing that is being used to crush my will to keep going, crush my hopes for a better future, and crush me with a smile that says, you are resilient and strong - your lack of accommodations is something that you will get through alone because you are strong, you are resilient?

Radically accept that professionals are just people? Radically accept that people suck? Radically accept that the people who are dedicated to misunderstanding me and mislabeling me don't deserve my time or energy because they are showing themselves to be "unsafe people" despite the title they carry? Those sound arrogant to me... those sound like the very concepts that I was told was me being paranoid... but, maybe - just maybe, it isn't paranoia to believe actions over words or arrogance to accept that some people, in any profession, are not capable of understanding or accepting me due to their own issues?

I don't have an answer tonight. But, I do know that my "anxiety" only relates to a few what ifs and for the most part, is simply dread of my environment consistently not meeting my needs (not just autistic since it seems to be fairly basic human need to see court orders upheld by the way!) and dread of continuing to be misunderstood instead of helped. Dread that this is my life and dread that I will live in this reality day after day, week after week, month after month, because I am "strong and resilient."

That isn't anxiety, depression, or paranoia.

It is simply the cold hard facts regarding the reality that I continue living in as I try to figure out the "correct words" to be accommodated and understood, the "trusting professionals" while acknowledging that they don't always do what they are supposed to or keep their word, et ceteria and et ceteria.

I'm sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable I guess? Perhaps imagine how it would feel for me who is trapped in my own body and unable to walk away from this problem? But, if you can't do that - no worries. That is a deficit that you possess, not a problem for me to solve. And yes, I wrote that for the scared little girl inside of myself who is terrified that by being so "mean" that her needs will continue not getting met... but the truth is, was my "niceness" allowing these needs to be accommodated - or just easier for others to ignore?